Anya: You know, you can laugh, but I have witnessed a millenium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them.
Xander: Then why you talking to me?
Anya: I don't have a date for the prom.
Xander: Well gosh. I wonder why not. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with your sales pitch?
Anya: Men are evil. Will you go with me?
Xander: One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which.
Graduation Day, Part 1
Anya: So, I was wondering, maybe if you were free this weekend, maybe we could do some entertaining thing.
Xander: Would that be along the lines of you telling me about all the men you destroyed back in your demon days? Cause pencil me in.
Anya: Well, we could do something else you like. We could watch sports of some kind.
Xander: Uh, I don't know.
Anya: Men like sports. I'm sure of it.
Xander: Yes. Men like sports. Men watch the action move, they eat of the beef, and enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs and that's all you've learned?
Xander: What are you doing here? I thought you'd be in Aruba by now.
Anya: Hey, I'm packed. My car's right outside. I-I just, um, I-I had to, uh...
Anya: You could come with me.
Xander: Come with you? You mean that?
Anya: Why not? We could just get in the car and drive. No one would miss us. We could take turns driving. Keep each other awake. You're going to die if you stay here.
Xander: I guess I might.
Anya: When I think that something could happen to you, it feels bad inside, like I might vomit.
Xander: Welcome to the world of romance.
Anya: It's horrible. No wonder I used to get so much work.
Xander: Well, I'm sorry I give you barfy feelings.
Anya: Come with me.
Xander: I can't.
Anya: Why not?
Xander: I got friends on the line.
Xander: That humanity thing's still a work in progress, isn't it?
Anya: Are you really going to be that much help to them? I mean, you'll probably just get in the way.
Xander: Your stock is plummeting here, sweetheart.
Anya: Fine! You know what? I hope you die. Aren't we gonna kiss?
The Harsh Light of Day
Anya: Where is our relationship going?
Xander: Our what? Our who?
Anya: Relationship. What kind do we have. And what is it progressing toward?
Xander: I... Uh... We have a relationship?
Anya: Yeah. We went to the prom.
Xander: Yeah, On our one and only date. Second date called on account of snake, remember? And the whole, you used to be a man killing demon thing. Which to be fair, is as much my issue as it is yours.
Anya: I can't stop thinking about you. Sometimes in my dreams, you're all naked.
Xander: Really. You know if I'm in the checkout line at the Wal-Mart I've had the same one.
Anya: So I can assume a standing Friday night date and a mutual recognition as Prom night as our dating anniversary.
Xander: Anya. Slow down there. In fact, come to a screeching halt. See these things kind of have to develop on their own.
Anya: Okay. How?
Xander: I don't know. It just - happens.
Anya: At point the matter is brought to a conclusion with both parties satisfied and able to move on with their separate lives and interests. To sum up, I think it's a workable plan.
Xander: So, the crux of this plan is -
Anya: Sexual intercourse. I've said it like a dozen times.
Xander: Uh, huh. Just working through a little hysterical deafness here.
Anya: I think it's the secret to getting you out of my mind. Putting you behind me. Behind me figuratively. I'm thinking face to face for the actual event itself.
Xander: Ah, right. It's just we hardly know each other. I mean I like you. And you have a certain directness that I admire. But sexual interc- What you're talking about, well - and I'm actually turning into a woman as I say this - but it's about expressing something. And accepting consequences.
Anya: Oh, I have condoms. Some are black.
Xander: That's... that's very considerate.
Anya: I like you. You're funny, and you're nicely shaped. And frankly, it's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not... interlock. Please remove your clothing now.
Xander: And the amazing thing... still more romantic than Faith.
Anya: You haven't called. Not once.
Xander: You said you were over me.
Anya: And you just accepted that? I only said that because I thought that's what you wanted to hear.
Xander: That's the funny thing about me, I tend to hear the actual words people say and accept them at face value.
Anya: That's stupid.
Xander: I accept that. I can't say seeing you falls into the realm of a bad thing.
Anya: Really? I thought... maybe we could go out tonight, for our anniversary.
Anya: It's been exactly one week since we copulated. Did you forget?
Xander: Oh, no, of course not. It's just I already have plans with Buffy, Willow and Oz. It's Halloween, you know.
Anya: I don't understand.
Xander: Well, every October 31st, we mortals dress up in masks...
Anya: No, no, I understand that inane ritual. It's those people. You continue to associate with them though you share little in common.
Xander: What are you talking about?
Anya: I mean they go to college, you don't. They no longer live at home... you do.
Xander: Oh, hey, those things... The bonds of true friendship transcends... Could we just change the subject?
Anya: Okay, okay. Don't get upset with me. I just wondered.
Xander: If you want you can come with me tonight to this party.
Anya: You mean like a date? Is that what this is? Are we dating?
Xander: There are definitely date-like qualities at work here. Oh, you'll need a costume.
