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Quotable BtVS: Season Four
Quotable BtVS: Season Four

A New Man

Giles: "Sorry I, uh, one time I, uh, I was up to a little bit of a prank with the dart board--"
Anya: "I'm bored. Let's eat."
Xander: "Anya, we've talked about this."
Anya: "I'm sorry, that was rude. Please continue your story. Hopefully it involves treacle and a headmaster."
Giles: "Go and eat."

Xander: "That's my radio!"
Spike: "And you're what? Shocked and disappointed? I'm evil!"

Xander: "Out! Before I get the Slayer over here to kick your ass out!"
Spike: "Don't know why she didn't come. Say good-bye, shed a few tears."
Xander: "Well, she has an appointment with somebody who's actually still scary!"

Prof. Walsh: "Now I understand your energies were directed in the same places as ours, in fact. It's only our methods that differ. We use the latest in scientific technology and state-of-the-art weaponry and you, if I understand correctly, poke them with a sharp stick."
Buffy: "Well, it's more effective than it sounds."

Riley: "Buffy. When I saw you stop the world from, you know, ending . . . I just assumed that was a big week for you. Turns out I suddenly find myself . . . needing to know the plural of 'apocalypse.'"

Ethan: "I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say that at all. In fact, Ripper, old mate, I'd say something rather interesting was about to hap--"
Giles: "Did someone--?"
Ethan: "Oh, bugger! I thought you'd gone!"

Giles: "You know what gets me? This is what gets me. Twenty years I've been fighting demons. Maggie Walsh and her Nancy-ninja boys come in and six months later, demons are pissing themselves with fear. They never even noticed me."
Ethan: "Who's Maggie Walsh?"
Giles: "Oh, she's awful. She said I was an absent male role model. Absent my ass. I'm twice the man she is."

Giles: "The world has past us by. Someone snuck in and left us a couple of has-beens in our place. This Initiative, I mean, their methods may be causing problems, but they're getting the job done. Where am I? I'm an unemployed librarian with a tendency to get knocked on the head."
Ethan: "Well, we won't have to worry about that anymore now, mate. When you went to the loo I slipped a small pellet of poison in your drink. You'll be dead in an hour. . . Just kidding!"

Buffy: "I like pancakes 'cause they're stackable. Ooo, and waffles 'cause you can put things in the little holes if you wanted to."
Willow: "You should always have a new boyfriend. You're so much fun right now."

Spike: "And . . . by the way, why the hell are you suddenly a Fyarl demon? You just come over all demony this morning?"
Giles: "As a matter of fact, I did. Thanks to Ethan Rayne. You have to help me find him. He must undo this and then he needs a . . . good being killed."
Spike: "And I'm just supposed to help you out of the evilness of my heart?"
Giles: "Y-you help me and I-I don't kill you."
Spike: "Oh, tremendously convincing. Try it again without the stutter."
Giles: "Money. I could pay you money."
Spike: "Oh, I like money. How much?"
Giles: "A h-hundred dollars."
Spike: "A hundred dollars? You'll have to do a lot better than that. Two-hundred."
Giles: "Fine."
Spike: "Right, then."

Giles: "If you can't find third gear, don't try for third gear!"
Spike: "I'm doing my best. I don't know if I'm driving this thing or wearing it."
Giles: "It's perfectly serviceable."

Giles: "No. Listen, about this Fyarl demon. Do-do I have special powers? Like setting things on fire with my sizzling eye beams?"
Spike: "Well, you got the mucous thing."
Giles: "What? Mucous?"
Spike: "Paralyzing mucous. Shoots out through the nose. Sets on fast. Hard as a rock. Pretty good in a fight."
Giles: "Are you making this up?"
Spike: "Maybe. But hey, you feel a sneeze coming on, you warn me."

Riley: "The demon attacked Professor Walsh. Got out of a small, gray car. A Citroen."
Willow: "It stole Giles' car."
Xander: "Why would a demon steal a car?"
Anya: "Why would a demon steal that car?"

Ethan: "I really got to learn to just do the damage and get out of town. It's the 'stay and gloat' that gets me every time."

Giles: "Buffy, I don't want to ask you to betray any confidences, and I certainly don't want to interfere--"
Buffy: "Uh-oh, you have 'but-face.' You look like you're gonna say 'but.'"
Giles: "But... this, um, Initiative, I'm-I'm a little concerned. Ethan's not exactly a reliable source but, um... I'm not sure that he's wrong about them."

^ take me up ^

The I in Team

Willow: "I implore you, Neisa, blessed goddess of chance and fortune, heed my call.  Send to me the heart I desire."
Xander: "You know, magic at the poker table qualifies as cheating."
Willow: "That wasn't magic.  I was praying.  Two please."

Xander: "You are looking at the new local distributor for Boost Bars. 'The natural food bar that provides a nutritional energy boost for active, health-conscience people.'  Want one?"
Willow: "No.  Thanks.  Those things usually taste . . kind of tasteless.  And then leave a bad after-tastelessness."
Xander: "Well, don't let the healthy scare you. Check out these ingredients.  See?  Loaded with fatty goodness."

Buffy: "Will, I think you better get used to-- a Twinkie!? That's his lunch?  Oh, he is so gonna be punished."
Willow: "Everyone's getting spanked but me."
Buffy: "What?"
Willow: "Uh, nothing."

Spike: "Hey!  Wipe your feet when you enter a person's home."
Giles: "Oh, yes.  Careless of me.  Tracking mud all over your, uh . . . mud."
Spike: "I admit, it's a bit of a fixer-upper.  Needs a woman's touch. Care to have a crack at it?"
Giles: "While I'd loved to go on trading jabs with you, Spike, perhaps I'll come to the point.  As much as it pains me to say it, um, I owe you a debt of gratitude for the help you provided me in my recent . . . metamorphosis."
Spike: "Stuff the gratitude.  You owe me more than that, mate."
Giles: "Three-hundred.  Count it if you'd... like."
Spike: "I'll do that."

Walsh: "Your visitor's pass. And I've assembled some reading material to bring you up to speed."
Buffy: "Oh.  And I thought I was never gonna get homework from you again."
Walsh: "You can't take that home.  That's classified material.  Highly sensitive. When you're through reading those pages you'll have to eat them."
Riley: "She's joking."
Walsh: "Don't worry, it doesn't happen very often.  Shall we?"

Anya: "Xander.  You haven't been paying any attention to me, tonight.  Just peddling those process food breaks.  I don't know why."
Xander: "Well, let me put it in a way you'll understand.  Sell bars.  Make money.  Take Anya nice places.  Buy pretty things."
Anya: "That does make sense.  All right, I support you.  Go sell more."

Walsh: "They do have keen eyesight, however.  You might want to be suited up for this."
Buffy: "Oh. You mean the cammo and stuff?  I thought about it but, I mean, it's gonna look all 'Private Benjamin.' Don't worry I've patrolled in this halter many times."

Forrest: "It just isn't right."
Graham: "He made you team leader, didn't he?"
Forrest: "That's not the point.  I've always been Riley's second in command.  Instead he picks a girl."
Graham: "His girl."
Forrest: "Whatever!  Three guesses on what that boy is thinking with."
Graham: "Maybe he just wanted to give you a chance to get out from under his shadow?"
Forrest: "Hey!  I'm not under anybody's shadow."
Graham: "It was a joke, man.  Don't get your panties in a bunch."

Giles: "I don't know how many more ways I can say 'I'm not interested.'"
Xander: "W-- try one!  Check these flavors.  Cherry-berry.  Maple walnut.  Ooo, almond licorice.
Anya: Ew."
Xander: "Anya, we don't say 'ew' in front of potential customers."
Anya: "Just skip this part and tell him you want money to buy me pretty things.  He'll understand."
Giles: "Very well.  Hmm, maple walnut."
Xander: "An excellent choice."
Giles: "Please leave my home now."
Xander: "It's the, uh, the gritty texture, isn't it?  Maybe you're more a cherry-berry fellow."

