Dr. Gregory: I gather you had a few problems at your last school?
Buffy: Well, what teenager doesn't?
Dr. Gregory: Cut school, get in fights, burn down the gymnasium... Principal Flutie showed me your permanent record.
Buffy: Well, that fire, I mean, there was major extenuating circumstances. Actually, it's, uh, kinda funny!
Dr. Gregory: Can't wait to see what you're gonna do here.
Buffy: Destructo Girl. That's me.
Dr. Gregory: But I suspect it's gonna be great.
Buffy: You mean, 'great' in a bad way?
Dr. Gregory: You have a first-rate mind and you can think on your feet. Imagine what you could accomplish if you actually did the...
Buffy: ...the homework thing.
Dr. Gregory: The homework thing. I understand you probably have a good excuse for not doing it. Amazingly enough, I don't care. I know you can excel in this class, and so I expect no less. Is that clear?
Buffy: Yeah! Sorry.
Dr. Gregory: Don't be sorry, be smart. And please don't listen to the principal or anyone else's negative opinion about you. Let's make 'em eat that permanent record.

Blayne: Home for the holidays and lookin' for love! She's not my type, though. Girls really gotta have something to go with me.
Xander: Something like a lobotomy?

Xander: Babes!
Buffy: What are you doing?
Xander: Work with me here. Blayne had the nerve to question my manliness. I'm just gonna give him a visual.
Willow: We'll show him!

Willow: That must be Angel! I think?
Xander: That weird guy that warned her about all the vampires?
Willow: That's him, I'll bet you.
Xander: Well, he's buff! She never said anything about him being buff!
Willow: You think he's buff?
Xander: He's a very attractive man! How come that never came up?

Buffy: I'd say it's nice to see you, but then we both know that's a big fib.
Angel: I won't be long.
Buffy: No, you'll just give me a cryptic warning about some exciting new catastrophe, and then disappear into the night. Right?
Angel: You're cold.
Buffy: You can take it.
Angel: I mean, you look cold.

Xander: Oh, right! Give her your jacket. It's a balmy night, no one needs to be trading clothing out there!

Buffy: What happened?
Angel: I didn't pay attention.
Buffy: To somebody with a big fork?
Angel: He's coming.
Buffy: The Fork Guy?
Angel: Don't let him corner you. Don't give him a moment's mercy. He'll rip your throat out.
Buffy: Okay, I'll give you improved marks for that one. Ripping a throat out, it's a strong visual, it's not cryptic!
Angel: I have to go.
Buffy: Sweet dreams to you, too.

Giles: That's all he said? Fork Guy?
Buffy: That's all Cryptic Guy said: Fork Guy.
Giles: I think there are too many 'guys' in your life.

Giles: God, every day here is the same.
Buffy: Bright, sunny, beautiful, how ever can we escape this torment?
Giles: Really.

Natalie: Could you help me?
Xander: Uuuuuuhhhhhh... Yes!
Natalie: I'm looking for Science... 109.
Xander: Oh! It's, um... I go there every day! Oh, God, where is it?

Xander: It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.

Buffy: Hot dog surprise. Be still, my heart.
Willow: Call me old-fashioned, I don't want any more surprises in my hot dogs.

Xander: I wonder what she sees in me? It's probably the quiet good looks coupled with a certain smoky magnetism. Miss French. You two're probably a little young to understand what an older woman would see in a younger man.
Buffy: Oh, I understand.
Xander: Good!
Buffy: The younger man is too dumb to wonder why an older woman can't find someone her own age, and too desperate to care about the surgical improvements!
Xander: What surgical improvements?
Willow: Well, he is young.
Buffy: And so terribly innocent!
Xander: Hey, those that can, do. Those that can't laugh at those who... can do.

Buffy: Fork Guy doesn't do heads.
Giles: Not historically.
Buffy: And Dr. Gregory's blood wasn't drained.
Xander: So there's something else out there? Besides Silverwareman? Oh, this is fun, we're on Monster Island.

Giles: You went hunting last night.
Buffy: Yes.
Giles: When you assured me you wouldn't.
Buffy: Yes, I lied, I'm a bad person, let's move on.

Buffy: Do you know Miss French, the teacher that's subbing for Dr. Gregory?
Giles: Yes. Yes, she's lovely. In a, a common, extremely well proportioned way.
Buffy: Well, I'm chasing Claw Guy last night, and Miss Well Proportioned is heading home. The Claw Guy takes one look at her and runs screaming for cover.
Giles: He what? Ran away?
Buffy: He was petrified.
Giles: Of Miss French?
Buffy: Uh-huh! So I'm an undead monster that can shave with my hand... How many things am I afraid of?
Giles: Not many. And not substitute teachers, as a rule.

Mr. Flutie: Don't say dead! Or decapitated, or decomposing, I'd stay away from D-words altogether. But you witnessed the event, so this way, please.
Buffy: Well, no, I'm gonna be late for biology...
Mr. Flutie: Extremely late! You have to see a counselor. Everyone who saw the body has to see a crisis counselor.
Buffy: But I really don't need...
Mr. Flutie: We all need help with our feelings. Otherwise we bottle them up, and before you know it, powerful laxatives are involved. I really believe if we all reach out to one another we can beat this thing. I'm always here if you need a hug, but not a real hug! Because there's no touching, this school is sensitive to wrong touching.

Cordelia: I don't know what to say, it was really, I mean, one minute you're in your normal life, and then who's in the fridge? It really gets to you, a thing like that. It was... let's just say I haven't been able to eat a thing since yesterday. I think I lost, like, seven and a half ounces? Way swifter than that so-called diet that quack put me on. Oh, I'm not saying that we should kill a teacher every day just so I can lose weight, I'm just saying when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side. You know?

