Andrew: Oh, hello, there, gentle viewers. You caught me catching up on an old favorite. It's wonderful to get lost in a story, isn't it? Adventure and heroics and discovery — don't they just take you away? Come with me now, if you will, gentle viewers. Join me on a new voyage of the mind. A little tale I like to call: Buffy, Slayer of the Vampyrs.
It was cold last night, and the wind was crew-ell, but the Slayer had a job to do. Unfortunately, vampires have a job to do, too.
Ouch! My goodness! Things look bad for the Slayer, don't they? She didn't see that second vampire, concealed by cover of darkness, ready— (there's a knock at the door; Andrew ignores it) ready to attack and make her his own vampirical spawn.
Let's rejoin them now to see—
Anya: For God's sakes, Andrew. You've been in here for 30 minutes. What are you doing?
Andrew: Entertaining and educating.
Anya: Why can't you just masturbate like the rest of us?
Andrew: That was great. I completely got you dusting that guy on film. Hey, why do vampires show up on video?
Buffy: I told you I didn't want you doing that. It's distracting.
Andrew: OK, I'll cut the footage together and do the intro tomorrow. "She was a woman in danger, or was she?"
Buffy: Are you still filming me? Stop!
Andrew: But it's a valuable record. An important document for the ages. "A Slayer in action."
Buffy: "A nerd in pain." Would they like that? 'Cause we could do that.
Andrew: But the story needs to be told.
Anya: Birds need to fly, and girls need to use the toilet, and why were you video taping yourself, anyway? Sounds like kinky business to me.
Andrew: The world's gonna want to know about Buffy. It's a story of ultimate triumph tainted with the bitterness for what's been lost in the struggle. It's a legacy for future generations.
Anya: If there are any. Buffy seems to think that this apocalypse is going to actually be, you know, apocalyptic. I think your—your story seems pretty pointless.
Andrew: Oh, I was gonna interview you later today, 'cause, you know, your whole perspective on the whole thing. Give it editorial balance and, uh, glamour...
Anya: Oh, well balance is important. People don't always take that into account. I could bring that to you. Absolutely.
Andrew: Let's explore the world of our story, shall we? This—uh, Buffy lives in Sunnydale, California. Um, this is the local high school.
There's a hellmouth—hellmouth—underneath the high school. See, weird things happen on the hellmouth that attracts all sorts of, uh, bad people and demons and vampires. And now there's this thing in the basement of the high school called the-the seal of Danzal—Danzalthar, and it's sort of a door to the hellmouth. Uh, due to some circumstances it got opened up... a little bit... recently... uh, and this, uh, nasty, nasty vampire thing came out of it. It was, uh, it was just awful, awful. This whole thing— whole thing—is being orchestrated by something called "The First". It's made up of all the evil in the whole world. Oh, there's also these guys. They work for the First. We don't know much about them except that they're very ugly and they're very mobile for blind people. Is that all clear?
Andrew: It's morning in Sunnydale, and the women of command central take the time to fortify themselves for the day ahead.
Andrew: Women and Xander. Hey, I'm gonna do your special intro later. "The man who is the heart of the slayer machine."
Xander: Yeah? The heart?
Andrew: Things are tense in command central this morning. Buffy is clearly concerned with some unknown danger, and the air is filled with foreboding.
Dawn: Oh, um, we're out of Raisin Bran.
Anya: I'll put it on the list.
Andrew: That's probably not the unknown danger.
Andrew: Full house. I think it's a good time to do some introductions, don't you, gentle viewers?
Amanda: I'm Amanda, and I grew up right here—
Andrew: Not you, sweetheart. Let's start from the top.
You've already met Buffy. She's beautiful, with a lion's heart and— and the face of an Angel. She's never afraid 'cause she knows her side will always win. Buffy and Spike have some kind of history — you can feel the heat between them. Although, technically, as a vampire, he's room temperature. Anya, a feisty waif with a firey temper and a vulnerable heart that she hides, even from herself. This lovely girl— I don't remember her name—
Buffy: Oh, for God's sake. Is he doing that again? Can't we make him stop?
Andrew: Honestly, gentle viewers, these motivating speeches of hers tend to get a little long. I'll take you back in there in—in a little while, but in the in-between time, I thought you might want to know a little about me, your humble host. You see, I am a man with a burden. A man with a dark past. You see, I was once a super villain.
Warren: What'll it do to Buffy?
Andrew: Make her super magnetic!
Jonathan: Wow, she won't be able to get out of her car.
Warren: And knives and other sharp things will fly at her.
Andrew: We could walk right by her, and she wouldn't be able to stop us.
Warren: Unless we were wearing metal belt buckles, then we would stick to her.
Andrew: In my plan, we are beltless.
Jonathan: Wow, you're the best, Andrew.
Warren: Yep, and good-looking and smart too.
Jonathan: Yeah, wow.
Andrew: Warren was cool. And wasn't Jonathan just the cutest thing? Well, shall we see if Buffy's still talking?
Buffy: I mean mentally. And from what I've seen so far, there's is no way your girls are ready. You have to...