Spike: "Close the door!"
Xander: "Spike?  You may want to give up these morning jogs."
Spike: "Soldiers boys are out in force.  I've been trying to keep them off my scent.  Run them in circles.  But they keep coming."
Giles: "And . . . how is this our concern?  Seeing as how you've expressed the desire to have nothing more to do with us."
Xander: "Spike said that?"
Giles: "Mm-hmm."
Xander: "...That hurts."

Giles: "Some sort of... illumination emanating from it.  It's blinking."
Spike: "I don't care if it's playing 'Rockin' the Casbah' on the bloody Jew's harp, just get it out of me!"
Giles: "Anya, there's a bottle of Cognac in the cabinet next to the sink.  Can you get it for me?"
Spike: "What?  You're gonna get snockered now?"
Giles: "It's not for me, you prat.  If I'm going to operate on you then I need you anesthetized."

Buffy: "Professor Walsh.  That simple little recon you sent me on . . . wasn't a raccoon. Turns out it was me trapped in the sewers with a faulty weapon and two of your pet demons.  If you think that's enough to kill me, you really don't know what a Slayer is. Trust me when I say you're gonna find out."

^ take me up ^

Goodbye Iowa

Spike: "Got to hand it to you goldilocks - you do have bleeding tragic taste in men. I've got a cousin married to a regurgitating frovilops demon that's got better instincts than you."
Buffy: "What does my taste in men have to do with this?"
Spike: "You think Riley was out knitting booties for your future offspring while Maggie stringing you up?"

Buffy: "Everybody grab a weapon. We've gotta move."
Xander: "Storm the Initiative.  Yeah let's take on those suckers."
Buffy: "I was thinking more that we'd hide."
Xander: "Oh thank God."

Buffy: "Xander, what about your basement?  The guys haven't seen us together that much and there's enough room."
Willow: "Ooh! Plus mirrored ball."
Xander: "Cool! Come on down and boogie at Xander's hideaway."
Anya: "Yes, come boogie."
Giles: "Absolutely not! I will not squat in that dank hole."
Spike: "What, it was good enough for me, but you're above it all?"
Giles: "Precisely.  Besides I-I don't see why we can't stay right where we are."

Riley:  "That's hostile 17."
Spike: "No, I'm just a friend of Xaannderr's. Pfftt. Bugger it.  I'm your guy."
Buffy: "This is Spike. He's um.. It's a really long story b-but he's not bad anymore."
Spike: "Hey! What am I, a bleeding broken record? I'm bad, it's just I can't bite anymore.  Thanks to you wankers."

Giles: "Must we have the noise. My head is splitting."
Willow: "Well, look who's cranky bear in the morning."
Giles: "Yes I can't imagine why I didn't sleep well in my beach ball."
Anya: "Every time you moved it made squeaky noises.  It was irritating."
Giles: "Really.  I'm surprised you could hear it over your Wagnerian snoring."

Anya: "You really should get yourself a boring boyfriend.  Like Xander.  You can't have Xander!"
Buffy: "That was the idea.  Riley was supposed to be Mr. Joe Guy. We were going to do dumb things like hold hands through the daises going tra-la-la."
Willow: "Poor Buffy.  Your life resists all things average."
Anya: "So dump him.  But you can't have Xander!"
Buffy: "I'll try and remember that."

Buffy: "You guys research the Polgara demon.  I want to know where it is.  When I find it I'm going to make him pay for taking that kid's life, I'll make him die in ways he can't even imagine. That probably would have sounded more commanding if I wasn't wearing my yummy sushi pajamas."

Buffy: "I'm going to have to punch you aren't I?"
Willy: "Just once and it don't have to hurt, just make it look good. Ohhh.  Oww."
Buffy: "Not yet.  I haven't touched you."

Buffy: "Giles, Anya keep researching.  Xander, you and I are going undercover."
Anya: "Hey!  Remember before.  No Xander!  Not in a boyfriend way or a lead him to a certain death way."
Buffy: "He's the only one with military experience."
Anya: "It's not like he was in the 'Nam.  He was GI Joe for one night."
Xander: "It's ok Anya.  I've backed up Buffy before."
Anya: "Can't you do something else to help them?  Like... Xerox handouts or something?"
Xander:  "I'll be careful.  Promise."

Buffy: "Sorry, I'm the only one that can pass the retinal scan."
Xander:  "The. Ewww.  I don't wanna see that."
Buffy: "Retinal scan Xander."

Xander: "Holy moley."
Buffy: "I know."
Xander: "I totally get it now.  Can I have sex with Riley too?"

Xander: "Quick pretend to make out with me."
Buffy: "Wait, what are you talking about?"
Xander: "Well I uh, you know.  In the movies the guy and the girl have to hide."
Buffy: "Please, could you possibly draw more attention to us? This is the Initiative, Xander.  Military guys and scientists do not make out with each other."
Xander: "Well, maybe that's wrong with the world. Ever think about that?"

^ take me up ^

This Year's Girl

Xander: "So, here it is. The latest in state-of-the-art combat technology. I gotta say, it doesn't look that complicated."
Buffy: "So can you repair it?"
Xander: "Sure. As soon as I get my master's degree in advanced starship technology."
Willow: "Well, why don't we experiment? Press some buttons, see what happens."
Giles: "I'd like to veto that."
Xander: "Second. It's called a blaster, Will, a word that tends to discourage experimentation. Now, if it were called the Orgazmater, I'd be the first to try your basic button press approach."

Buffy: "It's not coming to that. The Initiative created this thing and they can't stop it. But we will."
Xander: "Question: Will hiding in a cavern with stockpiled chocolate goods be any part of this plan?"

Buffy: "Oh God, I'm sorry! Did I hurt you?"
Riley: "No, a giant skewer through the rib cage hurt me. That was just a reminder."

Buffy: "It's Faith. She's awake. She beat someone up, took her clothing and disappeared out of the hospital. No one knows where she is."
Xander: "I'd say this qualifies for a "Worst Timing Ever" award."

Xander: "I'd hate to see the pursuit of a homicidal lunatic get in the way of pursuing a homicidal lunatic."
Buffy: "Well, Faith's not exactly low-profile girl. I'll patrol and wait for her to make a move."
Giles: "But then what?"
Willow: "Oooh! I have an idea! Beat the crap out of her!"
Xander: "Good plan."

Buffy: "We have no idea where she is. We don't know what she's thinking, what she's feeling..."
Xander: "Who she's doing."

Giles: "Well, perhaps there's some form of rehabiliatation we just haven't thought about."
Willow: "And if not, ass-kicking makes a solid plan B."

Buffy: "I guess it was too much to hope that you'd use your downtime to reflect and grow."
Faith: "I could say the same about you. I mean, you're still the same better-than-thou Buffy. I mean, I knew it somehow. I kept having this dream, I'm not sure what it means, but in the dream the self-righteous blond chick stabs me, and you wanna know why?"
Buffy: "You had it coming."

Xander: "The point being I could be the target here. Faith finds Mr. Xander Harris still in town, she goes tighter than cat gut. Got a lotta pent up feelings there. I'm only saying."
Giles: "Yes, I'm sure."
Xander: "See, I can't be held responsible for the effect I have on women."

Spike: "Is this bird after you?"
Xander: "In a bad way, yeah."
Spike: "Tell you what I'll do then. I'll head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where you are and then watch as she kills you. Can't any one of your damn little Scooby club at least try to remember that I hate you all? Just because I can't do the damage myself doesn't stop me from aiming a loose cannon your way. And here I thought the evening be dull."
Xander: "Go ahead. You wouldn't even recognize her."
Spike: "Dark hair, this tall, name of Faith, criminally insane. Like this girl already."
Xander: "We're dumb."

Joyce: "You sure you're okay?"
Buffy: "Five-by-five."

