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Some Assembly Required Quotes
Some Assembly Required Quotes

Buffy: C'mon, Stephan, rise and shine. Some of us have a ton of trig homework waiting.
Angel: Hey. Is this a bad time?
Buffy: Are you crazy? You don't just sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when you walk. You stomp or... yodel.

Angel: I just thought you'd have somebody with you. Xander or someone.
Buffy: Xander.
Angel: Or someone.
Buffy: Nope. Why? Are you jealous?
Angel: Of Xander? Please. He's just a kid.
Buffy: Is it 'cause I danced with him?
Angel: 'Danced with' is a pretty loose term. 'Mated with' might be a little closer.
Buffy: Don't you think you're being a little unfair? It was one little dance, which I only did to make you crazy, by the way. Behold my success.
Angel: I am not jealous.
Buffy: You're not jealous? What, vampires don't get jealous?
Angel: See? Whenever we fight you always bring up the vampire thing.
Buffy: Well, I didn't come here to fight. Oh, right, I did.

Giles: W-w-w-what I'm proposing is, um... and I-I don't mean to appear indecorous, is, is, um, a, a-a-a social engagement, um, a, a, a, a-a date, if you're amenable... You idiot!
Buffy: Boy... I guess we never realized how much you like that chair.
Giles: I-I-I was just working on...
Buffy: Your pickup lines?
Giles: Um, in a manner of speaking, yes.
Buffy: Then if you wouldn't mind a little Gene and Roger, you might wanna leave off the 'idiot' part. Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood.
Xander: Hmm, it actually kinda turns me on.
Buffy: I fear you. You also might wanna avoid words like 'amenable' and 'indecorous', y'know. Speak English, not whatever they speak in, um...
Giles: England?
Buffy: Yeah. You just say, 'Hey, I got a thing, you maybe have a thing, maybe we could have a thing.'
Giles: Oh, thank you, Cyrano.

Xander: So this chair-woman. We are talking Ms. Calendar, right?
Giles: W-what makes you think that?
Xander: Simple deduction. Ms. Calendar is reasonably dollsome, especially for someone in your age bracket. She already knows that you're a school librarian, so you don't have to worry about how to break that embarrassing news to her.
Buffy: And she's the only woman we've actually ever seen speak to you. Add it all up and it all spells 'duh'.
Xander: Now, is it time to have a talk about the facts of life?
Giles: You know, I'm suddenly deciding this is none of your business.
Xander: Y'know, because that whole stork thing is a smoke screen.

Buffy: There's something else, though. We found an empty grave.
Giles: Another vampire?
Buffy: No. No, this one was dug up and the body was taken out.
Giles: Grave robbing? That's new. Interesting.
Buffy: I know you meant to say gross and disturbing.
Giles: Yes, yes, yes of course. Uh, terrible thing. Must, must put a stop to it. Damn it.

Willow: 'Cause every year you win and I place second, so I just thought I'd see what I'm up against.
Chris: You know what the key is? If Dr. Clark doesn't understand your experiment he gives you higher marks so it looks like he understands your experiment. 'The Effects of Sub-Violet Light Spectrum Deprivation on the Development of Fruit Flies'? That should do the trick.
Cordelia: Okay, I'm doing this under protest. It is not fair that they're making participation in this year's science fair mandatory. I don't think anyone should have to do anything educational in school if they don't want to.
Willow: 'The Tomato: Fruit or Vegetable'?
Cordelia: I wanted to do something I could finish in a weekend, alright?

Cordelia: Hi. Sorry to interrupt your little undead playgroup, but I need to ask Willow if she'll help me with my science fair project.
Willow: It's a fruit.

Cordelia: Hello! Can we deal with my pain, please?
Giles: There, there.

Willow: It says that Meredith and two other girls in the car were killed instantly. They were all on the Fondren High Pep Squad, on the way to a game.
Buffy: You know what this means.
Xander: That Fondren might actually beat Sunnydale in the cross-town body count competition this year?
Buffy: She wasn't killed by vampires. Somebody did dig up her corpse.
Cordelia: Eww! Why is it that every conversation you people have has the word 'corpse' in it?