Anya: A costume?
Xander: Dress up, you know, something... scary.
Anya: Scary. Scary how?
Xander: Anya, you ex-demon, terrorized mankind for centuries. I'm sure you'll come up with something.
Xander: That's your scary costume?
Anya: Bunnies frighten me.
Anya: Xander, what are you doing? You're supposed to be digging. I went to watch you digging, and you weren't there doing it.
Xander: I'm going now. Just... Kinda tough getting going today.
Anya: Your head is moist. Oh! You're sick. Well, you can't go to work.
Xander: Uh. Oh. Anya?
Anya: You're pasty and wet and disgusting. They can dig without you.
Xander: Look - I don't really feel that bad.
Anya: I inflicted a lot of putrefying diseases on men when I was an avenging demon, and you look like you're getting all of them.
Xander: Okay. I'll stay. But you should go. You could catch it.
Anya: We'll die together. It's romantic. Let me get your trousers off.
Xander: You're a strange girlfriend.
Anya: I'm a girlfriend?
Xander: Uh... There's a chance I'm delirious.
Anya: Ah, yes. Well, whatever it is that's making you sick, so far, I like it.
Xander: Can we come rocketing back to the part about me and my new syphilis?
Anya: It'll make you blind and insane, but it won't kill you. The smallpox will.
Xander: That's okay, mom ? we don't need anymore snacks.
Anya: I liked those fruit roll-ups.
Xander: Shush, I thought she'd never clear out. Besides, just think of my lips as, the fruit roll-ups of love. Okay, that was gross. I'm a little distracted. Willow was really upset. I shouldn't have let her go away mad. Regaining focus.
Anya: We just got rid of your mom. Let's not bring Willow into this. It's time for just the two of us.
Xander: I don't get where this is coming from.
Anya: Well, what am I supposed to think?
Xander: How could you say I'm using you?
Anya: You don't care about what I think... you don't ask about my day...
Xander: You really did turn into a real girl didn't you?
Anya: See! You make jokes during my pain. You don't care about me at all.
Xander: I care about you.
Anya: How much?
Anya: What do I mean to you?
Xander: I... we, you know we spend... we'll talk about it later.
Anya: Well, I think we should talk about it now.
Giles: Thank you for knocking.
Xander: If you don't know how I feel about-
Anya: I don't. This isn't a relationship. You don't need me... all you care about is lots of orgasms.
Xander: Okay... remember how we talked about private conversations and how they're less private when they're in front of my friends?
Spike: Oh, we're not your friends. Go on.
Giles: Please don't.
The I in Team
Anya: Xander. You haven't been paying any attention to me, tonight. Just peddling those processed food bars. I don't know why.
Xander: Well, let me put it in a way you'll understand. Sell bars. Make money. Take Anya nice places. Buy pretty things.
Anya: That does make sense. All right, I support you. Go sell more.
Xander: W-- try one! Check these flavors. Cherry-berry. Maple walnut. Ooo, almond licorice.
Xander: Anya, we don't say 'ew' in front of potential customers.
Anya: Just skip this part and tell him you want money to buy me pretty things. He'll understand.
Anya: You really should get yourself a boring boyfriend. Like Xander. You can't have Xander!
Buffy: That was the idea. Riley was supposed to be Mr. Joe Guy. We were going to do dumb things like hold hands through the daises going tra-la-la.
Willow: Poor Buffy. Your life resists all things average.
Anya: So dump him. But you can't have Xander!
Buffy: I'll try and remember that.
Buffy: Giles, Anya keep researching. Xander, you and I are going undercover.
Anya: Hey! Remember before. No Xander! Not in a boyfriend way or a lead him to a certain death way.
Buffy: He's the only one with military experience.
Anya: It's not like he was in the 'Nam. He was GI Joe for one night.
Xander: It's okay Anya. I've backed up Buffy before.
Anya: Can't you do something else to help them? Like... Xerox handouts or something?
Xander: I'll be careful. Promise.
Who Are You
Xander: We kind of have a romantic evening planned.
Anya: We were gonna light a bunch of candles and have sex near them.
Faith!Buffy: Well, we certainly don't want to cut into that seven minutes.
Xander: I believe that's my hey. Hey!
Xander: Last night with me you said Jonathan.
Anya: It was a moan!
Xander: Fine! You moaned Jonathan!
Anya: Not unh! It was like unnh-unnh-atha.
Xander: Maybe it was ahh-onathan. Still not fluffing up the old ego.
Where the Wild Things Are
Xander: Aw, come on. Big party at Riley's house. It's gonna be fun. Why don't you wanna go?
Anya: You know why not. Those initiative men make me... not comfortable. And you don't care.
Xander: They don't even know that you're an ex-demon. And we don't know that they'd care even if they did know. Which, by the way, they're not gonna find out. Anyways, they'll probably be too busy flirting with every other girl at the party to even notice you.