^ take me up ^

Who Are You        *F-Buffy=Faith in Buffy's body, B-Faith=Buffy in Faith's body*

Joyce: "I just don't understand what could drive a person to that kind of behavior."
F-Buffy: "Well, how do you know she got drove? I mean, maybe she likes being that way."
Joyce: "I'll never believe that. I think she's horribly unhappy."
F-Buffy: "Well, could be things are looking up. I mean, a little stint in the pokey, show her the error of her ways. I'm sure there's some big old Bertha just waiting to shower her ripe little self with affection."
Joyce: "Buffy!"

F-Buffy: "Why, yes, I would be Buffy. May I help you?  Buf-fy. You can't do that - it's wrong. You can't do that because it's naughty. Because it's wrong. Because it's wrong. You can't do that. It's wrong. I'll kick your ass. I'm gonna kill you."

Giles: "It's about Faith, not surprisingly."
F-Buffy: "Didn't Joyce tell you?  I already kicked that ass."
Xander: "I feel a high five coming on."
Willow: "Where is she?"
F-Buffy: "On her way to the big house. Cops took her off my hands about an hour ago. Poetic justice."
Anya: "How's that?"
F-Buffy: "Well, she did all those crimes, and now she's being arrested. I guess that's just regular justice."

Giles: "Watcher's Council. They uh sent a retrieval team to capture Faith."
F-Buffy: "Well, yeah, I mean, 'cause it worked so well when Wesley tried it."
Giles: "This is a special operations unit.  They, uh, handle the council's trickier jobs - smuggling, interrogation, wetworks."
Willow: "What's wetworks?"
Xander: "Scuba-type stuff."
Anya: "I thought it was murder."
Xander: "Well, yeah, but there could be underwater murder, with snorkels."

Xander: "We kind of have a romantic evening planned."
Anya: "We were gonna light a bunch of candles and have sex near them."
F-Buffy: "Well, we certainly don't want to cut into that seven minutes."
Anya: "Hey."
Xander: "I believe that's my hey. Hey!"

Spike: "What, are you keeping tabs on me? You're gonna give me a hard time now?"
F-Buffy: "Um, do I usually give you a hard time?"
Spike: "Very funny.  Well, you don't have to worry about me drinking. Unless you're here to protect innocent beers."

Spike: "You know why I really hate you, Summers?"
F-Buffy: "'Cause I'm a stuck-up tight-ass with no sense of fun?"
Spike: "Well, yeah, that covers a lot of it."
F-Buffy: "Cause I could do anything I want, and instead, I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of slayerness? I mean, I could be rich, I could be famous, I could have anything.  Anyone. Even you, Spike.  I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up.  I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of.  I could squeeze you until you popped like warm champagne, and you'd beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don't? Because it's wrong."
Spike: "I get this chip out, you and me are gonna have a confrontation."
F-Buffy: "Count on it."

F-Buffy: "So you guys been hanging out a lot lately, hunh?"
Tara: "Yeah. she's, um, she's really cool."
F-Buffy: "So Willow's not driving stick anymore. Who would have thought? I guess you never really know someone until you've been inside their skin. And Oz is out of the picture?  Oh, never seen two people so much in love. She just couldn't get enough of old Oz."
Tara: "She, um, said he, uh, uh, w-w-w-w-w-went..."
F-Buffy: "He w-w-w-w-what? You gonna get that sentence out sometime tonight?"

B-Faith: "Giles!"
Giles: "God!"
B-Faith: "Don't move. Ok, Giles, you have to listen to me very carefully. I'm not Faith."
Giles: "Really?"
B-Faith: "Really."
Giles: "Because the resemblance is striking."
B-Faith: "I know. Giles, you just have to... Stop inching! You were inching."
Giles: "Look, I-I know what you're going to say, and-and uh-"
B-Faith: "I'm Buffy."
Giles: "All right, I didn't know what you were going to say, but that doesn't make you any less crazy."

Giles: "Who's president?"
B-Faith: "We're checking for Buffy, not a concussion."
Giles: "Oh, yes, Alright. um..."
B-Faith: "Giles, you turned into a demon, and I knew it was you. I mean can't you just look in my eyes and be all intuitive?"
Giles: "How did I turn into a demon?"
B-Faith: "Oh, cause, uh, Ethan Rayne. And-and you have a girlfriend  named Olivia, and you haven't had a job since we blew up the school, which is valid lifestyle wise. I mean, it's not like you're a slacker type, but... Oh, oh! when I had psychic power, I heard my mom think that you were  like a stevedore during sex. What? Do you want me to continue?"
Giles: "Actually, I beg you to stop."
B-Faith: "What's a stevedore?"

Riley: "I don't understand. how could she have... I mean, how's it possible?"
Buffy: "Magic."
Riley: "There was something. I should've picked up on it. I should've just..."
Buffy: "You slept with her."
Riley: "I slept with you. Man, would I like to get my hands on her. Not in a sex way."
Buffy: "I don't think she's coming back."
Riley: "Guess she's had her fun."
Buffy: "Yeah.  Fun."

^ take me up ^


Willow: "I don't care if it is an orgy of death, there's still  such a thing as a napkin."
Buffy: "A nest. No biggie. I bet I could do it.  I know could  take at least two."
Anya: "Yes and we could run for help while the other three suck your heart out through your neck."

Xander: "Sshh! Sssh! Quick draws about more than speed.  It's also about pointing a stake the right way. Sshh! Sssh!  And there can be splinter issues.  It is a true test of dexterity."
Anya: "Can you open this?"
Xander: "No, I tear it and it gets all sloshy."

Xander: "I think did great.  We knocked em dead. Which they already were."
Willow: "We knocked 'em deader!"
Anya: "They weren't very well organized.  If they had all rushed at Buffy they could have killed her right away."
Buffy: "Thanks Anya. That won't keep me awake all night."

Spike: "I live here. I wasn't exactly pining for a noisy visit from 'wonder Jonathan and his fluffy battle kittens'."
Buffy: "Yeah? You think that one up with all the time you spend not being able to bite people?"
Jonathan: "Careful, he's still pretty dangerous."
Spike: "Yeah, back off 'Betty.'"
Buffy: "It's Buffy, you big bleached... stupid guy."

Xander: "Last night with me you said Jonathan."
Anya: "It was a moan!"
Xander: "Fine!  You moaned Jonathan!"
Anya: "Not unh! It was like unnh-unnh-atha."
Xander: "Maybe it was ahh-onathan. Still not fluffing up the old ego."
Riley: "Quite the couple, aren't they?"
Buffy: "They get into a fistfight, I've got a fifty on Anya."

Adam: "These are lies.  None of this is real.  The world has been changed.  It's intriguing but it's wrong."
Vampire: "Feels ok to me."
Adam: "You're under his spell just like the others.  I seem to be the only one who is not."
Vampire: "Really?  And what makes you so special?"
Adam: "I'm aware. I know every molecule of myself and everything around me.   No one - no human, no demon - has ever been as awake and alive as I am. You are all just shadows."
Vampire: "Oh.  So what do - what do you do now?  Hey you could kill Jonathan!  Well, or you could try.  The guy's like a dynamo of action."
Adam: "I don't need to do anything.  These magicks are unstable, corrosive.  They will inevitably lead to chaos.  And I am interested in chaos."

Anya:  "Xander's not here."
Buffy: "Oh."
Anya: "You're not going away.  Why aren't you going away?"

Buffy: "Anya he fights better than I do.  And I'm the slayer.  The Slayer! That's supposed to mean something right?"
Anya: "Oh! buck up you. You kill the best. Go you. Kill, kill."
Buffy: "Actually not needing validation right now, but thank you."

Buffy: "I'm just saying it doesn't make any sense.  H-he starred in the Matrix but he never left town.  And how'd he graduate from med school?  He's only eighteen years old."
Xander: "Effective time management?"