Buffy: No, I'm not saying she craned her neck. We are talking full-on Exorcist twist.
Willow: Ouch!

Natalie: Oh, Xander! I've done something really stupid. I hope you can forgive me.
Xander: Oh, forgiveness is my middle name! Well, actually it's LaVelle, and I'd appreciate it if you guard that secret with your life.

Buffy: Dig this: 'The praying mantis can rotate its head 180 degrees while waiting for its next meal to walk by.' Ha! Well, c'mon, guys. Ha!
Willow: Well, Miss French is sort of big. For a bug?
Giles: And she is, by and large, woman shaped.
Buffy: Okay. Factoid 1: Only the praying mantis can rotate its head like that. Factoid 2: A pretty whacked-out vampire is scared to death of her. Factoid 3: Her fashion sense screams predator.
Willow: It's the shoulder pads.
Buffy: Exactly.

Willow: Buffy, 911! Blayne's mom called the school. He never came home last night.
Giles: The boy who worked with Miss French yesterday?
Willow: Yeah! If Miss French is responsible for... Xander's supposed to be helping her right now! He's got a crush on a giant insect!

Giles: Um, this computer invasion that Willow's performing on the coroner's office, one, one assumes it is entirely legal?
Willow: Entirely!
Buffy: Of course!
Giles: Right. Wasn't here, didn't see it, couldn't have stopped you.
Buffy: Good idea.

Xander: It doesn't sound weird at all, I completely understand. I've met someone, and you're jealous.
Buffy: What?
Xander: Look, there's nothing I can do about it. Uh, there's just this certain chemical thing between Miss French and me.
Buffy: I know, I read all about it, it's call, um, a pheromone. It's a chemical attractant that insects give off.
Xander: She's not an insect! She's a woman, okay? And hard as that may be for you to conceive, an actual woman finds me attractive. I realize it's no mystery guy handing out leather jackets, and while we're on the subject, what kind of a girlie name is 'Angel' anyway?

Natalie: I just need to relax a little, I'm kinda nervous around you. You're probably cool as a cucumber!
Xander: I like cucumbers. Like in that Greek salad thing with the yogurt. Do you like Greek food? I'm exempting Schwarma, of course, I mean, what's that all about? It's a big meat hive.

Natalie: Have you ever been with a woman before?
Xander: You mean, like, in, uh, the same room?
Natalie: You know what I mean.
Xander: Oh, that, uh... Well, let me think. Um... Yeah, there was, uh... several! I mean, and, uh, quite a few times... And then there was, uh... Oh, she was incredibly... No. Uh-uh.

Giles: Frankly, madam, I haven't the faintest idea what time it is, nor do I care. Now, unlock his cell, unstrap him, and bring him to the telephone immediately. This is a matter of life and death!

Buffy: Huh! It's the way they feed, head first. It's also the way they mate. The female bites off the male's head while they're...
Willow: No, no, no! See? Xander's, I like his head! I-it's where you find his eyes, and his hair, and his adorable smile...

Giles: I-I understand, Carlyle. Yes... I-I'll take every precaution. Uh, absolutely, i-i-it sounds exactly like the creature you described. Y-you were right all along about everything. Well, n-no, you weren't right about your mother coming back as a Pekinese, but... uh... Try to rest, old man. Yes... Ta! Bye now!

Giles: Dr. Ferris Carlyle spent years transcribing a lost pre-Germanic language. What he discovered he kept to himself until several teenage boys were murdered in the Cotswolds. Then he went hunting for it.
Buffy: It being...
Giles: Uh, he calls her a She-Mantis. This type of creature, the Kleptes-Virgo, or, or virgin-thief, appears in, in many cultures. The Greek sirens, the Celtic sea maidens, who, who tore the living flesh from the bones of, um...
Buffy: Giles, while we're young!
Giles: Uh, well, basically the, uh, the She-Mantis assumes the form of a beautiful woman and then lures innocent virgins back to her nest.
Buffy: Virgins? Well, Xander's not a, uh... I mean, he's probably...
Willow: ...gonna die!

Giles: Where am I gonna find the...
Buffy: In the vid library? There're no books, but it's dark and musty, you'll feel right at home, go!

Xander: Can I just say one thing? HEEEELLLLP! HEEEELLLLP!

Xander: Just for the record, you were right, I'm an idiot, and God bless you!

Willow: I'm really glad you're okay. It's so unfair how she only went after virgins.
Xander: What?
Willow: I mean, here you guys are, doing the right thing, the smart thing, when a lot of other boys your age...
Blayne: Flag down on that play, babe. I am not...
Giles: Well, you see, that's the She-Mantis' modus operandi. Uh, she only preys on the pure.
Xander: Well, isn't this a perfect ending to a wonderful day!
Blayne: My dad's a lawyer. Anyone repeats this to anybody, they're gonna find themselves facing a lawsuit.
Xander: Blayne! Shut up!
Willow: I don't think it's bad, I think it's really... sweet! It's certainly nothing I'll ever bring up again.

Angel: I heard a rumor there was, uh, one less vampire walking around making a nuisance of himself.
Buffy: There is. Guess I should thank you for the tip.
Angel: Pleasure's mine.
Buffy: Course, it would make things easier if I knew how to get in touch with you.
Angel: I'll be around.
Buffy: Or who you were? Well... Anyway, you can have your jacket back.
Angel: It looks better on you.