Anya: So ... you don't think I'm desirable enough to be flirted with? Is that it?
Xander: I'm just not gonna win here, am I?
Anya: You don't find me attractive any more.
Xander: What are you talking about? I think you're gorgeous.
Anya: Oh, really? Well then, why didn't we have sex last night?
Xander: Is that what this is about? We've gone other nights without sex.
Anya: I know. Twice! I can't believe we're breaking up.
Xander: Breaking- We're not! Are we?
Anya: Of course we are. You, you've obviously grown tired of me. I mean, I've seen it happen to thousands of women over the centuries, I just never thought it would happen to me.
Xander: Anya, there's a lot more to you and me than the sex. Well, there should be! I mean, a relationship is something that you work at. Work through. Together.
Anya: I don't understand. I'm pretty, I'm young... I mean... Why didn't you take advantage of me? Is something wrong with your body?
Xander: There's nothing wrong with my body.
Anya: Well, there must be. I saw that wrinkled man on TV talking about erectile dysfunction-
Xander: Whoa! Hey. All systems go here. No function problem, okay? You want sex? Let's have sex. Right here. Hot, sweaty, big sex.
Xander: Anya. What are you doing with him?
Anya: We didn't have sex, if that's what you mean. That's all I do now, not have sex.
Xander: You're overreacting. We had a fight. But see, it's okay. It's normal.
Anya: Yes. The normal part of the ending a relationship right before the vengeance begins.
Xander: Right. No! Vengeance?
Anya: Relax, I'm not gonna do it. I'm just trying to tell you that we have nothing in common besides both of us liking your penis. And now I don't even have that! So I get to say when it's done. And it's done.
Xander: Okay, you know what? You don't deserve to be the one to walk away from this. I've put up with a hell of a lot from you... much of that in the last minute... and if anyone gets to be the one to leave, it's me.
Anya: You're leaving me?
Xander: Yes. I am.
Anya: Where are you going?
Xander: To enjoy the party.
Anya: Well then, then I'm staying too, to, to show you how much I'm not bothered by you having fun! Because I'll be having more fun!
Xander: I'm having fun already!
Anya: Me too! Woo hoo!
Xander: What do you feel?
Anya: Sad, afraid of being without you, and a little hungry.
Xander: I meant about the house.
Anya: Oh. Still haunted.
Anya: True. Feel shame.
Xander: My girlfriend. Mistress of the learning plateau.
The Yoko Factor
Xander: "All I can--" Can you believe this!? Like I'm some sort of useless lunk. It happens I'm good at a lot of things. I help out with all kinds of... stuff. I have skills... and... stratagems. I'm very... Help me out.
Anya: He's Viking in the sack.
Spike: Terrific. You didn't have these cleaned after the last time, did you?
Xander: This is so like them, lately. It's all about them and the college life. Well, you know what college is? It's high school only without the actual going to class. Well... high school was kinda like that too. But the point is, I'm out there working hard to make a living. It's nothing but a huge joke to them. Xander got fired from Starbucks. Xander got fired from that phone-sex line.
Anya: They look down on you.
Xander: And they hate you.
Anya: But they don't look down on me.
Anya: Xander? You said you wanted to check the board at the unemployment office this morning. You can't go like that. They won't even interview you if you're naked.
Xander: I'm not going. There's never anything good. Maybe I should join the Army.
Anya: Don't they make you get up really early in the morning?
Xander: Oh, yeah. Never mind.
Anya: Are you still upset about that fight you had with your friends? It was hours ago! Get over it.
Xander: Anya, you - Forget it.
Anya: So, they all think you're lost, directionless loser with no plans for his future? Pfft.
Xander: Anya, you can't "pfft" that stuff away.
Anya: Why not?
Xander: I don't know. 'Cause I think maybe they're right.
Anya: So what if they are? You're a good person, and a good boyfriend, and... and I'm in love with you. Whatever they think of you, it shouldn't matter.
Xander: Yeah. Yeah, it doesn't matter.
Anya: Do you know where you're going? I've been thinking about getting back into vengeance.
Xander: Is that right?
Anya: Well, you know how I miss it. I'm so at loose ends since I quit. I think this is going to be a very big year for vengeance.
Xander: But... isn't vengeance kind of... vengeful?
Anya: You don't want me to have a hobby.
Xander: Not a vengeance hobby, no! It's dangerous. People can't do anything they want. Society has rules, and borders, and an end zone. It doesn't matter if- Do you mind? I'm talking to my demon.
Anya: Oh, go on.
Xander: I don't have to.
Anya: I'll be fine. I think I've figured out how to steer by gesturing emphatically.
Buffy vs. Dracula
Anya: I doubt he'd remember me. I was just a silly young thing. I mean, like seven hundred or so. But he did say that this guy I cursed was doomed forever, which was really sweet, don't you think?