Buffy: "Anya tell them about the alternate universes."
Anya: "Oh ok. Umm. Say you really like shrimp a lot.  Or we could say you don't like shrimp at all. Blah I wish there weren't any shrimp you would say to yourself."
Buffy: "Stop you're saying it wrong!  I think that Jonathan may be doing something so that he's manipulating the world and we're all like his pawns."
Anya: "Or prawns."
Buffy: "Stop with the shrimp! I am trying to do something here!"

Buffy: "Giles, do you have a Jonathan swimsuit calendar?"
Giles: "No... Yes.  It was a gift."

Riley: "These spells... these really work?  I mean, can you really 'turn your enemies inside out'?  Or... learn to 'excrete gold coins'?"
Anya: "That one's not so much fun."
Willow: "They work Riley but they take concentration.  Being attuned with the forces of the universe."
Xander: "Right you can't just go 'librum incendere' and expect..."
Giles:  "Xander don't speak Latin in front of the books."

Xander: "You know what I'll always remember?"
Riley: "The swimsuit calendar's sticking in my mind.  Not in a good way."
Xander: "I'll always remember the way he made me feel about me. Valued, respected, sort of tingly...  Now I'm just empty."
Buffy: "Poor Xander.  I guess Jonathan hurt you most of all."
Tara: "Ummm."
Buffy: "Except of course, after Tara."
Riley: "Did anyone else feel way too tall?  I felt way too tall."

^ take me up ^

Where the Wild Things Are

Buffy: "Okay, you get Fang, I'll get Horny. I mean..."

Xander: "Aw, come on. Big party at Riley's house. It's gonna be fun. Why don't you wanna go?"
Anya: "You know why not. Those initiative men make me... not comfortable. And you don't care."
Xander: "They don't even know that you're an ex-demon. And we don't know that they'd care even if they did know. Which, by the way, they're not gonna find out. Anyways, they'll probably be too busy flirting with every other girl at the party to even notice you."
Anya: "So ... you don't think I'm desirable enough to be flirted with? Is that it?"
Xander: "I'm just not gonna win here, am I?"

Anya: "Why didn't you take advantage of me? Is something
wrong with your body?"
Xander: "There's nothing wrong with my body."
Anya: "Well, there must be. I saw that wrinkled man on TV talking about
erectile dysfunction-"
Xander: "Whoa! Hey. All systems go here. No function problem, okay? You want sex? Let's have sex. Right here. Hot, sweaty, big sex."

Willow: "They, they're probably going to-"
Giles: "Yes, thank you Willow, I did attend university in the Mesozoic era, I do remember what it's like."

Spike: "Grr! Oh, it's you."
Anya: "Spike! What are you doing? You made me yell really high."
Spike: "Hey! Yeah, I did. I scared you. Gimme money."
Anya: "I'm not paying you for scaring me."
Spike: "You're not paying me. I'm robbing you."
Anya: "Oh, well now that's just ludicrous. You can't hurt me because you've got that chip in your brain. Also, I like my money the way it is... when it's mine."

Anya: A year and a half ago, I could have eviscerated him with my thoughts. Now I can barely hurt his feelings. Things used to be so much simpler."
Spike: "You know ... you take the killing for granted. And then it's gone, and you're like, 'I wish I'd appreciated it more.' Stopped and smelled the corpses, you know?"

Spike: "Hey ... I know these guys from somewhere."
Anya: "Initiative soldiers, they live here. Experiments happen in the lab under the house. It's where they kept you, put in your chip. Let's have fun!"
Spike: "What are you doing? You brought me here?"
Xander: "Anya? What are you doing? You brought him here?"
Spike: "That's what I said! Only I hit the "here" part."
Xander: "Anya, this is crazy. We had a little fight. It just means that we have to work our way through some stuff. It doesn't mean that we rebound with the evil undead. And what have we been doing with him anyway?"
Spike: "Oh, who's the puffed-up manly man? All splotchy and possessive."
Anya: "It's not very convincing, is it?"
Spike: "Yeah. I see now what you said about him earlier. No follow-through."
Xander: "Hey! What a surprise! Hostile 17! Can I get you a drink, Hostile 17?"
Anya: "Xander, stop."
Spike: "Pfft! Well, may be some fun to be had in the lion's den after all. You two keep scraping. I'll find the liquor."

Willow: "We have to go back in there."
Anya: "Why?"
Xander: "Because Buffy and Riley are trapped."
Anya: "So? She's the Slayer, he's a big soldier boy, what do they need you for?"
Xander: "Anya, look around! There's ghosts and shaking, and people are going all Felicity with their hair... We're fresh out of superpeople, and somebody's gotta go back in there. Now who's with me?"
Spike: "I am. I know I'm not the first choice for heroics ... and Buffy's tried to kill me more than once. And, I don't fancy a single one of you at all. But... Actually, all that sounds pretty convincing. I wonder if Danger Mouse is on."

Anya: "Oh."
Willow: "Wow."
Giles: (singing) "To be fated..."
Xander: "Um, could we go back to the haunted house? Cause, this is
creeping me out."
Tara: "Does he do this a lot?"
Xander: "Sure. Every day the earth rotates backward and the skies turn
Giles: (singing) "But my dreams, they are as empty, as my conscience seems to be. I have hours, only lonely..."
Willow: "Now I remember why I used to have such a crush on him."
Giles: (singing) "...my love is vengeance..."
Tara: "Well, he is pretty good."
Giles: (singing) "...that's never free...
Anya: "His voice... is pleasant."
Xander: "What?!"
Giles: (singing) "No one knows what it's like to feel these feelings..."
Willow: "Oh, come on, he is kinda sexy."
Giles: (singing) "Like I do..."
Xander: "I'm fighting total mental breakdown here, Will. No more fueling the fire please."

Giles: "When you called to Buffy and Riley, they didn't cry out or, or respond in any way?"
Anya: "No. They're probably dead."
Xander: "Unless they're too busy doin' it to answer."
Giles: "Doing what?"
Xander: "You know, for a god of acoustic rock, you're... kind of naive."
Giles: "I didn't think you meant... In the midst of all that, do you really think they were keeping it up? Oh, for a different phrasing."

Xander: "Well, that totally adds to my 'old people are crazy' theorem."

Anya: "Shut up, repressed crybabies!"

Riley: "I can't believe it really happened."
Buffy: "I just had no idea. It's so creepy! He was really singing?"
Xander: "I'd say it was more like crooning. If we grow old together, remind me to skip the midlife crisis."

Willow: "Come on, you have to admit, it was kinda sexy."
Xander: "Please stop saying that. I'm willing to offer cash incentives."

Buffy: "He's right, Will. If Riley and I hadn't... gotten so wrapped up in each other, none of this would've happened."
Anya: "True. Feel shame."
Xander: "My girlfriend. Mistress of the learning plateau."

^ take me up ^

New Moon Rising

Tara: "Do you like cats?"
Willow: "I'm more of a dog person myself. But I'm not like,'death to all cats.' Why?"
Tara: "Cause I was thinking of getting one."
Willow: "Can you have one in the dorms?"
Tara: "No, but this would be a sneaky cat."
Willow: "That would be cool. You mean it'd be sort of like a familiar?"
Tara: "Actually, I-I was thinking it would be sort of like a pet. You know, we could... we could name her Trixie, or Miss Kitty Fantastico, or something."
Willow: "And we could make kitty go bonkers with string and catnip and stuff?"
Tara: "Absolutely."
Willow: "Fun! I'm in."
Tara: "So, you're not allergic or anything."
Willow: "Nope."
Tara: "Good, cause ... I want my room to be Willow-friendly."

Xander: "Buffy doesn't make her quota. Bad slayer!"

Riley: "We got demons coming out our ears."
Willow: "That's a metaphor."
Tara: "I got it, thanks."
Willow: "I'm overhelping, aren't I?"

Anya: "Well, that was a thrilling hour."
Giles: "You know, I really don't appreciate your snide remarks, Anya."

Xander: "Oz, man. Hate to sound grandma, but... you don't call, you don't write."
Oz: "Yeah, sorry."

