Anya: Xander? If you ever decide to go, I want a warning. You know, big flashing red lights, and-and-and one of those clocks that counts down like a bomb in a movie? And there's a whole bunch of, of colored wires, and I'm not sure which is the right one to cut, but I guess the green one, and then at the last second 'No! The red one!' and then click, it stops with three-tenths of a second left, but then you don't leave. Like that, okay?
Xander: Check. Big bomb clock.
Anya: Maybe it's her.
Anya: Well, maybe it won't happen to us because it's all about her messing things up. She couldn't make it work with Angel, and then she let Riley go away.
Xander: Yeah, relationship debris is kind of piling up on the Buffy highway.
Anya: Hmm. Humans make the same mistakes over and over. I saw it when I was a vengeance demon. Some guy dumps a girl, she calls me, I exact vengeance, blah blah blah, the next year, same girl, different guy. I mean, after you smite a few of 'em you start going 'my goodness, young lady... maybe you're doing something wrong here too.'
Xander: I don't think it's a pattern with her. No, it's just... you know, now that it happened again... man number two... I wonder how she's dealing with it.
Buffy: So, um, a-about being a nun... you know, um, with the whole... abjuring the company of men... you know, how's that working for you? The... abjuring.
Nun: Um... good.
Buffy: Yeah, do you, do you have to be like super-religious?
Nun: Well, uh...
Buffy: How's the food?
Buffy: So you really think they might be able to help us?
Giles: Uh, if you mean are they gonna help us find out something about Glory... I saw that coming. You're dropping your shoulder. Uh, the resources that the... Watchers Council has at their disposal, I mean the Central Library alone is just...
Buffy: Don't talk about the books again. You get all... and sometimes there's drool.
Anya: You're going away for a week? That's great!
Giles: Yes, yes, everybody seems delighted about it.
Tara: I'm envious, Mr. Giles. A trip to England sounds so exciting and exotic. Un...less you're English.
Willow: We can come by between classes! Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens... but it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane.
Tara: I said 'quirky.'
Giles: Um, Anya, while, while I completely trust you uh, uh, to take care of the inventory and the money, um... dealing with people requires a certain, uh... finesse.
Anya: I have finesse! I have finesse coming out of my bottom! I can completely lie to the health inspector. I can, you know, distract him with coy smiles, and, and bribe him with money and goods.
Xander: See there? She'll be great.
Willow: Don't worry, Giles. I'll help her take care of everything. It'll be ship-shape. Better, it'll be shop-shape.
Anya: Xander, she's talking to Giles like I'm not here. Make her stop.
Giles: Perhaps I'd better call the airline...
Willow: I'm just trying to help out! Xander, tell her.
Giles: ...schedule an earlier flight back, excuse me.
Xander: So, how goes the slaying?
Buffy: I killed something in a convent last night.
Xander: In any other room, a frightening declaration. Here, a welcome distraction. Tell us all about the killing, Buff.
Buffy: Pretty standard. Vampire staking. Ooh! But I met a nun, and she let me try on her wimple.
Xander: Okay, now we're back to frightening.
Buffy: No more bathrobe.
Joyce: Hmm. I looked at it today, and there it was, all fuzzy and blue, and I just couldn't stand it any more.
Buffy: I don't think the rest of us will miss it much either.
Dawn: It was getting a little ripe, Mom.
Buffy: Maybe we should burn it.
Dawn: It would keep the bugs away.
Joyce: It doesn't smell! Fine, fine, make your funny jokes at the expense of the woman with the hole in her skull.
Spike: Um... there's something I got to tell you. About showing you Riley in that place. I didn't mean to... Anyway, I know you're feeling all betrayed - by him, not me. I was trying to help, you know. Not like I made him be there, after all. Actually trying to help you. Best intentions. I mean, you know, pretty state you'd be in, thinking things are all right while he's toddling halfway round the bend. Oh, I'll insult him if I want to! I'm the one who's on your side! Me! Doing you a favor! And you, being dead petty about it - me, getting nothing but your hatred and your venom and - you ungrateful bitch! Bitch! ... Buffy... there's something I wanted to tell you.
Willow: You're the fish!
Willow: The, the fish in the bowl, in The Cat in the Hat. He was always saying that the cat shouldn't be there while the mother was out.
Anya: What are you talking about?
Tara: It's a book. This cat does all this mischief.