Anya: It was a great spell. I made this jerk incredibly fat, like a human minivan. You should just mention my name if you see him again.
Xander: Or better yet, why don't you just go sit on top of a crypt and flaunt your neck cleavage until Dracula shows up? Then you two can talk private.
Anya: Oh please, don't tell me you're jealous.
Xander: Oh no, just because you're panting over the guy.
Anya: I am not panting. Now stop being silly. I'll see you tomorrow.
Xander: You don't wanna come back to my place?
Anya: It's whites day, remember? The bleach smell makes me nauseous.
Xander: Fine. I suppose Dracula doesn't use bleach, huh? He's a darks-only man.
Anya: Oh, crap. Look at this! Now I'm burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children, more cash than I can reasonably manage...
Xander: That means you're winning.
Xander: Yes. Cash equals good.
Anya: Ooh! I'm so pleased. Can I trade in the children for more cash?
Xander: I told you, my construction job is ending, and I won't have any more money coming in. And by the way, you do have your own place.
Anya: So when I wanna visit you, I have to be in that awful basement?
Xander: Not forever. Just until things come together.
Anya: Which is when, Xander? 'Cause right now, things are looking pretty untogether, and you can't expect me just to wait around for-
Xander: Quiet, please. Anya, what is this? What's going on with you?
Anya: What's going on with me is my arm hurts... and I'm tired... and I don't really feel like taking a tour of beautiful things I can't have.
Anya: So... what happens next?
SuaveXander: Well, at some point we take off our clothes.
Anya: I mean what happens next in our lives? When do we get a car?
SuaveXander: A car?
Anya: And a boat. No, wait, I - I don't mean a boat. I mean a puppy. Or a child. I have a list somewhere.
SuaveXander: What are you talking about?
Anya: Just... we have to get going. I don't have time just to let these things happen.
SuaveXander: There's no hurry.
Anya: Yes there is. There's a hurry, Xander. I'm dying. I may have as few as fifty years left.
SuaveXander: Fifty years? What is thi- Oh, wait a minute. This is about this.
Anya: What about the sling?
SuaveXander: You haven't been hurt like this since you became human. Maybe it's finally hitting you what being human means.
Anya: No, that's not it.
SuaveXander: Yes, I think it is. You were gonna live for thousands of years. And now you're gonna age and die. That must be terrifying.
Anya: You don't understand what it's like.
SuaveXander: Being suddenly human? I think I can get what that would be like. And we can get through it together.
Anya: You can't make it any different. I'm going to get old. And... you can't promise you'll be with me when I'm... wrinkly and my teeth are artificial and stuck into my wrinkly mouth with an adhesive.
SuaveXander: No, I can't promise that. But it doesn't sound terrible. And that's saying something. I promise you, Anya. Very soon you won't be thinking about getting older.
Anya: Well, maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home, and... we can all have sex together, and... you know, just slap 'em back together in the morning.
SuaveXander: She's joking.
ScruffyXander: No she's not! She entirely wants to have sex with us together. Which is... wrong, and, and it would be very confusing.
No Place Like Home
Xander: Anya, the Shopkeeper's Union of America called. They wanted me to tell you that "please go" just got replaced with "have a nice day."
Anya: But I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have?
Xander: No one. It's just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace it.
Into the Woods
Anya: I'm sorry, Willow. Thank you for making time in your busy life to come in here and get in the way of mine.
Xander: Anya, play nice.
Anya: You know, fine, take her side instead of mine even though I'm the one who sleeps with you and feeds you, bathes you...
Willow: She bathes you?
Xander: Only in an erotic, Penthouse-y way, not in a sponge-bath-y geriatric sort of...
Giles: Please! Stop, I beg of you.
Anya: A little after-hours hanky-panky in the training room, huh? Boy, Xander and I could tell you some stories...
Xander: Not now. Let's go, Anya.
Anya: There's a funny thing with the vaulting horse that you can tr...
Anya: What? He started it.
Xander: In your world, maybe, but where the people are, this isn't the time for "Tales of Anya and Xander's Sexcapades."
Anya: Oh. Uh, well, maybe we can go home and, you know, have 'em.
Xander: I've gotta say something... 'Cause ... I don't think I've made it clear. I'm in love with you. Powerfully, painfully in love. The things you do... the way you think... the way you move... I get excited every time I'm about to see you. You make me feel like I've never felt before in my life. Like a man. I just thought you might wanna know.
Xander: You ever have that feeling where there's something you know you're supposed to do and you forgot what it was?
Xander: I've been having that feeling, I just realized what it was. Like three weeks ago Riley asked me to borrow a crescent wrench. I keep having this feeling like I'm supposed to give it to him.
Anya: Well, that's not going to happen unless he comes back. You know, not to get the crescent wrench. Just to come back.
Xander: I just mean, sometimes I sort of forget that he's gone. It's like, "where's Riley? Oh wait, the central republic of Where-in-the-hell."