Xander: So, we dig up some graves tonight?
Willow: Oh, boy! A field trip! Are you gonna call Angel?
Buffy: I don't think so.
Xander: Yeah, why bother him, huh?
Buffy: Angel and I have been, um... Never mind. As far as Angel's concerned, I'm taking the night off, okay?
Xander: So, we're set then. Say, nineish? BYO shovel?
Willow: And I'll pack some food. Who else likes those little powdered doughnuts?
Xander: Me.
Willow: Cordelia?
Cordelia: Darn, I have cheerleader practice tonight. Boy, I wish I knew we were gonna be digging up dead people sooner. I would've canceled.
Xander: Alright, but if you come across the army of zombies, can you page us before they eat your flesh?
Giles: Xander?
Xander: Huh?
Giles: Zombies don't eat the flesh of the living.
Xander: Yeah, I knew that. But did you see the look on her face?

Buffy: I couldn't believe Angel. He was acting all jealous, and he wouldn't even admit it.
Willow: Jealous of what?
Buffy: Of Xander.
Willow: Because you did that sexy dance with him?
Buffy: Am I ever gonna live that down?
Willow: No.
Buffy: Anyway, he was being totally irrational.
Willow: Love makes you do the wacky.
Buffy: That's the truth.
Xander: Y'know, this might go a lot faster if you femmes actually picked up a shovel, too.
Giles: Here, here.
Buffy: Sorry, but I'm an old-fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.

Buffy: Was he a studly?
Willow: Big time. All of the girls were crazy for him.
Buffy: And he broke Cordy's heart? Thus possibly proving its existence.

Giles: I think we're there.
Willow: By the way, are we hoping to find a body, or no body?
Xander: Call me an optimist, but I'm hoping to find a fortune in gold doubloons.
Giles: Um, body would mean flesh-eating demon, no body would point towards the, uh, army of zombies thing. Take your pick, really. Right, then, uh... Go on.
Xander: You're closer.
Buffy: Pathetic much? Move over.

Xander: So, both coffins are empty. That makes three girls signed up for the army of zombies.
Willow: Is it an army if you just have three?
Buffy: Zombie drill team then.

Angel: I thought you were takin' the night off.
Buffy: I, I was, um, but something came up.
Angel: Cordelia told me the truth.
Xander: That's gotta be a first.

Cordelia: It was horrible. Angel saved me from an arm. God, there were so many parts, they were everywhere. Why are these terrible things always happening to me?
Xander: Karma!

Buffy: I don't get it. Why go to all the trouble to dig up three girls only to chop them up and throw them away? It doesn't make any sense. Especially from a time management standpoint.
Angel: Well, what I saw didn't add up to three whole girls. I think they kept some parts.
Buffy: Could this get yuckier?
Willow: They probably kept the other parts to eat.
Buffy: Question answered.

Angel: This was no hatchet job. Whoever made those incisions really knew what they were doing.
Giles: Yes, really. What student here is gonna be that well versed in physiology?
Willow: Well, I can think of five or six guys in the science club. And me.
Xander: So, Will, come clean. Promise to never do it again, and we'll call it a night. He joked!

Giles: You understand, in my capacity as school official, this search is completely unauthorized, and I, I cannot condone it.
Buffy: Fine, your butt's covered. Wanna grab a locker?
Giles: Uh, yes, yes, of course.

Xander: Any sign of our suspects?
Buffy: Not yet. I don't get it. Why would anybody wanna make a girl?
Xander: You mean when there's so many pre-made ones just laying around? The things we do for love.
Buffy: Love has nothing to do with this.
Xander: Maybe not, but I'll tell you this: people don't fall in love with what's right in front of them. People want the dream. What they can't have. The more unattainable, the more attractive.

Xander: And speaking of love...
Willow: We were talking about the re-animation of dead tissue.
Xander: Do I deconstruct your segues?

Buffy: Okay, Giles, just remember, 'I feel a thing, you feel a thing...' But personalize it.
Giles: Personalize it?
Buffy: She's a technopagan, right? Ask her to bless your laptop. Have fun.
Giles: What? Oh! Don't...
Xander: Best of luck.
Giles: ...leave?

