Home sweet homeInfo on episode, cast, characters, quotes, and moreMedia items including galleries, fanart, and comicsFun for everyone in the form of quizzes, a store, Be a Watcher, and columnsSite related items such as banners, links, cliques, etc.ChosenTwo.com

Teacher's Pet Quotes
Teacher's Pet Quotes

Dr. Gregory: I gather you had a few problems at your last school?
Buffy: Well, what teenager doesn't?
Dr. Gregory: Cut school, get in fights, burn down the gymnasium... Principal Flutie showed me your permanent record.
Buffy: Well, that fire, I mean, there was major extenuating circumstances. Actually, it's, uh, kinda funny!
Dr. Gregory: Can't wait to see what you're gonna do here.
Buffy: Destructo Girl. That's me.
Dr. Gregory: But I suspect it's gonna be great.
Buffy: You mean, 'great' in a bad way?
Dr. Gregory: You have a first-rate mind and you can think on your feet. Imagine what you could accomplish if you actually did the...
Buffy: ...the homework thing.
Dr. Gregory: The homework thing. I understand you probably have a good excuse for not doing it. Amazingly enough, I don't care. I know you can excel in this class, and so I expect no less. Is that clear?
Buffy: Yeah! Sorry.
Dr. Gregory: Don't be sorry, be smart. And please don't listen to the principal or anyone else's negative opinion about you. Let's make 'em eat that permanent record.

Blayne: Home for the holidays and lookin' for love! She's not my type, though. Girls really gotta have something to go with me.
Xander: Something like a lobotomy?

Xander: Babes!
Buffy: What are you doing?
Xander: Work with me here. Blayne had the nerve to question my manliness. I'm just gonna give him a visual.
Willow: We'll show him!

Willow: That must be Angel! I think?
Xander: That weird guy that warned her about all the vampires?
Willow: That's him, I'll bet you.
Xander: Well, he's buff! She never said anything about him being buff!
Willow: You think he's buff?
Xander: He's a very attractive man! How come that never came up?

Buffy: I'd say it's nice to see you, but then we both know that's a big fib.
Angel: I won't be long.
Buffy: No, you'll just give me a cryptic warning about some exciting new catastrophe, and then disappear into the night. Right?
Angel: You're cold.
Buffy: You can take it.
Angel: I mean, you look cold.

Xander: Oh, right! Give her your jacket. It's a balmy night, no one needs to be trading clothing out there!

Buffy: What happened?
Angel: I didn't pay attention.
Buffy: To somebody with a big fork?
Angel: He's coming.
Buffy: The Fork Guy?
Angel: Don't let him corner you. Don't give him a moment's mercy. He'll rip your throat out.
Buffy: Okay, I'll give you improved marks for that one. Ripping a throat out, it's a strong visual, it's not cryptic!
Angel: I have to go.
Buffy: Sweet dreams to you, too.

Giles: That's all he said? Fork Guy?
Buffy: That's all Cryptic Guy said: Fork Guy.
Giles: I think there are too many 'guys' in your life.

Giles: God, every day here is the same.
Buffy: Bright, sunny, beautiful, how ever can we escape this torment?
Giles: Really.

Natalie: Could you help me?
Xander: Uuuuuuhhhhhh... Yes!
Natalie: I'm looking for Science... 109.
Xander: Oh! It's, um... I go there every day! Oh, God, where is it?

Xander: It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.

Buffy: Hot dog surprise. Be still, my heart.
Willow: Call me old-fashioned, I don't want any more surprises in my hot dogs.

Xander: I wonder what she sees in me? It's probably the quiet good looks coupled with a certain smoky magnetism. Miss French. You two're probably a little young to understand what an older woman would see in a younger man.
Buffy: Oh, I understand.
Xander: Good!
Buffy: The younger man is too dumb to wonder why an older woman can't find someone her own age, and too desperate to care about the surgical improvements!
Xander: What surgical improvements?
Willow: Well, he is young.
Buffy: And so terribly innocent!
Xander: Hey, those that can, do. Those that can't laugh at those who... can do.