Anya: Xander? If you ever decide to go, I want a warning. You know, big flashing red lights, and-and-and one of those clocks that counts down like a bomb in a movie? And there's a whole bunch of, of colored wires, and I'm not sure which is the right one to cut, but I guess the green one, and then at the last second "No! The red one!" and then click, it stops with three-tenths of a second left, but then you don't leave. Like that, okay?
Xander: Check. Big bomb clock. Come here.
Xander: You really dated him?
Xander: But you like me better, right?
Anya: Yes! Oh, and Willow likes you too, but not in a sexy way, you know, 'cause she's gay. And she's not gonna try to break us up, so, you know, it's all okay.
I Was Made to Love You
Anya: Oh, that girl. Tara and I met her. She speaks with a strange evenness and selects her words a shade too precisely.
Xander: Well, some of us like that kind of thing in a girl.
Xander: Whoever he is, he knows his stuff. That girl, well... that was a nice-lookin' girl.
Anya: It's okay for him to say that, 'cause I know that he really loves me only.
Anya: That was different.
Xander: Yeah. It was more... intense.
Anya: It's because of Joyce.
Xander: Right. Huh?
Anya: Well, she got me thinking... about... how people die all the time, and... how they get born too, and how you kind of need one so you can have the other. When I think about it that way, it... makes death a little less sad, and... sex a little more exciting.
Xander: Again I say, huh?
Anya: Well, I just think I understand sex more now. It's not just about two bodies smooshing together. It's about life. It's about making life.
Xander: Right, when... two people are much older, and... way richer, and far less stupid.
Anya: Breathe. You're turning colors. I'm not ready to make life with you, but I could. We could. Life could come out of our love and our smooshing, and that's beautiful. It all makes me feel like I'm part of something bigger. Like I'm more awake somehow. You know?
Xander: Yeah, I do.
Xander: Honey. Old saying. "A watched customer never buys."
Anya: They would if they were patriotic.
Xander: Okay, I'm goin' in. Patriotic?
Anya: Yes. I've recently come to realize there's more to me than just being human. I'm also an American.
Xander: So, are you more, uh... relaxed?
Xander: No? I mean, it sounded like you, uh... arrived.
Anya: No. Yes. Um, I had the pleasure moment, and the blissful calm that comes right after it. But that only lasted a couple of seconds, and now I'm terrified again.
Xander: Well, you don't have to be.
Xander: Other pervert.
Anya: And don't frighten me like tha-aah! God, who, who would put something like that there? Is this supposed to be some sort of sick joke? I mean, things aren't bad enough! This is an omen.
Xander: Hey, hey, shh.
Anya: No, no, it's an omen. It's a higher power, trying to tell me through bunnies that we're all gonna die. Oh god.
Xander: No it's not. It's okay.
Anya: No, you see, usually when there's an apocalypse, I skedaddle. But now I love you so much that instead I have inappropriately timed sex and try to think of ways to fight a god... and worry terribly that something might happen to you. And also worry that something'll happen to me. And then I have guilt that I'm not more worried about everyone else, but I just don't have enough! I'm just on total overload, and I honestly don't think that I could be more nervous than I am right now.
Xander: Care to wager on that? Anya... you wanna marry me? ...Can I take that as a "maybe"?
Anya: You're proposing to me!
Anya: You're proposing to me 'cause we're gonna die! And you think it's romantic and sexy and, and you know you're not gonna have to go through with it 'cause the world's gonna end!
Xander: I'm proposing to you, Anya, because it's not.
Anya: You can't know that.
Xander: I believe it. I think we're gonna get through this. I think I'm gonna live a long... and silly life, and I'm not interested in doing that without you around.
Anya: Oh. Okay.
Anya: Yes. I mean, yes. No.
Anya: After. Give it to me when the world doesn't end.
Xander: What are you doing? What kind of gratitude is that?
Anya: I know, I know. It's just... he keeps saying he's going, and then he doesn't. And I keep almost being in charge, but then I'm not. And maybe he shouldn't be going at all, but we can't talk about that. And it all just leaves me with this stress and bossiness stored up, and it just... leaks out.
Xander: Just give it time, Ahn. This is hard for all of us. Just... be patient.
Anya: I was being patient, but it took too long. I mean, I-I miss Buffy. I do. But life shouldn't just stop because she's gone. I'm sick of waiting to take over here, and I'm sick of waiting to tell everyone about us.
Xander: We've talked about this. We can't announce our engagement while things are so up in the air.
Anya: Why not? It's happy news. Happy news in hard times is a good thing.
Xander: It is, but... if things go as planned, everything could be different. Let's just hold on.
Anya: You've been saying that all summer.
Xander: Please, Anya. We'll know more after we talk to Willow and Tara tonight.
Anya: Fine, whatever. Just remember that this whole marriage thing was your stupid idea. I didn't ask to be all crazy.
