Xander: You don't know what you're talking about.
Willow: Xander, he was obviously in charge.
Xander: He was a puppet! She was using him!
Willow: He didn't seem like the type of guy who would let himself be used.
Xander: Well, that was her genius! He didn't even know he was playing second fiddle. Buffy.
Xander: Who was the real power? The Captain, or Tennille?
Buffy: Ummm... Who are these people?
Xander: The Captain and Tennille? Boy, somebody was raised in a culture-free environment!
Xander: How is Angel? Pretend I care.
Buffy: Getting better.
Willow: And you're loving playing nursemaid?
Buffy: Oh, yeah!
Xander: So, is it better than playing naughty stewardess?
Xander: Oh, that's the sound she makes when she's speechless with geeker joy.
Giles: Buffy? I-I believe he's, he's, um... It, it's, it's staking time, really. Don't you think?
Buffy: Any others?
Giles: Well, for their sakes, I certainly hope not.
Buffy: What? I kill vampires, that's my job.
Giles: Well, true, true, although you don't usually beat them into quite such a bloody pulp beforehand.
Buffy: I killed a vampire here on Wednesday. Why are they hanging out at the park?
Giles: Well, they're... scattered, you know. Now their leaders are gone, with any luck dead. In times of crisis they usually return to the easiest feeding grounds.
Buffy: Vampires are creeps.
Giles: Yes, that's why one slays them.
Buffy: If you say one more word, things will become dire.
Xander: Did you even bother to taste 'em? Nooo! Well, I did, and I'm here to tell ya those mini pizzas have changed my life! Ted is the master chef!
Buffy: Fine! So he's a good cook. Well, what does that really tell you about a person?
Willow: You don't like him?
Buffy: I don't know him. I, I mean, so far all I see is someone who apparently has a good job, seems nice and polite, and my mother really likes him.
Xander: What kind of a monster is he?
Buffy: I'm just saying there's something a little too clean about this clown.
Willow: He's a clean clown! I have my own fun.
Xander: You're having parental issues, you're having parental issues...
Xander: What? Freud would've said the exact same thing. Except he might not have done that little dance.
Buffy: Okay, I admit it's weird. Seeing my mother frenching a guy is definitely a ticket to therapy land, but it's more than that. I'm pretty good at sensing what's going on around me, and there is definitely something wrong with this... Ted.
Buffy: So mom's like, 'Do you think Ted will like this?' and 'This is Ted's favorite show,' and 'Ted's teaching me computers,' and 'Ted said the funniest thing,' and I'm like, 'That's really great, Mom,' and then she said I was being sarcastic, which I was, but I'm sorry if I don't wanna talk about Ted all the time.
Angel: So, you gonna talk about something else at some point?
Buffy: I'm sorry. I just have so much to deal with, I don't need some new guy in my life.
Angel: No, but maybe your mom does.
Buffy: Well, sure, if you're gonna use wisdom.
Angel: Kiss me.
Buffy: Finally, something I wanna do!
Ted: I think you're missing the point here, little lady. Right is right, wrong is wrong. Why don't people see that?
Buffy: It's just a game?
Ted: Right, it's just a game, do your own thing, well, I'm not wired that way. And I am here to tell you it is not a game! It does count, and I don't stand for that kind of malarkey in my house!
Buffy: Then I guess it's a good thing I'm not in your house.
Ted: Do you want me to slap that smart-ass mouth of yours?
Willow: What do you mean, check him out?
Buffy: I mean investigate him. Find out his secrets, hack into his life.
Xander: Can you say 'overreaction'?
Buffy: Can you say 'sucking chest wound'?
Willow: Buffy, it just seems like you want him to be corrupt, or something.
Buffy: The guy lost his senses over mini-golf.
Xander: So he's a little uptight. Last I heard that's not a slaying offense. Don't gimme the look, I'm on your side. I'm just saying there are some things in life you have to accept.
Buffy: And I'm saying Ted ain't one of 'em.
Xander: Hey, Cordy! Nice outfit.
Cordelia: Oh, very funny.
Xander: Not really.
Cordelia: What are you saying?
Xander: Nice outfit?
Cordelia: Well, why don't you just keep your mouth shut!
Cordelia: What's wrong with you?
Xander: I gave you a compliment.
Cordelia: In front of your friends! They're gonna know!
Xander: Know what?
Cordelia: Please! It's too traumatic for me to even say it!
Xander: That we kissed?
Xander: Look, I'm not gonna tell, they're not gonna know. Not your friends, not my friends. You wanna go to the utility closet and make out?