Riley: "Man, that was record time."
Buffy: "It's no fun when they're that easy."
Riley: "Speak for yourself."

Riley: "You're kidding me. Gotta say I'm surprised. I didn't think Willow was that kind of girl."
Buffy: "What kind of girl?"
Riley: "Into dangerous guys. She seems smarter than that."
Buffy: "Oz is not dangerous. Something happened to him that wasn't his fault. God, I never knew you were such a bigot."
Riley: "Whoa, hey, how did we get to bigot? I'm just saying it's a little weird to date someone who tries to eat you once a month."
Buffy: "Yeah, well love isn't logical, Riley. It's not like you can be Mister Joe Sensible about it all the time. God knows I haven't been."

Oz: "I talked to Xander, and he said you didn't have a new guy."
Willow: "No. No new... guy."
Oz: "I know what I put you through, and I'm not gonna push. But I am... a different person than when I left. And I can be what you need now. That's what I want. That's why I'm here."

Oz: "This warlock in Romania sent me to the monks there to learn some meditation techniques. Very intense. All about keeping your inner cool."
Willow: "Good, 'cause you were such a spaz before. So that's it? You keep your cool, and no more wolfie?"
Oz: "No, there's more. I take some herbs and stuff. Some chanting. A couple of charms."

Willow: "Well, I believe a manly sized breakfast is in order, don't you?"
Oz: "Or we could just... sleep a little while. Whatever you want."
Willow: "I'll have the less confusing waffles right now."
Oz: "Breakfast it is."

Buffy: "Wait. Last night was a wolf moon, right?"
Willow: "Yup."
Buffy: "Either you're about to tell me something incredibly kinky, or-"
Willow: "No kink. He didn't change, Buffy. He said he was gonna find a cure, and he did. In Tibet."
Buffy: "Oh my god. I can't believe it. Okay, I'm all with the woo-hoo here, and you're not."
Willow: "No, there's 'woo' and, and 'hoo.' But there's 'uh-oh,' and... 'why now?' And... it's complicated."
Buffy: "Why complicated?"
Willow: "It's complicated... because of Tara."
Buffy: "You mean Tara has a crush on Oz? No. Oh! Oh. Um... well... that's great. You know, I mean, I think Tara's a, a really great girl, Will."
Willow: "She is. And... there's something between us. It-it wasn't something I was looking for. It's just powerful. And it's totally different from what Oz and I have."
Buffy: "Well, there you go, I mean, you know, you have to - you have to follow your heart, Will. And that's what's important, Will."
Willow: "Why do you keep saying my name like that?"
Buffy: "Like what, Will?"
Willow: "Are you freaked?"
Buffy: "What? No, Will, d- No. No, absolutely no to that question. I'm glad you told me. What did you say to Oz?"
Willow: "I was gonna tell him ... but then we started hanging out, and ... I could just feel everything coming back. He's Oz, you know?"
Buffy: "Yeah. I know."
Willow: "I don't wanna hurt anyone, Buffy."
Buffy: "No matter what, somebody's gonna get hurt.  And the important thing is, you just have to be honest, or it's gonna be a lot worse."

Willow: "I don't know. I just - life was starting to get so good again, and -- You're a big part of that. And here comes the thing I wanted most of all, and... I don't know what to do, I ... I wanna know, but I don't."
Tara: "Do what makes you ... h-h-happy."

Spike: "Yeah... the thing about the Slayer is... she is a whiny little thing, but when it comes to the fighting, she does have a slight tendency to win."
Adam: "Then I guess you should be on her side."
Spike: "This all goes down, the chip comes out, yeah? No tricks."
Adam: "Scout's honor."
Spike: "You were a Boy Scout?"
Adam: "Parts of me."

Anya: "So that's good, right? I mean, they probably haven't had time to eviscerate him yet."
Xander: "An, you can help by making this a quiet time."

Giles: "How did you get in?"
Spike: "Door was unlocked. You might wanna watch that, Rupert. Someone dangerous could get in."
Buffy: "Or someone formerly dangerous and currently annoying."
Spike: "Now, now. None of that. Or I won't help you get Red's mongrel back. Bad news travels fast with us demons. We all like a good laugh."
Giles: "Short of cash, Spike?"
Spike: "I happen to be seeking monetary gratification, yeah. But I also get a kick out of jackin' up those army ginks myself."

Buffy: "I've mentioned how much I'm gonna kill you if this is a scam, right?"
Spike: "Look, would I wear this if I wasn't on the up-and-up?"
Willow: "You do sorta look like an evil olive."

Anya: "Slap my hand now!"
Giles: "Beg your pardon?"
Anya: "In celebration."
Giles: "Oh... Yes."
Anya: "Ow!"

Buffy: "Stay back... or I'll pull a William Burroughs on your leader here."
Xander: "You'll bore him to death with free prose?"
Buffy: "Was I the only one awake in English that day? I'll kill him."

McNamara: "You're a dead man, Finn."
Riley: "No, sir. I'm an anarchist."

Buffy: "I have to tell you some stuff... about my past. And it's not all stuff that you're gonna like."
Riley: "You can tell me anything."
Buffy: "I think so. I think I can."

Oz: "I shouldn't have come back now.... I just thought I'd changed."
Willow: "You have changed. You stopped the wolf from coming out. I saw it."
Oz: "But I couldn't look at you. I mean, it turns out... the one thing that brings it out in me is you... which falls under the heading of ironic in my book."
Willow: "It was my fault. I upset you."
Oz: "Well, so we're safe then, cause you'll never do that again. But... you're happy?"
Willow: "I am. I can't explain it-"
Oz: "It may be safer for both of us if you don't."

Oz: "It was stupid to think that you'd just be... waiting."
Willow: "I was waiting. I feel like some part of me will always be waiting for you. Like if I'm old and blue-haired, and I turn the corner in Istanbul and there you are, I won't be surprised. Because... you're with me, you know?"
Oz: "I know. But now is not that time, I guess."
Willow: "No."

^ take me up ^

The Yoko Factor

Spike: "No.  See?  You're not getting it, Mr. Bits.  You're gonna be interestingly dead. Little Miss Tiny's got a habit of bollixing up the plans of every would-be, unstoppable bad-ass who sets foot in this town. Just want you to know, when the big ugly goes down, the Slayer's gonna be right in the thick of it.  You ready for that?"
Adam: "I'm counting on it."

Adam: "Two Slayers."
Spike: "That's right."
Adam: "And you killed them both?"
Spike: "Yeah.  I killed the hell out of them."
Adam: "Yet you fear this one?"
Spike: "Hey, watch it, mate.  I don't fear anything.  Just know my enemies."
Adam: "Do you?  Then why haven't you killed this Slayer yet?"
Spike: "Because... Stinking, rotten luck is why.  On top of that, now I got this buggering chip up my head."

Spike: "Wow. I mean, yeah.  I get why the demons all fall in line with you. You're like Tony Robbins. If he was a big scary . . Frankenstein looking-- You're exactly like Tony Robbins."

Riley: "I take it you're not an Angel fan either?"
Xander: "Well, it's not like I hate the guy.  Just, you know . . the guts part of him."

Riley: "She went running to L.A. to bone up on her history."
Xander: "No!  I'm sure it's boneless.  She just needs to make sure everything's okay.  She's probably back already."

Spike: "You know, for someone who's got 'Watcher' on his resume, you might want to cast an eye to the front door every now and again."

Tara: Oh, I just figured you'd be dorming it up with Buffy again.

Willow: "Well, we haven't really talked about it.  I used to assume we'd be roomies through grad school well into little old lady hood. You know, cheating at bingo together and forgetting to take our pills."
Tara: "But?"
Willow: "But . . . I don't know.  It hardly feels like we're roomies now.  I mean, she's busy with Riley and I'm gone a lot too. I guess I should ask her."

