Spikey. Let's leave the slayer alone. You know she'll only slap you around, and I can do that.
Some of the witty and wonderful dialogue from this episode. Send all thanks for the joy to Doug Petrie.
Forrest: Oh... Check her out. Is she hot, or is she hot?
Riley: She's Buffy.
Forrest: Buffy? I like that. That girl's so hot, she's Buffy.
Riley: It's her name, Forrest.
Riley: I don't dislike her. She just-- she never feels like she's really there when you talk to her. I like girls I can get a grip on.
Forrest: I bet you do.
Riley: Not that way. Just a little less ready for takeoff all the time. There's definitely something off about her.
Graham: Maybe she's Canadian.
Xander: No studying? Damn! Next thing they'll tell me is I'll have to eat jelly doughnuts or sleep with a supermodel to get things done around here. I ask you, how much can one man give?
Giles: Not too much, I'm afraid. Um... Once again I'd say that you and I will not be needed to help Buffy.
Xander: Well, how about this? We whip out the ouija board, light a few candles, summon some ancient, unstoppable evil. Mayhem, mayhem, mayhem. We show up and kick its ass.
Giles: Wee bit unethical.
Vampire: Who cares? All I know is, one minute I'm running from the Slayer, And the next thing, I'm here.
Spike: The Slayer! I knew it! I knew it!
Vampire: Yeah, she took apart my crew, and led me straight to these guys.
Spike: She set me up, too. I always worried what would happen when that bitch got some funding. She's wised up a bit. Fine! I'll take her apart. I don't care how brilliant she is.
Buffy: You know, for someone who teaches human behavior, you might try showing some.
Walsh: It's not my job to coddle my students.
Buffy: You're right. A human being in pain has nothing to do with your job.
Riley: I just didn't like hearing him talk about Buffy that way. I think I... Well, I guess I like her.
Forrest: You're kind of like a moron.
Riley: So, you... You knew that I had feelings for her.
Forrest: Everybody knows, man. Oh, she's peculiar? Dead giveaway, buddy.
Riley: I'm always the last to know.
Forrest: So, whatcha gonna do?
Riley: Well, I guess I'm gonna go see a girl.
Willow: Ok, say that I help, and you start a conversation. It goes great. You like Buffy, she likes you. You spend time together, feelings grow deeper, and one day, without even realizing it, you find you're in love. Time stops, and it feels like the whole world's made for you two, and you two alone, until the day one of you leaves and rips the still-beating heart from the other, who's now a broken, hollow, mockery of the human condition.
Riley: Yep, that's the plan.
Willow: I figured it was.
Harmony: Spikey. Let's leave the slayer alone. You know she'll only slap you around, and I can do that.
Xander: Every man faces this moment. Here. Now. Watching. Waiting For an unseen enemy that has no face. Nerve endings screaming in silence. Never knowing which thought might be your last.
Giles: Oh, shut up.
Riley: So what do I do?
Willow: Ask her to dance.
Riley: Right. Dance. Wait. No.
Willow: What's the matter?
Riley: I can't dance.
Willow: Then talk. Keep eye contact. Funny is good, but don't be glib. And remember, if you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend. Have fun.
Xander: That's close enough. I'm warning you - I've been highly trained to put this through your heart. No mercy, no warning.
Harmony: I can kill you where you stand.
Xander: Bring it on, then. Ow!
Harmony: Ow! You sissy kicker!
Xander: Harmony, it's been great catching up. Really, I'm just gonna pick up the tattered shreds of my dignity and go home.
Riley: I can't believe it. I choked.
Willow: You really, really did.
Riley: You don't understand. I'm good at things. That's what I do. Work hard, apply myself, get it done.
Willow: Well, you failed extremely well.
Riley: That's a great comfort to me.
Riley: It's not like she blew me off. She just left with another guy, that's all.
Riley: The problem is, what kind of girl is gonna go out with a guy who's acting all joe regular by day and then turns all demon-hunter by night?
Graham: Maybe a peculiar one.
Buffy: What is wrong with him? Doesn't Spike get that this is my town?
Giles: He's resilient.
Buffy: And it's my night off.
Xander: I'm sure he'd pick another night if he knew you were busy with teutonic boy toy.
Buffy: What is that supposed to mean?
Buffy: Riley's a doof. He's not teutonic.
Buffy: Whoa! Ok... It's a free campus. Who died and made you John Wayne?
Riley: I'm just trying to help.
Buffy: You think I need help? Believe me, I don't. You know, if you were a real gentleman, then you would just leave. You would go far, far away, now! Shoo!
Riley: Are you drunk?
Buffy: Yes! Go and report me.
Buffy: Oh, did you ever think maybe I'm gonna take you home, huh? What? You think that boys can take care of themselves and girls need help?
Buffy: That is so teutonic.
Spike: I don't understand. This sort of thing's never happened to me before.
Willow: Maybe you were nervous.
Spike: I felt all right when I started. Let's try again. Ow! Oh! Ow! Damn it!
Willow: Maybe you're trying too hard. Doesn't this happen to every vampire?
Spike: Not to me, it doesn't!
Willow: It's me, isn't it?
Spike: What are you talking about?
Willow: Well, you came looking for Buffy, then settled. I--I... You didn't want to bite me. I just happened to be around.
Willow: I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into. It's always like, "ooh, you're like a sister to me," or, "oh, you're such a good friend."
Spike: Don't be ridiculous. I'd bite you in a heartbeat.
Spike: Thought about it.
Spike: Remember last year, you had on that... fuzzy pink number with the lilac underneath?
Willow: I never would have guessed. You played the blood-lust kinda cool.
Spike: Mmm. I hate being obvious. All fang-y and "rrrr!" Takes the mystery out.
Willow: You know, this doesn't make you any less terrifying.
Spike: Don't patronize me.
Walsh: I'm not interested in guess work, gentlemen. Call me old-fashioned. I like results. This report reads like a child's riddle book.
Buffy: Uh, last night... At the party, You wanted to tell me something?
Riley: Oh, yeah. Very important stuff. I don't remember any of it now. But you would have been fascinated, possibly even moved. Did Willow tell you I like cheese?
Buffy: You're a little peculiar.
Riley: I can live with that.