Anya: I'm not saying we announce it this second.
Anya: Well, I think it would please them to know we're engaged. And I think Willow in particular could use a real morale-booster right now.
Xander: Can we talk about this later?
Anya: Well, but it's just all the excuses for not telling everyone we're engaged are gone now. I mean, aside from hell bikers, there's nothing standing in our way. This is it. No more surprises.
Xander: What's wrong with you?
Anya: Why don't you ask your best friend Spiderman? You know, if you're not going to support me-
Xander: I'm supportive! I'm totally supportive! I'm a flying buttress of support!
Anya: No you're not.
Xander: This is because I haven't told them yet about the engagement, isn't it?
Anya: No. Maybe. Yes! It's painful and confusing! I mean, first you, you give me this beautiful ring... and then I can't even wear it in public. I mean, do you know how depressing that is?
Xander: Anya, I promise, your waiting days are almost over. I, I know it's frustrating ... but the way I understand this marriage thing, it's kind of a forever deal.
Anya: Not if you never get started. I mean, don't you want to get married?
Anya: So then why won't you tell them?
Xander: Because... I'm still getting used to the miracle of a steady paycheck. And getting out of my parents' house. And this... this husband thing... it's a big step. Or... a lot of little ones. And... and I love you so much... I just want... every step to be just right.
Anya: Really? ...Hey! You tricked me! Just now, w-with your fancy talk and, and lips! You keep doing this, and I keep forgetting, and you keep stalling!
Anya: Don't be such a wiener dog. Look at them. Researching demons for the billionth time. They could use a... peppy boost of happy news.
Xander: You're right. I'll tell them. As soon as Buffy and Willow come in.
Xander: Would you stop?
Anya: Dare you.
Xander: Anya. If I tell them we're engaged right after you dared me to... wouldn't you always wonder if that's the only reason I did it?
Xander: Score one for Captain Logic.
Anya: No, no. Captain Logic is not steering this tugboat. I smell Captain Fear at the wheel! God, I hate this. This tone in my voice? I dislike it more than you do, and I'm closer to it!
All the Way
Xander: Hey, everybody. (stands up) Can I, um... uh... there's something Anya and I... wanna tell you.
Xander: Now. We're getting married.
Dawn: Oh my god.
Willow: That... that's... wow.
Xander: It's a big wow.
Anya: I... I thought you were waiting for the right moment.
Xander: I did.
Once More, with Feeling
Xander: You want some breakfast, baby?
Anya: You don't have to go to work?
Xander: Nah, I shut the crew down for the day. My guys start dancing around me, I don't know if I can deal. It's a flab thing. So, waffles?
Anya: Will you still make me waffles when we're married?
Xander: No, I'll only make them for myself, but by California law, you will own half of them.
Xander: It's a nightmare.
Anya: It has to be stopped.
Xander: It's a plague. It's like a nightmare about a plague.
Anya: It was like we were being watched.
Xander: It's like, I didn't wanna be saying things-
Anya: Like there was a wall missing-
Xander: -but they just kept pouring out.
Anya: -in our apartment.
Xander: And they rhymed and they were mean and-
Anya: Like there were only three walls and not a fourth wall and-
Xander: My eyes are not beady!
Anya: My toes are not hairy!
Anya: I know I do! I can't decide whether to put my bridesmaids in cocktail dresses... or the traditional burlap with blood larva.
Xander: The traditional what?
Anya: Well, I was a demon for a thousand years, you don't expect me to turn my back on all the ways of my people.
Buffy: Uh, can I weigh in on this whole me wearing larva-
Anya & Xander: No.
Anya: At least I'm not asking you to perform the groom's rite of self-flagellation.
As You Were
Anya: See... this seating chart makes no sense. We have to do it again. We can't do it again. You do it.
Xander: The seating chart's fine. Let's get back to the table arrangements. I'm starting to have dreams of gardenia bouquets. I am so glad my manly coworkers didn't just hear me say that.
Anya: Will you stop wolfing down those chips? One more bag and you'll pop right out of your cummerbund. You're not even hungry, you're just nervous.
Xander: Yeah! Wedding, one week! We have friends, family, demons flying in, a to-do list getting no shorter, and do not take my chips.
Anya: I think we died in this car on the way to the airport, and now we're stuck in hell.
Xander: The radio said no traffic.
Anya: It's a hell radio, of course it said that. We'll never get to the airport in time to pick up your stupid uncle.
Xander: It just gives my uncle Rory more time at the bar. Trust me, he'll be happy.
Anya: Great. So he can sleep off his drunken stupor on our newly re-upholstered couch.
Xander: He can't afford a hotel.
Anya: Why are you defending him?
Xander: I'm not. I hate my uncle. I hate my whole family. That's why I'm marrying you, to start a new family. Have children, make them hate us, then one day they'll get married, we'll sleep on their couch. It's the circle of life.