Spike: "Akk! Oh, come on! You got to be kidding?"
Anya: "Wow. That chip in your head means you can't even point a gun.  How humiliating."
Xander: "Doesn't work anyway.  It's a fake."
Anya: "Can't even point a decorative gun?"
Xander: "Give it up for a American chipmanship."
Spike: "It doesn't work?  What about self-defense?  I'm taking a risk here, you know?"
Xander: "Can I tell you how much I really... don't care?"

Spike: "Oh, your girlie-mates were talking.  Something about, uh, being all you can be.  Or all you can be.  And having laugh.  Figured you were signing up.  Say, have you got anything larger in the . . toy gun line?"
Xander: "'All I can--' Can you believe this!?  Like I'm some sort of useless lunk.  It happens I'm good at a lot of things.  I help out with all kinds of... stuff.  I have skills... and... stratagems. I'm very... Help me out."
Anya: "He's Viking in the sack."

Xander: "This is so like them, lately.  It's all about them and the college life.  Well, you know what college is?  It's high school only without the actual going to class.  Well, high school was kinda like that too.  But the point is, I'm out there working hard to make a living.  It's nothing but a huge joke to them.  Xander got fired from Starbucks.  Xander got fired from that phone-sex line."
Anya: "They look down on you."
Xander: "And they hate you."
Anya: "But they don't look down on me."

Buffy: "Okay, that's enough!  I see one more display of testosterone poisoning and I will personally put you both in the hospital! Anybody think I'm exaggerating?"
Angel: "He started--"

Buffy: "Okay.  I come to see you, to help you, and you treat me like I'm just . . . your ex."
Angel: "Well, technically--"
Buffy: "Shut up!  And then you order me out of your city and then you come here and start pounding on my boyfriend?! I would really like to know what the HELL are you trying to do?!"
Angel: "I was trying to make things better. Heh. Well. It's a . . . going pretty good, don'tyou think?"
Buffy: "Swell."
Angel: "You know-- heh. I couldn't leave it like that.  The way I spoke to you-- I came to apologize.  I . . I had no right."
Buffy: "And Riley?"
Angel: "I got jumped by some soldiers.  He came in in the middle.  And wasn't real forthcoming with the benefit of the doubt."
Buffy: "Put yourself in his place."
Angel: "I get it."
Buffy: "Look . . . You weren't entirely wrong, what you said in L.A. We don't live in each other's worlds anymore. I had no right to barge in on yours and make judgments."
Angel: "I'm still sorry."
Buffy: "Thank you."
Angel: "And, next time . . I'll apologize by phone. Uh, things are pretty tense around here."
Buffy: "They really are."
Angel: "Can I do anything?"
Buffy: "Honestly . . . I think the best thing you can do right now is--"
Angel: "Okay."
Buffy: "It means a lot that you came."
Angel: "Oh, and . . .  Riley."
Buffy: "Yeah?"
Angel: "I don't like him."
Buffy: "Thank you."

Spike: "Feel it in my bones.  It's, uh . . called the Yoko Factor. Don't tell me you've never heard of the Beatles?
Adam: "I have. I like 'Helter Skelter'."
Spike: "What a surprise.  The point is, they were once a real powerful group.  It's not a stretch to say they ruled the world.  And when they broke up everyone blamed Yoko, but the fact is the group split itself apart, she just happened to be there.  And you know how it is with kids.  They go off to college, they grow apart.  Way of the world."

Riley: "Buffy... I feel like we've gotten really close.  At least I thought we had.  I don't know much about Angel or your relationship with him, but... all I ask is, if you're gonna break heart, do it fast."
Buffy: "What?  You think that Angel and I..."
Riley: "Didn't you?"
Buffy: "No.  Of course not.  How can you even ask me that?"
Riley: "I don't know.  Xander said--"
Buffy: "Xander?!  Oh, he's the deadest man in Deadonia."
Riley: "No.  It's not his fault.  I prodded and he explained how Angel went bad.  The, uh, trigger."
Buffy: "Oh."
Riley: "And, uh after that, I went a little nuts!  You know? I mean... On the one hand, I should believe in us.  But on the other... Sometimes things happen between exes and when I saw that he was bad..."
Buffy: "He's... not bad."
Riley: "Seriously?  That's a good day? Well, there you go.  Even when he's good he's all Mister... Billowy Coat King of Pain and girls really--"
Buffy: "Riley, stop."
Riley: "See?  Nuts."

Giles: "What ever happened to Latin?  At least when that made no sense, the church approved."
Buffy: "I can't just wait around, Will.  The disk is no good to me unless you crack it soon."
Anya: "Hey!  We worked really hard getting that.  Xander delivered clothing."
Giles: "Church approved."

Giles: "You never train with me anymore.  He's gonna kick your ass."
Buffy: "Giles."
Giles: "Sorry.  Was it a bit honest? Terribly sorry."
Xander: "So she doesn't go alone. Giles, weapons all around."
Buffy: "You're not going, Xander. Y-you'd get hurt."
Xander: "Oh.  Okay.  You and Willow go do the superpower thing, I'll stay behind and putt around the Batcave with crusty old Alfred here."
Giles: "Ah-ah, no.  I am no Alfred, sir.  No, you forget.  Alfred had a job."

Buffy: "You guys, this isn't helping."
Willow: "Oh, wow!  We're already getting in the way.  We're pretty good at this, Xander, huh?"
Xander: "Right.  I'm so good at it you might have to ship me off to the Army to get me out of the way!"
Buffy: "The Army?"
Xander: "You didn't think I knew about that, did you?  You two talking about me behind my back."
Buffy: "Us talking about you?  How about you telling Riley every last detail of my life with Angel?"
Willow: "And besides, when is there any "us two?"  You two are the two who are the two.  I'm the other one."
Xander: "Uh-huh.  But maybe that all changes when I'm doing sit-ups over at Fort Dix?"
Giles: "Fort Dix?"
Buffy: "Are you drunk?"
Giles: "Yes.  Quite a bit, actually."
Buffy: "Well, stop it! This is stupid."
Xander: "Stupid?  So you finally have the guts to say it to my face?"
Buffy: "I didn't say you were stupid!  So . . stop being an idiot and let me fix this!"
Buffy: "Okay, I need you.  I need both of you.  All the time! Just... not now.  Adam is very dangerous."
Willow: "Wait.  How do you need me, really?"
Buffy: "You're... good with the computer stuff. Usually. And-and there's the witch stuff."
Willow: "Witch stuff?  What exactly do you mean by 'witch stuff'?"
Buffy: "You guys, what is happening?  This is crazy!"
Giles: "Oh, no, it's not. It's all finally making perfect sense and I'm not going to miss a moment of it."

Willow: "Look, I'm not the one being judgmental here.  I'll leave that territory to you and Buffy."
Buffy: "Judgmental?  If I was anymore open-minded about the choices you two make my whole brain would fall out!"
Xander: "Oh!  And superior.  Don't forget that. Just because you're better than us doesn't mean that you can be all superior!"
Buffy: "You guys, stop this!  What happened to you today?"
Willow: "It's not today!  Buffy, things have been wrong for a while! Don't you see that?"
Buffy: "What do you mean wrong?"
Willow: "Well, they certainly haven't been right, since Tara.  We have to face it.  You can't handle Tara being my girlfriend."
Xander: "No!  It was bad before that!  Since you two went off to college and forgot about me!  Just
left me in the basement to-- Tara's yourgirlfriend?"
Giles: "Bloody hell!"

Buffy: "No!  No, you said you wanted to go.  So let's go!  All of us.  We'll walk into that cave with you two
attacking me and the funny drunk drooling on my shoe!  Hey!  Hey, maybe that's the secret way of killing Adam?!"
Xander: "Buffy..."
Buffy: "Is that it?  Is that how you can help? You're not answering me!  How can you possibly help? So, I guess I'm starting to understand why there's no ancient prophecy about a Chosen One and her friends. If I need help, I'll go to someone I can count on."