Willow: It's so cute. He balances a bunch of stuff, including that fish in the bowl! A-and, but don't try it for real when you're six, because then you're not allowed to have fish for five years.
Anya: You're referencing literature I have no way to be familiar with. You're trying to make me feel left out, and you're stealing!
Willow: I'm not stealing. I-I'm just taking things without paying for th... In what twisted dictionary is that stealing?
Willow: Anya, Giles would be totally fine with this. Come on, it'll be fun. We could show you how to do some stuff! You could be floatin' pencils by the end of the day.
Anya: Sometimes I miss having powers. Oh. Oh! I know what this is! This is peer pressure! Any second now you're gonna make me smoke tobacco and, and have drugs.
Anya: Money. Did you hurt the money? Money good? She endangered the money!
Willow: Of course, that's what she cares about. 'I like money better than people. People can so rarely be exchanged for goods and/or services.'
Anya: Xander, she's pretending to be me!
Willow: Well, can you even believe how she's acting?
Xander: Okay, you know what? I'm tired of being the one in the middle. I'm not gonna let you pull me into this.
Willow: I'm not.
Xander: Whatever the issue is between you two, just figure it out without me.
Willow: He's not a ball of sunshine.
Buffy: The professor spit too much when he talked. It was like being at Sea World. 'The first five rows will get wet.'
Tara: That was just, you know, um, enthusiasm.
Buffy: It seemed very much like saliva.
Tara: We'll sit farther back next time.
Buffy: Good plan.
Willow: I don't even get how we made that guy, because, wow, advanced!
Anya: No one made him. He must have been trapped in that crystal, and you released him.
Willow: I released him? No, this was definitely a 'we' thing. Or, or a 'you' thing! I-it definite feels like a you thing.
Willow: You don't know how to drive? Why didn't you say you don't know how to drive?
Anya: Well, I couldn't know if I could until I tried, could I?
Willow: This is very, very bad. There, there's an ogre on the loose-
Anya: Troll on the loose. Now hold on, I'm gonna press the right pedal harder. I expect us to accelerate.
Willow: There's a troll on the loose, and you're gonna crash Giles' car!
Anya: It's likely. We're going very fast. You should have listened to me and not done the spell. Giles put me in charge.
Willow: Giles can be an idiot. The smart kind, but still.
Spike: They have chicken wings too. Also a sort of a flower-shaped thing they make from an onion. It's brilliant.
Xander: Are you talking to me hoping that I'll get so depressed that I'll impale myself on a fork right in front of you?
Spike: Lovely thought. If I don't hurt you myself, the chip wouldn't zap me. I could eat you that way. Beat the onion thing all to hell.
Olaf: Rrrah! You do well to flee, townspeople! I will pillage your lands and dwellings! I will burn your crops and make merry sport with your more attractive daughters! Ha ha ha! Mark my words! Ooh! Ale! I smell delicious ale!
Xander: And they get in these fights, and they're both looking at me like I'm the referee. Also, sometimes I'll say something about Anya, and Willow'll get this look, this, um, 'what the hell do you see in her' look.
Spike: I know that look. Lot of people never really got Dru, you know.
Xander: Well, she was insane. Then it's like, well, I get all torn. Because, Willow's my best friend and I really value her opinion, but, uh, Anya's my girlfriend, you know?
Spike: Hmm. What does the Slayer think of all this... friction in the ranks? Can't be good for morale.
Xander: I don't know.
Spike: She's a little... preoccupied, maybe. It's understandable what with all the upset, all the blaming of innocent bystanders who got caught up in the mess.
Spike: I mean, did she want to be made a fool of? And, what does a person have to do to make it right?
Xander: I'm gonna run and get Buffy. Or maybe you could fight him.
Spike: Yeah, I could do that, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much.
Olaf: You there! Do you know where there are babies?
Spike: What do you think, the hospital?
Xander: What? Shut up! Um... listen...
Olaf: I find myself very hungry. And when I'm hungry I grow short of patience.
Xander: Well, we can take care of the hungry, so how's about you just sit down in one of the... sturdier chairs, and we can... have a calm talk and something to eat.
Olaf: Can it be babies?
Xander: Well, not so much.
Xander: But maybe... some roast pigs, and... stags, and... much hearty grog.
Spike: They've got this onion thing...
Willow: I wish Buffy was here.