Cordelia: God! Is that all you ever think about? Okay.
Neal: Nobody beats 'The Machine'. The guy's a genius. Knows everything about computers, never loses a client... If I sound bitter, I am.
Buffy: Well, nobody likes an overachiever.
Xander: What was he? A-a demon? A giant bug? Some kind of dark god with the secrets of nouvelle cuisine? I mean, we are talking creature-feature here, right? Oh man!
Willow: But I'm sure it wasn't your fault. He started it.
Buffy: Yeah. That defense only works in six-year-old court, Will.
Xander: Court? Wa-wait. Are they charging you with something?
Buffy: I-I don't know. Not yet. He was a person, and I killed him.
Willow: Don't say that!
Buffy: Why not? Everyone else is. And it's the truth.
Xander: It was an accident.
Buffy: I'm the Slayer. I had no right to hit him like that.
Xander: Look, Buffy, I don't know what happened exactly. But I do know you. And I know you would never hurt anyone intentionally. Well, you know, unless...
Buffy: Unless they were dating my mother? I gotta go.
Xander: Man, this is killing me! That bastard was up to something, I know it. If I could just get my hands on him... Earlier this week.
Cordelia: I thought you liked him.
Xander: I sometimes like things that are not good for me. Besides, no way, no how does Buffy put the big hurt on an innocent man. Nice Uncle Ted was dirty.
Xander: If Buffy has to go to jail because of that creep I'm gonna lose it. He's gotta be in there, Will. Uh, history of domestic violence, a criminal record? Ooo! Cookies!
Cordelia: I don't get it. Buffy's the Slayer. Shouldn't she have...
Xander: What, a license to kill?
Cordelia: Well, not for fun. But she's like this superman. Shouldn't there be different rules for her?
Willow: Sure, in a fascist society.
Cordelia: Right! Why can't we have one of those?
Willow: Buffy's not going to jail. It's not fair.
Giles: Whatever the authorities have planned for her, it can't be much worse than what she's doing to herself. She's taken a human life. The guilt, it-it's, it's pretty hard to bear, and it won't go away soon.
Cordelia: I guess you should know, since you helped raise that demon that killed that guy that time?
Giles: Yes. Do let's bring that up as often as possible.
Willow: Ted's got no criminal record! Damn! This guy's like citizen of the year!
Xander: Don't sweat it. It'll be fine.
Willow: Don't sweat it?
Xander: Yeah, cute buddy! We'll work it out! No worries!
Cordelia: What happened to 'this is killing me'?
Xander: Worrying isn't gonna solve any problems.
Xander: What do we know?
Willow: Well, apparently the secret ingredient is not love.
Xander: What is it then?
Willow: I'm not positive, but I think it's Dematorin. It's like a tranquilizer, keeps you all mellow and compliant. It also shares a few components with Ecstasy.
Xander: This is evidence! This is real evidence that Ted was some kind of a crook! Buffy's cleared! Willow, you are the best human ever! I adore you! Well, that's the cookies talkin', but you rock!
Cordelia: Feels like home. If it's the fifties and you're a psycho.
Xander: Whatcha got in the closet, Ted? ...Let's go.
Cordelia: But we need evidence!
Xander: We got it.
Willow: What's in there?
Xander: His first four wives.
Jenny: Oh, God, I am so sorry!
Giles: I think I'm alright.
Jenny: No, you're just in shock.
Giles: No, no, really, I, uh, I don't think it went in too deep. The... advantages of layers of tweed. Better than kevlar.
Ted: Buffy, come out! I don't stand for this kind of malarkey in my house!
Buffy: Uncle Teddy? This house is mine!
Joyce: Do you wanna rent a movie tonight?
Buffy: Sounds like fun.
Joyce: Just nothing with horror in it. Or romance. Or men.
Buffy: I guess we're 'Thelma and Louise'ing it again.
Xander: So, I'm Ted, the sickly loser. I'm dying and my wife dumps me. I build a better Ted. He brings her back, holds her hostage in his bunker'o'love until she dies. And then he keeps bringing her back, over and over. Now, now that's creepy on a level I hardly knew existed.
Willow: The sad part is the real Ted must've been a genius. There were design features in that robot that pre-date...
Buffy: Willow, tell me you didn't keep any parts.
Willow: Not any big ones.
Buffy: Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!
Willow: I just wanna learn stuff.
Cordelia: Like how to build your own serial killer?
Xander: Uh, it's so hard to rent one nowadays.
Buffy: Okay! That's it! I give up! Do I have to sound an air horn every time I walk into a room? I mean, what is it with grownups these days?