Buffy: Fork Guy doesn't do heads.
Giles: Not historically.
Buffy: And Dr. Gregory's blood wasn't drained.
Xander: So there's something else out there? Besides Silverwareman? Oh, this is fun, we're on Monster Island.

Giles: You went hunting last night.
Buffy: Yes.
Giles: When you assured me you wouldn't.
Buffy: Yes, I lied, I'm a bad person, let's move on.

Buffy: Do you know Miss French, the teacher that's subbing for Dr. Gregory?
Giles: Yes. Yes, she's lovely. In a, a common, extremely well proportioned way.
Buffy: Well, I'm chasing Claw Guy last night, and Miss Well Proportioned is heading home. The Claw Guy takes one look at her and runs screaming for cover.
Giles: He what? Ran away?
Buffy: He was petrified.
Giles: Of Miss French?
Buffy: Uh-huh! So I'm an undead monster that can shave with my hand... How many things am I afraid of?
Giles: Not many. And not substitute teachers, as a rule.

Mr. Flutie: Don't say dead! Or decapitated, or decomposing, I'd stay away from D-words altogether. But you witnessed the event, so this way, please.
Buffy: Well, no, I'm gonna be late for biology...
Mr. Flutie: Extremely late! You have to see a counselor. Everyone who saw the body has to see a crisis counselor.
Buffy: But I really don't need...
Mr. Flutie: We all need help with our feelings. Otherwise we bottle them up, and before you know it, powerful laxatives are involved. I really believe if we all reach out to one another we can beat this thing. I'm always here if you need a hug, but not a real hug! Because there's no touching, this school is sensitive to wrong touching.

Cordelia: I don't know what to say, it was really, I mean, one minute you're in your normal life, and then who's in the fridge? It really gets to you, a thing like that. It was... let's just say I haven't been able to eat a thing since yesterday. I think I lost, like, seven and a half ounces? Way swifter than that so-called diet that quack put me on. Oh, I'm not saying that we should kill a teacher every day just so I can lose weight, I'm just saying when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side. You know?

Buffy: No, I'm not saying she craned her neck. We are talking full-on Exorcist twist.
Willow: Ouch!

Natalie: Oh, Xander! I've done something really stupid. I hope you can forgive me.
Xander: Oh, forgiveness is my middle name! Well, actually it's LaVelle, and I'd appreciate it if you guard that secret with your life.

Buffy: Dig this: 'The praying mantis can rotate its head 180 degrees while waiting for its next meal to walk by.' Ha! Well, c'mon, guys. Ha!
Willow: Well, Miss French is sort of big. For a bug?
Giles: And she is, by and large, woman shaped.
Buffy: Okay. Factoid 1: Only the praying mantis can rotate its head like that. Factoid 2: A pretty whacked-out vampire is scared to death of her. Factoid 3: Her fashion sense screams predator.
Willow: It's the shoulder pads.
Buffy: Exactly.

Willow: Buffy, 911! Blayne's mom called the school. He never came home last night.
Giles: The boy who worked with Miss French yesterday?
Willow: Yeah! If Miss French is responsible for... Xander's supposed to be helping her right now! He's got a crush on a giant insect!

Giles: Um, this computer invasion that Willow's performing on the coroner's office, one, one assumes it is entirely legal?
Willow: Entirely!
Buffy: Of course!
Giles: Right. Wasn't here, didn't see it, couldn't have stopped you.
Buffy: Good idea.

Xander: It doesn't sound weird at all, I completely understand. I've met someone, and you're jealous.
Buffy: What?
Xander: Look, there's nothing I can do about it. Uh, there's just this certain chemical thing between Miss French and me.
Buffy: I know, I read all about it, it's call, um, a pheromone. It's a chemical attractant that insects give off.
Xander: She's not an insect! She's a woman, okay? And hard as that may be for you to conceive, an actual woman finds me attractive. I realize it's no mystery guy handing out leather jackets, and while we're on the subject, what kind of a girlie name is 'Angel' anyway?