Andrew: She's not done. Even Willow looks bored, and she usually can take a lot of that stuff. Look at her. Ooh, ooh, do you see that? That-that's important. Willow and Kennedy have been in kind of a bad place lately, but things are looking up. You see, Kennedy pursued the reluctant Willow and won her heart, only to find herself frightened when she glimpsed the darkness that still lies within the witch's mind. Side note—I once had my own personal encounter with Dark Willow.
Buffy: Ooh, you're hurt. What happened?
Robin: Someone threw a rock at me as I got out of my car. I didn't really get a good chance to see who.
Buffy: Yeah, well, it could have been any of them. Students, teachers—something is going on today.
Robin: Yes, well, um, that occurred to me as I ducked the other two rocks. Buffy, what the hell is this?
Robin: Slowly, I may be concussed here.
Buffy: There this thing that happens here, in this school, over the hell mouth. Where the way a thing feels—it kind of starts being that way... for real. I've seen all these things before... just not all at once.
Robin: So, what, it's like hell's a bustin' out all over?
Robin: So, what's the worst that can happen?
Buffy: War, pretty much.
Robin: Oh, I see you're being amusing now with comical exaggeration.
Buffy: Being in high school can feel like being at war. Now it's true. The students feel like the teachers are out to get them. The Chess Club resents the French Club for taking the activities room, and, well, everybody hates the cheerleaders. If we don't do something about this, we're gonna have a riot on our hands. And a lot of other nasty stuff too.
Andrew: Dawn is a typical American teenager. Bubbly and sweet with a hunger for fun and a smile that lights up the room.
Andrew: Dawn used to be a key. I don't really know what that means.
Robin: You've dealt with this before? I mean, you've seen stuff like this in a high school?
Buffy: Sure, you know, swim team monsters or killer prom dogs. Again, not all at once.
Robin: So, what makes now so special?
Buffy: My guess—it's that seal thing in the basement. It's like all the hellmouth's energy is trying to escape in that one little spot, and it's getting all—
Buffy: Careful. You're starting to speak like me now.
Andrew: This is Xander and Anya Interview Number 1 for "Buffy, a Slayer of the Vampyrs."
Anya: That's what you're calling it?
Andrew: Either that or "Buffy, the Slayer Who Knew No Fear."
Xander: I like that one.
Andrew: Thank you, Xander. That's sweet of you. I understand that exactly one year ago today you left Anya at the altar. Any comment on that?
Xander: Whoa. What the hell?
Andrew: I just think people will be interested.
Anya: I know I am. What do you have to say for yourself one year later?
Xander: I've apologized enough, that's what I have to say.
Andrew: But you think it was something that called for an apology?
Xander: Well, yes.
Andrew: So you don't think it was the right thing to do.
Anya: Of course he doesn't think it was the right thing to do.
Xander: It was the right thing to do.
Andrew: Interesting. I think we're getting something here.
Xander: Look, Anya, if I had married you, it would have been against everything I thought was best. It wouldn't have worked.
Anya: But we—we still spark. I mean, I get jealous of you. You get jealous of me. You still love me.
Andrew: Is that true, Xander? Do you still love her?
Buffy: It's more than that. Look, Robin, I, um, I had a vision the other day.
Robin: You have visions?
Robin: Oh. Well, how do you know that they're not just dreams?
Buffy: You're running to catch the bus naked? That's a dream. Army of vicious vampire creatures? That's a vision. Also, I was awake.
Robin: A bus to where? I mean, an army of how many?
Buffy: Hundreds. Maybe hundreds of hundreds. All I know is the last UberVamp I faced crawled out of that very hole. It makes me awfully nervous.
Spike: I thought I told you to piss off with this bloody camera, yet here you are again with that thing in my face. Would you sod off before I rip your throat out and eat—
Andrew: OK, Spike. The light was kind of behind you.
Spike: Oh, right. Uh, what? Is this better then? I thought I told you to piss off with this bloody camera, yet here you are again with that thing in my face. Would you sod off—?
Anya: You keep dodging the question.
Xander: I don't mean to. It's just—you know how I feel, right? And you were the one who didn't want to keep seeing each other.
Anya: And here's where we hop on the merry-go-round of rotating knives. I blame you, and you blame me, and we both end up all cut to shreds. Please just tell— Do you still love me?
Xander: Yes. I still love you. I always will. I just don't know if that means anything for us anymore.
Anya: Well, I love you too. I don't know if that means anything either.
Xander: Well, it's nice to hear. I'm not gonna find anyone out there like you, am I?
Anya: Doesn't seem likely.
Xander: I guess I'm more replaceable, obviously.
Anya: No. There's no one like you, Xander. You were willing to stand up to danger, even when your hands had no weapons. You were ready to protect me with your life.
Xander: Yeah, I guess we fit together pretty good.
Anya: We fit together great.
Xander: You know, sometimes, I want to be back in your life.
Anya: I hope you know you never left my heart.
Andrew: We're fugitives, haunted by our past, tormented by a message we don't understand.
Jonathan: We're hunted men, driven mad by forces beyond our understanding.