^ take me up ^


Adam: "Demons cling to old ways and ancient feuds.  And they're hopeless with technology.  Unworthy."
Riley: "Not really wanting a lecture right now."
Adam: "Disappointed by demon-kind, we turned to humans.  Smart, adaptive.  But emotional and weak.  Blind.  But there's imperfection everywhere.  Something must be done.  Who will deliver us? Mother.  She saw our future, yours and mine.  She saw that you were necessary.  She saw the role that you will play by my side."

Spike: "Warms the cockles of my non-beating heart seeing you lads together."
Adam: "I didn't send for you, Spike."
Spike: "Yeah, well.  I'm not much the 'being sent for' type. I'm much more the, uh, 'I did my part now get this chip out of my head' kinda guy."

Spike: "Right.  The Initiative.  But getting her there, that's what the bleedin' disks are for, idn't it?  Well, the little witch gives her the info and pop, Alice heads back down the rabbit hole."
Adam: "The witch?"
Spike: "Uh, Willow. About so high. Perky.  Good with math.  Natural choice."
Adam: "Her friend?"
Spike: "Right."
Adam: "One of the friends from whom you so efficiently separated her."
Spike: "Damn right I did.  You should've seen 'em. They won't be talking to each other for a long, long-- Hang on. I think I might have detected a small flaw."
Adam: "So you failed."
Spike: "W-- Hey, you're supposed to be so smart, you let me plan this thing. Okay, let's not quibble about who failed who. The important thing is making sure the Slayer is where we want--"
Adam: "Go."
Spike: "Gone. So, uh, we'll do this chip thing when I get back."

Anya: "You said you wanted to check the board at the unemployment office, this morning. You can't go like that.  They won't even interview you if you're naked."
Xander: "I'm not going.  There's never anything good. Maybe I should join the Army?"
Anya: "Don't they make you get up really early in the morning?"
Xander: "Oh, yeah.  Never mind."
Anya: "Are you still upset about that fight you had with your friends? It was hours ago.  Get over it."
Xander: "Anya, you-- Forget it."
Anya: "So they all thing you're a lost directionless loser with no plans for his future. Pfft!"
Xander: "Anya, you can't 'pfft' that stuff away."
Anya: "Why not?"
Xander: "I don't know. 'Cause I think maybe they're right."
Anya: "So what if they are?  You're a good person and a good boyfriend and... And I'm in love with you. Whatever they think of you.  It shouldn't matter."
Xander: "Yeah.  Yeah, it doesn't matter."

Willow: "Must be programmed to self-decrypt at a certain point.  That is so annoying.  It-it's like somebody blurting out the answer to a riddle just when you've-- I mean, yippee!  We have the information."

Buffy: "Where's Anya?"
Xander: "Oddly, Anya decided not to join us despite all the fun we had at our last meeting."
Willow: "And I don't think Tara felt welcomed."
Buffy: "Why?  Because of the things we said? Will, who told you that we were talking behind your back, specifically?"
Willow: "Well, I-- Spike, specifically.  But--"
Buffy: "And who told you that we thought you'd be better off joining the Army?"
Xander: "That's not... exactly what he said."
Giles: "Um, uh, Spike can be very convincing when-when-when, uh... I'm very stupid."

Willow: "So . . why do you think Spike made with the head games?"
Xander: "He's all dressed up with no one to bite.  He's gotta get his ya-yas somehow."
Buffy: "I think it was more than that.  I think it was Adam."
Xander: "Spike's working for Adam!?  After all we've done-- Nah. I can't even act surprised."

Buffy: "Well, give the demon his due.  He thought this one out."
Willow: "What do you mean?"
Buffy: "You know how overcrowded the containment cells have been at the Initiative?  Those demons were just too easy to catch.  It's like they wanted in that place."
Giles: "The Trojan Horse."
Buffy: "Adam's gonna make sure the demons attack the Initiative from the inside."
Xander: "Demons versus soldiers.  Massacre, massacre."
Willow: "And Adam has a neat pile of body parts to start assembling his army.  Diabolical yet... gross."
Xander: "Does anybody else miss the Mayor- I-just-want-to-be-a-big-snake?"

Giles: "There's certainly no lack of supplies.  I only wish I knew which ones would kill Adam."
Buffy: "According to Riley, his power source is a uranium core embedded somewhere inside his chest, probably near the spine."
Xander: "Great.  So we just ask him to lie down quietly while we do some exploratory surgery."
Willow: "What about magic?  Some kind of... I don't know... uranium-extracting spell? I know.  I'm reaching."
Giles: "Perhaps a paralyzing spell? Only I can't perform the incantation to this."
Willow: "Right, don't you have to speak it in Sumerian or something?"
Giles: "I do speak Sumerian. But it's not that. Only an experienced witch can incant it and you have to be within striking distance of the subject."
Xander: "See what you get for taking French instead of Sumerian?"
Buffy: "What was I thinking?"
Xander: "So, no problem!  All we need is combo Buffy.  Her with Slayer strength, Giles' multi-lingual know-how, and Willow's witchy power. Yeah, don't tell me.  I'm just full of helpful suggestions."
Giles: "As a matter of fact, you are."

Willow: "Nervous?"
Xander: "No way.  I'm full of that good old Kamikaze spirit."
Giles: "Xander, just because this is never going to work there's no need to be negative."
Willow: "The enjoining spell isn't powerful enough to defeat Adam?"
Giles: "It's very powerful.  It's also extraordinarily dangerous."

Buffy: "I just... I'm sorry.  I hate that things have been so strained between all of us."
Willow: "It's not your fault.  Spike stirred up trouble."
Buffy: "Yeah, but I think trouble was stir-uppable.  I think we all sort of drifted apart this year, don't you?"
Willow: "Maybe a little.  But you know, first year of college it's hard to keep the old high school gang together."
Buffy: "But I want it together.  Will, I miss you.  And-and Giles and Xander.  And it is my fault.  I've been so wrapped up in my own stuff, I've been a bad friend."
Willow: "You're the Slayer, Buffy.  Your stuff is pretty crucial."
Buffy: "I mean Riley and... Riley, mostly."
Willow: "Well, I haven't been Miss Available, either.  I-I kept secrets.  I hid things from everyone."
Buffy: "That's not your fault.  Will, you were going through something huge."
Willow: "I wanted to tell you, but I was so scared."
Buffy: "You can tell me anything.  I love you. You're my best friend."
Willow: "Me, too.  I love you, too."

Buffy: "Xander!"
Willow: "Oh, wonderful Xander!"
Buffy: "You know we love you, right?"
Willow: "We totally do!"
Xander: "Oh, God, we're gonna die, aren't we?"
Willow: "No.  We just missed you."
Xander: "Giles, hurry up! You definitely want to get down here for this!"

McNamara: "You think you and your friends can just keep waltzing into a government installation, brandishing weapons like... Like..."
Willow: "It's a gourd."
Giles: "It's a magic gourd."
McNamara: "What kind of freaks are you people?"

McNamara: "Every inch of this installation is under constant twenty-four hour surveillance!"
Willow: "Including the secret lab?"
McNamara: "Including everything! ... What secret lab?"

Buffy: "Is this place okay to be magic central?"
Giles: "It, uh, should do."
Willow: "As long as we don't get blowed up or nothin'."
Xander: "What're the odds of that?"

Xander: "Buffy, I still don't like you going in alone."
Buffy: "I won't be."

Buffy: "What is this? Why won't you talk to me?"
Adam: "He can't. He's not programmed to.  He's part of the final phase now.  As you were supposed to be."
Buffy: "Sorry.  I don't jump through hoops on command.  I've never really been one to tow the line."
Adam: "Oh. Kill her".
Forrest: "I thought you'd never ask."

Willow: "The power of the Slayer and all who wield it.  Last to Ancient First.  We invoke thee.  Grant us thy domain of primal strength. Accept us and the powers we possess. Link us mind and heart with spirit joined.  Let the hand encompass us.  Do thy will."

Willow: "Spiritus... spirit."
Xander: "Animus... heart."
Giles: "Sophus... mind."
Willow: "And Manus... the hand."