Giles: Uh, Ms. Calendar?
Jenny: Oh, no, please call me Jenny. Ms. Calendar's my father.
Giles: Jenny, then. You know, uh, Jenny, um...
Jenny: Hmm?
Giles: Would it a-appear indecorous... Uh, no, not in-in-indecorous, um...
Jenny: Yeah...?
Giles: Well, um... Wha... Ah, ah, um...
Jenny: Rupert, look, I've gotta get inside and set up the lab.
Giles: What, what I'm proposing is...
Jenny: Ah! I gotta go! Sorry!
Giles: You idiot!

Giles: Game? Oh, uh, you're going to the football game?
Jenny: Yeah, you seem surprised.
Giles: No! No, I-I-I-I-I-I just assumed that you, you, you spent your evenings downloading incantations and, and, and casting bones.
Jenny: On game night? Are you nuts? You're going, too, right?
Giles: Oh, of course. Always, always do.
Jenny: So, we should just go together! Look, I could pick you up after school, and we'll grab a bite to eat on the way if you like. How do you feel about Mexican? Good! Okay! And whatever it is you wanna tell me, you can just tell me then. Okay?
Giles: Okay! Tonight, then. That went well. I think.

Willow: I still don't get how Chris could do it. I mean, arresting the cell deterioration is one thing, but...
Xander: Hello! I wanna get ahead.
Willow: Maybe an electrical current combined with an adrenaline boost.
Xander: For the love of God, can somebody scratch my nose?

Cordelia: Oh my God, Buffy!
Buffy: Don't worry, he's gone.
Cordelia: I was on my way down to the field when Chris came in, and all of a sudden someone jumped me.
Buffy: Shh! Quiet down. Relax. Take it easy.
Cordelia: That's the fight song. Oh my God, it's time for the cheerleader pyramid at mid-field. I've gotta go.
Buffy: Well, are you sure you're okay to go out there?
Cordelia: Yeah, you don't understand, I have to go. I'm the apex!

Jenny: I don't know what it is about football that does it for me. I mean, it lacks the, the grace of basketball, the, uh, poetry of baseball. At its best it's unadorned aggression. It's such a rugged contest.
Giles: Rugged. American football.
Jenny: And that's funny because?
Giles: I just think it's rather odd that a nation that prides itself on its virility should feel compelled to strap on forty pounds of protective gear just in order to play rugby.
Jenny: Is this your normal strategy for a first date? Dissing my country's national pastime?
Giles: Did you just say 'date'?
Jenny: You noticed that, huh?

Giles: Sorry about all this.
Jenny: It's okay. Although a good rule of thumb for a first date is don't do anything so exciting that it'll be hard to top on the second date.
Giles: Believe it or not, since I've moved here to live on top of the Hellmouth, the events of this evening actually qualify as a slow night. Did you just say 'second date'?
Jenny: You noticed that, huh?

Xander: Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. Vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me. You ever think that the world is a giant game of musical chairs, and the music's stopped and we're the only ones who don't have a chair?
Willow: All the time.
Cordelia: Xander? I just wanted to thank you for saving my life. What you did in there was really brave and heroic, and I just wanted to tell you if there was anything that I could ever do to...
Xander: Do you mind? We're talking here. So where were we?
Willow: Wondering why we never get dates.
Xander: Yeah, so why do you think that is?

Buffy: God, the whole thing was so creepy. Well, at the same time, I mean... he did do it all for his brother.
Angel: Sounds like he took it a little over the edge.
Buffy: Love makes you do the wacky.
Angel: What?
Buffy: Crazy stuff.
Angel: Oh. Crazy, like a two-hundred-and-forty-one-year-old being jealous of a high school junior?
Buffy: Are you fessing up?
Angel: I've thought about it. Maybe it bothers me a little.
Buffy: I don't love Xander.
Angel: Yeah, but he's in your life. He gets to be there when I can't. Take your classes, eat your meals, hear your jokes and complaints. He gets to see you in the sunlight.
Buffy: I don't look that good in direct light.
Angel: It'll be morning soon.
Buffy: I should probably go. I could walk you home.

The Usual
The Usual

Random Quotage:

This is just too much. I mean, yesterday my life's like, 'Uh-oh, pop quiz.' Today it's 'Rain of Toads'.
-Xander (The Harvest)

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