Natalie: I just need to relax a little, I'm kinda nervous around you. You're probably cool as a cucumber!
Xander: I like cucumbers. Like in that Greek salad thing with the yogurt. Do you like Greek food? I'm exempting Schwarma, of course, I mean, what's that all about? It's a big meat hive.

Natalie: Have you ever been with a woman before?
Xander: You mean, like, in, uh, the same room?
Natalie: You know what I mean.
Xander: Oh, that, uh... Well, let me think. Um... Yeah, there was, uh... several! I mean, and, uh, quite a few times... And then there was, uh... Oh, she was incredibly... No. Uh-uh.

Giles: Frankly, madam, I haven't the faintest idea what time it is, nor do I care. Now, unlock his cell, unstrap him, and bring him to the telephone immediately. This is a matter of life and death!

Buffy: Huh! It's the way they feed, head first. It's also the way they mate. The female bites off the male's head while they're...
Willow: No, no, no! See? Xander's, I like his head! I-it's where you find his eyes, and his hair, and his adorable smile...

Giles: I-I understand, Carlyle. Yes... I-I'll take every precaution. Uh, absolutely, i-i-it sounds exactly like the creature you described. Y-you were right all along about everything. Well, n-no, you weren't right about your mother coming back as a Pekinese, but... uh... Try to rest, old man. Yes... Ta! Bye now!

Giles: Dr. Ferris Carlyle spent years transcribing a lost pre-Germanic language. What he discovered he kept to himself until several teenage boys were murdered in the Cotswolds. Then he went hunting for it.
Buffy: It being...
Giles: Uh, he calls her a She-Mantis. This type of creature, the Kleptes-Virgo, or, or virgin-thief, appears in, in many cultures. The Greek sirens, the Celtic sea maidens, who, who tore the living flesh from the bones of, um...
Buffy: Giles, while we're young!
Giles: Uh, well, basically the, uh, the She-Mantis assumes the form of a beautiful woman and then lures innocent virgins back to her nest.
Buffy: Virgins? Well, Xander's not a, uh... I mean, he's probably...
Willow: ...gonna die!

Giles: Where am I gonna find the...
Buffy: In the vid library? There're no books, but it's dark and musty, you'll feel right at home, go!

Xander: Can I just say one thing? HEEEELLLLP! HEEEELLLLP!

Xander: Just for the record, you were right, I'm an idiot, and God bless you!

Willow: I'm really glad you're okay. It's so unfair how she only went after virgins.
Xander: What?
Willow: I mean, here you guys are, doing the right thing, the smart thing, when a lot of other boys your age...
Blayne: Flag down on that play, babe. I am not...
Giles: Well, you see, that's the She-Mantis' modus operandi. Uh, she only preys on the pure.
Xander: Well, isn't this a perfect ending to a wonderful day!
Blayne: My dad's a lawyer. Anyone repeats this to anybody, they're gonna find themselves facing a lawsuit.
Xander: Blayne! Shut up!
Willow: I don't think it's bad, I think it's really... sweet! It's certainly nothing I'll ever bring up again.

Angel: I heard a rumor there was, uh, one less vampire walking around making a nuisance of himself.
Buffy: There is. Guess I should thank you for the tip.
Angel: Pleasure's mine.
Buffy: Course, it would make things easier if I knew how to get in touch with you.
Angel: I'll be around.
Buffy: Or who you were? Well... Anyway, you can have your jacket back.
Angel: It looks better on you.

The Usual
The Usual

Random Quotage:

Do we hug?
I think we're too manly.
-Xander and Oz (The Freshman)

Where to Watch:
  Amazon Instant Video


BtVS: The Score CD BtVS: The Score CD

Buffy the Vampire Slayer - The Chosen Collection (Seasons 1-7) BtVS - The Chosen Collection (Seasons 1-7)

This site and its content & graphics are copyright 1999-2015 Anna and Harsh Light Productions. "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" TM and (or copyright) Fox and its related entities. All rights reserved. Any reproduction, duplication or distribution of these materials in any form is expressly prohibited. This web site, its operators and any content on this site relating to "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" are not authorized by Fox. Please read this site's disclaimer.