Buffy: I'm here.
Willow: I wish I had a million dollars. Just checking.
Olaf: You... told the witch to do that, Anyanka. You seem determined to put an end to all my fun. Just like you always did when we were dating!
Anya: Uh, um...
Xander: You dated him?
Buffy: You dated a troll?
Willow: And we're what, surprised by this?
Anya: Well, he wasn't a troll then! You know, he was just a big dumb guy, and... well, you know, he cheated on me and I made him into a troll, which by the way is... how I got the... job as a vengeance demon.
Buffy: What are you doing?
Spike: Making this woman more comfortable. I'm not sampling, I'll have you know. Just look at all these lovely blood-covered people. I could, but not a taste for Spike, not a lick. Know you wouldn't like it.
Buffy: You want credit for not feeding on bleeding disaster victims?
Spike: Well, yeah.
Buffy: You're disgusting.
Spike: What's it take?
Willow: You're so rude! I mean, sure, at first, ex-demon, doesn't know the rules. Well, you been here forever. Learn the rules.
Anya: Rules are stupid.
Willow: Great, whatever. I just thought you might be interested in learning to act more human. Some of us enjoy it. Oh, look for, uh, spells with dimensional portals too.
Anya: I am a human. And there are... many humans who are stranger than me.
Willow: Uh-huh, but, unless I'm really wrong about crazy Larry down at the bus stop, he's probably not gonna turn Xander into a troll.
Anya: Well, now, that's a very complicated proced... Oh. You think I'm gonna hurt Xander? I would never hurt Xander! You really think I would do that!
Willow: Anya, it's what you do. You spent what, a thousand years hurting men? You got your 'thousand years of hurting men' gold watch.
Willow: Xander's my best friend!
Anya: Oh, and you don't want anyone else to have him. I know what broke up him and Cordelia, you know. It was you! And your lips!
Willow: No it was not! Well, yes it was so, but... that was a long time ago. Do you think I'd do that again?
Anya: Why not?
Willow: Well, hello, gay now.
Anya: But you're always doing everything you can to, to point out how much I'm an outsider. You've known him since you were squalling infants together. You'll always know him better than I do. You could sweep in and, and poison his mind against me.
Willow: You're insane! I am not gonna take him away and I am not gonna hurt him.
Anya: Well, I'm not either!
Olaf: You fight well, although you are a tiny man. I shall reward you. Only one of your women shall die, and you shall be the one to choose.
Willow: Did he just say-
Olaf: Ha ha. Choose! Anyanka or the witch. One of your women must die.
Xander: No. You are one crazy troll, I... I'm not choosing between my girlfriend and my best friend. That's insane troll logic.
Anya: Go Xander. I love you.
Olaf: Good for you. You are a loyal man.
Olaf: Now. Choose!
Anya: Olaf, no!
Xander: I'm not choosing.
Anya: How can I help?
Willow: Uh, distract him from Buffy, uh, piss him off.
Anya: I don't know how.
Willow: Anya, I have faith in you. There is no one you cannot piss off.
Anya: Uh, y-you're hairy, and unattractive, and even women trolls are put off by your various odors.
Willow: Instrumentum ultionis, telum fabuloso, surge, surge, terram pro voca.
Anya: Your menacing stance is merely alarming! And your roar is less than full-throated!
Olaf: Desist! My god, woman, it's been a thousand years, and yet you are as aggravating and emasculating as ever you were.
Xander: You really dated him?
Xander: But you like me better, right?
Anya: Yes! Oh, and Willow likes you too, but not in a sexy way, you know, 'cause she's gay. And she's not gonna try to break us up, so, you know, it's all okay.
Buffy: Where did you send him?
Anya: The land of the trolls. He'll like it there. Full of trolls.
Willow: It's hard to be precise, though. Alternate universes don't stay put. Trying to send him to a specific place is sort of like... like... trying to hit a... puppy, by throwing a live bee at it. Which is a weird image, and you should all just forget it.
Anya: It's possible that he's in the land of perpetual Wednesday... or the crazy melty land... or, you know, the world without shrimp.
Tara: There's a world without shrimp? I'm allergic.
Giles: I cringe to think what the place would have looked like if I'd been away for longer than three days.
Buffy: Well, maybe we would have had time to clean it up. You know, if Willow used some magicks to help.
Giles: Yes, because nothing could possibly go wrong with that.