Xander: Why did we ever agree to have your friends, who are demons, and my family, who are monsters, stay at our place?
Anya: Well, I can only do so much, Xander. Planning this marriage is like staging the invasion of Normandy.
Xander: Without the laughs. We should have eloped.
Anya: No! I've been through too much planning this wedding, and it is going to happen. It is going to be our perfect, perfect day if I have to kill every one of our guests and half this town to do it.
Anya: You know, if you love Riley Finn so much, maybe you should just marry him.
Xander: He's taken. And that's not the point.
Anya: So you think that their marriage is better than ours, is that it?
Xander: No! But granted, I have a hard time imagining Nick and Nora Fury hiding out from their own relatives in the bathroom. And I have no idea what Riley and Mrs. Riley's wedding was like.
Anya: Well, you haven't shut up about them.
Xander: Well, they have a great marriage! And it bummed Buffy out, but I can see it. And Anya... I really have no clue what their wedding was like.
Anya: So our wedding... is not our marriage.
Xander: Separate things. One fills me with a dread akin to public speaking engagements.
Anya: And that would be the wedding.
Xander: Which will be over soon.
Anya: But our marriage...
Xander: That lasts forever.
Anya: For the last time. "I, Anya, want to marry you, Xander, because... I love you and I'll always love you. And... before I knew you, I was like a completely different person. Not even a person, really... and I had seen what love could do to people, and it was... hurt and sadness. Alone was better. And then, suddenly there was you, and... you knew me. You saw me, and it was this... thing. You make me feel safe and warm. So, I get it now. I finally get love, Xander. I really do."
Anya: So... we're ready now. Let's get married.
Xander: I... I'm not. I'm not ready. I can't, Ahn, I'm sorry.
Anya: But it wa - it wasn't real. What he showed you, it wasn't real.
Xander: I know it wasn't real. But it could be.
Anya: What was it? Was it about me? 'Cause he wanted you to hate me, Xander.
Xander: It wasn't you. It wasn't you I was hating. I had these thoughts, and... fears before this. Maybe we just went too fast.
Anya: Look, everybody has thoughts. It's natural, it doesn't mean that, that getting married is wrong.
Xander: I know, I know...
Anya: Look, you're just shaken up, okay? You just calm down and we'll start over, okay?
Xander: We can't start over. If this is a mistake, it's forever, and... I don't want to hurt you. Not that way. I'm sorry. I am so sorry.
Xander: know there's nothing that I can say or do to make up for what I did. I can't. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I'm like, "oh god, is this my life? Was that me?"
Anya: Me too.
Xander: But you gotta believe me, please. I want to make up for it. I want to take away the hurt. I love you so much. I, I may have practiced that a couple times in front of the mirror.
Anya: I just... don't understand what happened.
Xander: I do. I'm an idiot. All I had to do was say something earlier. I could have spared you from that... that nightmare.
Anya: Said something about what?
Xander: No, no! I mean, you know, if I were, like, more... self-aware. Because, with the whole idiot thing.
Anya: If you had been more self-aware, you would have what? Been able to stop the wedding?
Xander: No no, it's not like that, that's not what... Okay, see, I didn't practice this part.
Anya: Do you still want to get married? Oh.
Xander: Ahn, it's a very complicated question.
Anya: No, actually, it's really not. It's kind of an either-or deal. Do you want to get married?
Xander: Someday, yes, very much. When we're ready. I don't want you to take this as a bad thing. It's good. I love you, I love you so much, I'm just trying to be honest with you.
Anya: Yes, honesty now. Congratulations, Xander, on being honest now. I wonder what the medal will say.
Xander: Okay, clearly I'm not handling this well.
Anya: Well, duh!
Xander: All I want is for us to be together. I love you, I... I wish we could just go back to the way things were before.
Anya: And I wish you were never born!
Two to Go
Anya: I care if you live or die, Xander. I'm just not sure which one I want.
Xander: Again with the comfort. Look, we both know things might get ugly at, uh, Wiccapalooza. And if it gets really bad...
Anya: Let me guess. You'll propose?
Xander: I need to know if you're gonna turn on me. Use this little shindig as an excuse for some sweet revenge.
Anya: There is nothing in this world that could give me greater or more lasting satisfaction than to reap bloody vengeance upon you, Xander Harris. But I can't. Not officially, not magically. So smile, it's your lucky day. You got away with it, I can't hurt you.
Xander: Right, 'cause you varnishing the table with Spike, how could that possibly have hurt? It may have chafed...
Anya: That wasn't vengeance. It was solace.
Xander: Reverse the spell.
Anya: It's not that easy, Xander.
Xander: You can do it.
Anya: Yeah, sure, the spell part. What about me? I'm in enough trouble as it is. Halfrek's all over my case. D'Hoffryn is not pleased with my work. You don't want to see him angry. Trust me.