Andrew: We're men of hidden power, tortured from within by-by a voice from out of nowhere.
Jonathan: I don't deserve this. I wasn't even that evil.
Andrew: I thought you were evil.
Andrew: Sure. I respected your ideas for evil projects, and I thought you had good follow-through.
Jonathan: Oh, well, thanks. It's nice that you noticed.
Robin: Tell us about the seal.
Andrew: But it tickles, and I'm all tense. Can't I have a cool, refreshing Zima?
Buffy: No Zima.
Spike: Shut your face about the Zima. Just talk.
Andrew: Pretty knife, except the, uh, the stabbing—I don't—I don't think I can do it. Jonathan has been a good friend to me here in Mehico. He said he'll buy me a burro.
Warren/The First: Oh, you can stab him. It's all part of the plan. That boy's blood is a powerful tribute. It's a—it's a gift to something very big, very important, and ultimately, won't even hurt him. We get a reward. You and me and him too.
Andrew: We live as gods.
Warren/The First: That's right, man. The trio. Living as gods.
Willow: He said the First said something about words. "Drive the words deep into him."
Andrew: There was some carving on the blade. I just thought it was a pattern.
Kennedy: Found it.
Willow: OK, you're Mr. Demon-Summoner. How are you with demon languages?
Andrew: Whoa, you were right. It's in Tawarick. It's, uh, like proto-Tawarick. It's really, really old.
Kennedy: But, what's the big?
Robin: We never knew anything about this seal. Now, we know this knife and this language are connected to it somehow.
Willow: Andrew, do you speak Tawarick?
Andrew: Yeah, I'm OK with it. It says, "The blood which I spill, I consecrate to the oldest evil."
Buffy: Guess what, Andy. You just won yourself a free vacation to the beautiful downtown hellmouth.
Spike: So he can do what? Yell at it in its own language?
Robin: What? I—I'm not following.
Buffy: Look, we have to deal with the seal right away. We already might have to just shut the school down, and I'm not losing any more territory to the First. Besides, it's the only thing we've got.
Willow: The seal responds to this language somehow, or-or the First wouldn't have needed this knife. Andrew knows the language, can really talk to it, maybe give it commands.
Andrew: Check out Spike and the Principal. There's something going on there. Sexual tension you could cut with a knife.
Buffy: Be quiet! I don't want a biographer, especially a murderer.
Andrew: Yeah, well, see, about that—we just keep tossing that word around, but that's not really what happened.
Buffy: What? You stabbed Jonathan to death. What were you trying to do? Scratch his back from the front?
Andrew: It was confusing. Jonathan and I were digging, but Warren was there, and only I could see him—
Xander: That was nice.
Anya: Certainly was, you carpenter you.
Xander: It's too bad Buffy took Spike's chains down, huh?
Anya: You said it.
Xander: Mmm, I feel good.
Anya: Well, yeah. I'm a spitfire in the bedroom.
Xander: Yeah, I knew we'd always do that again.
Anya: Yeah, one more time anyway.
Xander: Is that what that was? One more time?
Anya: Do you think there should be more?
Xander: I don't know. It was nice. It felt, um—it felt like a one more time.
Anya: I think maybe we're really over. Which is—it's good, right? I mean, now we can move on.
Buffy: Doesn't really make sense, does it? Bringing you here to talk to it. This thing doesn't understand words, it understands blood.
Andrew: Blood opens it. You don't want to open it. Opening it would be bad.
Buffy: Yeah, Willow did a little research. Turns out, the blood of the person that awoke it—you—different kind of deal. It reverses the whole thing.
Andrew: So, how much blood... are you gonna—
Buffy: I don't know. Maybe not enough to kill you.
Andrew: So, this is my redemption at last? I buy back my bruised soul with the blood of my heart. But-but not enough to kill—
Buffy: Stop! Stop telling stories. Life isn't a story.
Andrew: Sorry. Sorry.
Buffy: Shut up. You always do this. You make everything into a story so no one's responsible for anything because they're just following a script.
Andrew: Please don't kill me. Warren said Jonathan would be OK. I trusted him, and I lost my friend.
Buffy: You didn't lose him. You murdered him.
Andrew: I know, but you don't need to kill me. You said we could all get through this.
Buffy: I made it up. I'm making it all up. What kind of hero does that make me?
Andrew: No, you're doing great. Really. Kudos.
Buffy: Yeah? Well, I don't like having to give a bunch of speeches about how we're all gonna live, because we won't. This isn't some story where good triumphs because good triumphs. Good people are going to die! Girls. Maybe me. Probably you. Probably right now.
Buffy: When your blood pours out, it might save the world. What do you think about that? Does it buy it all back? Are you redeemed?
Buffy: Why not?
Andrew: Because I killed him. Because I listened to Warren, and I pretended I thought it was him, but I knew—I knew it wasn't. And I killed Jonathan. And now you're gonna kill me. And I'm scared, and I'm going to die. And this—this is what Jonathan felt... It stopped.
Buffy: Didn't want blood. It wanted tears.