Jayne: Well, I think you might want to reconsider that last part. See, I married me a powerful ugly creature.
Mal: How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people?
Jayne: If I could make you prettier, I would.
Mal: You are not the man I met a year ago.

Mal: But if your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you.

Inara: So, explain to me again why Zoe wasn't in the dress?
Mal: Tactics, woman! Needed her in the back. Besides, them soft cotton dresses feel kind of nice. There's a whole airflow.

Mal: Zoe, why do I have a wife?
Jayne: You got a wife? All I got is that dumb-ass stick sounds like it's raining. How come you got a wife?

Mal: Zoe, would you get Wash?
Zoe: This is Zoe. We need all personnel in the cargo bay.
Mal: 'All?' I said Wash.
Zoe: Captain, everyone should have a chance to congratulate you on your day of bliss.
Mal: There's no bliss. I don't know this girl!
Jayne: Then can I know her?

Wash: We'd always hoped you two kids would get together. Who is she?
Mal: She's no one.
Kaylee: Captain!
Mal: Would you stop that?
Saffron: I'm sorry.
Wash: You brute.
Kaylee: Oh sweetie, don't feel bad. He makes everybody cry. He's like a monster.
Mal: I'm not a monster!

Mal: How drunk was I last night?
Jayne: I don't know. I passed out.

Mal: Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back!

Mal: You got the right, same as anyone, to live and try to kill people. You know, people that are... it's a dumb planet!

Book: If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.
Mal: Wha...? I am not... Preacher, you've got a smutty mind!

Zoe: So... are you enjoying your own nubile little slave girl?
Mal: She wanted to make me dinner. At least she's not crying.
Wash: I might. Did she really make fresh bao? Quaint!
Zoe: Remember that sex we were planning to have ever again?

Mal: I would appreciate it if one person on this boat would not assume I'm an evil, lecherous hump.
Zoe: No one's saying that, sir.
Wash: Yeah, we're pretty much just giving each other significant glances and laughing incessantly.

Mal: Can I come in?
Inara: No.
Mal: See, that's why I usually don't ask.

Mal: Are you offering me a trade?
Jayne: A trade?! Hell, it's theft. This is the best damn gun made by man. It has extreme sentimental value. It's miles more worthy than what you got.
Mal: What I got? She has a name.
Jayne: So does this! Call it Vera.
Mal: Well, my days of taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.

Wash: Every planet has its own weird customs. About a year before we met, I spent six weeks on a moon where the principal form of recreation was juggling geese. My hand to god. Baby geese - gosslings - they were juggled.

Mal: It's been a while, a long damn while, since anybody but me took a hold of my plow, so don't think for a second that I'm not interested.

Mal: Oh, I'm going to go to the special hell.

Wash: I wish I was somebody else right now. Somebody not married, not madly in love with a beautiful woman who can kill me with her pinky.
Saffron: I've been too forward.
Wash: Nooo... well, yes, but I actually like that in a woman. That's why Zoe and I are, as previously mentioned, married.
Saffron: I thought... she didn't seem to respect you.
Wash: Not everybody gets me and Zoe at first glance. Did it get very hot in here? I need airflow.
Saffron: You love her very much.
Wash: Yeah. I never did meet anyonce quite like Zoe.

Mal: Is it Christmas?
Simon: Well, he's back.
Mal: What happened about me?

Zoe: So you two were kissing?
Book: Well, isn't that... special.

Zoe: My man would never fall for that cheap whore.
Wash: Most of my head wishes I had.

Book: You were victimized, Wash was beaten, and Inara found you here.
Inara: Yeah, and then I fell. My head got hurt like Wash.
Mal: I don't get any of this.
Inara: I only fell is all.

Mal: What was she after?
Book: Besides molesting innocent captains?
Mal: You want to stow it, Preacher?

Kaylee: It was your big make-out session that got us into this, sir.
Mal: I was poisoned.
Inara: You were drugged.
Jayne: That's why I never kiss them on the mouth.

Mal: But she had professional... so... in my case... it was really... You would have kissed her, too!
Zoe: Wash didn't.
Mal: But she was naked! And all... articulate!
Wash: Okay! Everybody not talking about sex, in here. Everybody else, elsewhere.

Jayne: One day you're gonna tell us how a preacher knows so damn much about crime.

Jayne: See Vera? Dress yourself up, you get taken out somewhere fun.

Wash: Captain, don't you know kissing girls makes you sleepy?
Mal: Sometimes I just can't help myself.

Mal: You even think about playing me again, I will riddle you with roles.
Saffron: Everybody plays each other. That's all anybody ever does. We play parts.
Mal: You got all kinds of learning and you made me look the fool without trying, and yet here I am, with a gun to your head. That's 'cause I got people with me, people who trust each other, who do for each other, and ain't always looking for the advantage.

Mal: You're a very graceful woman, Inara.
Inara: I... thank you.
Mal: So here's where I'm fuzzy - you got by that girl, came and found me, and somehow you happened to just trip and fall?
Inara: What do you mean?
Mal: Come on, Inara, how's about we don't play. You didn't just trip, did you?
Inara: No.
Mal: Well, isn't that something. I knew you let her kiss you.