Xander: Nice friends you got.
Anya: Nice friends I had. Chums, co-workers, bridesmaids. Oh, I had the whole package until something fell apart. What could that be, Xander?
Xander: Are you saying this is my fault?
Anya: All I'm saying is that none of this happened until you dumped me at the altar.
Xander: And sooner or later, Anya, that excuse just stops working.
Xander: Whatever's between us—it doesn't matter. You shouldn't be alone in this.
Anya: Yes, I should. My whole life, I've just clung to whatever came along.
Xander: Well, speaking as a clingee— I kinda didn't mind.
Anya: Thanks. For everything. Xander— what if I'm really nobody?
Xander: Don't be a dope.
Anya: I'm a dope?
Anya: That's a start.
Xander: Okay, so you'll be safe in here. Plenty of sunlight for you to hide in.
Anya: What? That's it? You're not at least gonna like leave me a crossbow or a flame thrower? Something to protect myself?
Xander: We don't want him to know we suspect anything. Besides if he tries to leave, I don't want you confronting him. Call Buffy and just let her know that he's on the move. You're gonna be fine.
Anya: Better be, because if I get vamped, I'm gonna bite your ass.
Xander: Wouldn't be the first time.
Never Leave Me
Anya: Did you see that? I actually made him cry.
Xander: You were perfect. I was worried I overdid it with the whole "easy way, hard way" thing.
Anya: No, you were great! And I wasn't sure if I should slap him, but then he made me want to slap him, so I thought, okay, slap him!
Xander: He'll be singing in no time.
Andrew: Thank you, Xander. That's sweet of you. I understand that exactly one year ago today you left Anya at the altar. Any comment on that?
Xander: Whoa. What the hell?
Andrew: I just think people will be interested.
Anya: I know I am. What do you have to say for yourself one year later?
Xander: I've apologized enough, that's what I have to say.
Andrew: But you think it was something that called for an apology?
Xander: Well, yes.
Andrew: So you don't think it was the right thing to do.
Anya: Of course he doesn't think it was the right thing to do.
Xander: It was the right thing to do.
Andrew: Interesting. I think we're getting something here.
Xander: Look, Anya, if I had married you, it would have been against everything I thought was best. It wouldn't have worked.
Anya: But we—we still spark. I mean, I get jealous of you. You get jealous of me. You still love me.
Andrew: Is that true, Xander? Do you still love her?
Anya: You keep dodging the question.
Xander: I don't mean to. It's just—you know how I feel, right? And you were the one who didn't want to keep seeing each other.
Anya: And here's where we hop on the merry-go-round of rotating knives. I blame you, and you blame me, and we both end up all cut to shreds. Please just tell— Do you still love me?
Xander: Yes. I still love you. I always will. I just don't know if that means anything for us anymore.
Anya: Well, I love you too. I don't know if that means anything either.
Xander: Well, it's nice to hear. I'm not gonna find anyone out there like you, am I?
Anya: Doesn't seem likely.
Xander: I guess I'm more replaceable, obviously.
Anya: No. There's no one like you, Xander. You were willing to stand up to danger, even when your hands had no weapons. You were ready to protect me with your life.
Xander: Yeah, I guess we fit together pretty good.
Anya: We fit together great.
Xander: You know, sometimes, I want to be back in your life.
Anya: I hope you know you never left my heart.
Xander: That was nice.
Anya: Certainly was, you carpenter you.
Xander: It's too bad Buffy took Spike's chains down, huh?
Anya: You said it.
Xander: Mmm, I feel good.
Anya: Well, yeah. I'm a spitfire in the bedroom.
Xander: Yeah, I knew we'd always do that again.
Anya: Yeah, one more time anyway.
Xander: Is that what that was? One more time?
Anya: Do you think there should be more?
Xander: I don't know. It was nice. It felt, um—it felt like a one more time.
Anya: I think maybe we're really over. Which is—it's good, right? I mean, now we can move on.
Anya: They could have a little respect, you know. I mean, they should at least acknowledge the fact that some people might not want to listen to an a cappella concert of people moaning and groaning. It's disgusting is what it is.
Xander: A little jealous, huh?
Anya: Of course I am! I'm a lot jealous. I mean, if we're done having sex, then I think other people should just knock it off.
Anya: Come on, let's go assemble the cannon fodder.
Xander: That's not what we're calling them, sweetie.
Anya: Not to their faces. What, am I insensitive?
Anya: So that leaves me and the dungeon master in the north hall?
Andrew: We will defend it with our very lives.
Anya: Yes, we will defend it with his very life.
Xander: And don't be afraid to use him as a human shield.
Anya: Good, yes, thanks.
Xander: So, did you see?
Andrew: I—I was scared. I'm sorry.
Xander: Did you see what happened? I mean, was she...
Andrew: She was incredible. She died saving my life.
Xander: That's my girl. Always doing the stupid thing.