Willow: "We enjoin that we may inhabit the vessel.  The hand, daughter of Sineya, first of the Ones."

Willow: "We implore thee.  Admit us.  Bring us to the vessel.  Take us- now!"

Adam: "You can't last much longer."
Buffy/Willow/Xander/Giles: "We can. We are forever."

ADAM: "But how can you?"
B/W/X/G: "You could never hope to grasp the source of our power... But yours is right here."

Spike: "Nasty sort of fellow.  Lucky for you blighters I was here, 'ey?"
Giles: "Yes.  Uh, thank you.  Although your heroism is slightly muted by the fact that you were helping Adam to start a war that would kill us all."
Xander: "He probably just saved us so we wouldn't stake you right here."
Spike: "Well, yeah. Did it work? Well, then everything's all right.  We all get to be not
staked-through-the-heart. Good work, team."

Willow: "Wasn't it amazing"?
Xander: "You were great."
Buffy: "We were great."
Riley: "We still got men out there."
Spike: "Well, let's go save 'em, by gum!"

Mr. Ward: "It was an experiment.  The Initiative represented the government's interest in not only controlling the otherworldly menace but in harnessing its power for our own military purposes.  The considered opinion of this counsel is that the experiment has failed. Once the prototype took control of the complex, our soldiers suffered a forty percent casualty rate. And it seems that it was only through the actions of a deserter and a group of civilian insurrectionists that our losses were not total. I trust the irony of that is not lost on any of us? Maggie Walsh's vision was brilliant but, ultimately, insupportable. The demons cannot be harnessed.  Cannot be controlled. It is therefore our recommendation that this project be terminated and all records concerning it expunged. Our soldiers will be debriefed.  Standard confidentiality clause.  We will monitor the civilians.  And the usual measures prepared should they try to go public. I don't think they will. The Initiative itself will be filled in with concrete. Burn it down, gentlemen. Burn it down... and salt the earth."

^ take me up ^


Riley: "They're not gonna make me disappear, and they're not pinning anything on me. I got Graham and a lot of the guys testifying I'm the reason they're alive. I might actually get out of this with an honorable discharge."
Giles: "In return for your silence, no doubt."
Riley: "Oh yeah. Having the inside scoop on the administration's own Bay of Mutated Pigs is definitely an advantage."
Willow: "It's like you're blackmailing the government.  In a... patriotic way."

Xander: "Dinner is served. And my very own recipe."
Willow: "Ooh, you pushed the button on the microwave that says 'popcorn'?"
Xander: "Actually, I pushed 'defrost,' but, um, Joyce was there in the clinch."

Xander: "Well, we got plenty of vids. And I'm putting in a preemptive bid for 'Apocalypse Now', huh?"
Willow: "Did you get anything less heart-of-darkness-y?"
Xander: "'Apocalypse Now' is a gay romp! It's the feel-good movie of whatever year it was."
Buffy: "What else?"
Xander: "Don't worry. Got plenty of chick-and-British-guy flicks too. These puppies should last us all night."

Xander: "So whatcha been doin'? Doing spells? She does spells with Tara."
Oz: "Yeah, I heard about that."
Willow: "I'm gonna be late."
Xander: "Sometimes I think about two women doing a spell... and then I do a spell by myself."

Buffy: "Ohmigod. The place is packed. Everybody's here! Your whole family's in the front row, and they look really angry."
Willow: "There's a production?"
Harmony: "Oh, somebody's got stage fright."
Willow: "Isn't this the first class?"
Riley: "Well, you showed up late, or you'd have a better part. I'm Cowboy Guy."

Giles: "Acting is not about behaving, it's about hiding. The audience wants to find you, strip you naked, and eat you alive, so hide. Stop that. Now, costumes, sets, um, the things that you, uh, you know, uh, you, um... you hold them, you touch them, uh, use them, um..."
Harmony: "Props?"
Giles: "No".
Riley: "Props?"
Giles: "Yes! It's all about subterfuge. That's very annoying. Now go on out there, lie like dogs, and have a wonderful time. Now, if we can stay in focus, keep our heads, and if Willow can stop stepping on everyone's cues, I know this'll be the best production of 'Death of a Salesman' we've ever done."

Tara: "Things aren't going very well."
Willow: "No! This drama class is just... I think they're really not doing things in the proper way, and now I'm in a play and my whole family's out there, and... why is there a cowboy in 'Death of a Salesman' anyway?"
Tara: "You don't understand yet, do you?"
Willow: "Is there something following me?"
Tara: "Yes."
Willow: "Well, what, uh, what should I do? The, the play's gonna start soon, and I don't even know my lines."
Tara: "The play's already started. That's not the point."

Tara: "Everyone's starting to wonder about you. The real you. If they find out, they'll punish you, I... I can't help you with that."

Buffy: "Play is long over. Why are you still in costume?"
Willow: "Okay, still having to explain wherein this is just my outfit."
Buffy: "Willow, everybody already knows. Take it off."
Willow: "No. No. I need it."
Buffy: "Oh, for god's sake, just take it off. That's better. It's much more realistic."

Anya: "My god, it's like a tragedy."
Oz: "I tried to warn you."
Anya: "It's exactly like a Greek tragedy. There should only be Greeks."
Willow: "My book report. This summer I, I read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe."
Xander: "Oh, who cares?"

Xander: "I'm awake. I'm good. Did I miss anything?"
Giles: "Not very much at all really."
Buffy: "Bunch of massacring."
TV Soldier: "We gotta keep going, men. We gotta take that hill.  Damn this war!"
Giles: "I have to say, I really feel that 'Apocalypse Now' is overrated."
Xander: "No, no. It gets better."

Giles: "Oh, I'm beginning to understand this now. It's all about the journey, isn't it?"
Xander: "Well, thanks for making me have to pee."
Buffy: "You don't need any help with that, right?"
Xander: "Got a system."

Xander: "I move pretty fast. You know, a man's always after-"
Joyce: "Conquest?"
Xander: "I'm a conquistador."
Joyce: "You sure it isn't comfort?"
Xander: "I'm a comfortador also."
Joyce: "I do know the difference. I've learned about boys."
Xander: "That's cool about you."
Joyce: "It's very late. Would you like to rest for a while?"
Xander: "Um, yeah. I'd like you. I'm just... gonna go to the bathroom first."
Joyce: "Don't get lost."

Xander: "Hey, there you are".
Buffy: "Are you sure it's us you were looking for?"
Spike: "Giles here is gonna teach me to be a Watcher. Says I got the stuff."
Giles: "Spike's like a son to me."
Xander: "That's good. I was into that for a while, but... I got other stuff goin' on. You gotta have something. Gotta be with movin' forward."
Buffy: "Like a shark."
Xander: "Like a shark with feet and... much less fins."
Spike: "And on land!"
Giles: "Very good!"
Xander: "Buffy, are you sure you wanna play there? It's a pretty big sandbox."
Buffy: "I'm okay.  It's not coming for me yet."
Xander: "I just mean... you can't protect yourself from... some stuff."
Buffy: "I'm way ahead of you, big brother."
Xander: "Brother?"
Giles: "Go on, put your back into it! A Watcher scoffs at gravity."

Anya: "I've been thinking about getting back into vengeance."
Xander: "Is that right?"
Anya: "Well, you know how I miss it. I'm so at loose ends since I quit. I think this is going to be a very big year for vengeance."
Xander: "But... isn't vengeance kind of... vengeful?"
Anya: "You don't want me to have a hobby."
Xander: "Not a vengeance hobby, no! It's dangerous. People can't do anything they want. Society has rules, and borders, and an end zone. It doesn't matter if- Do you mind? I'm talking to my demon."

Snyder: "Where are you from, Harris?"
Xander: "Well, the basement, mostly."
Snyder: "Were you born there?"
Xander: "Possibly."
Snyder: "I walked by your guidance counselor's office one time. A bunch of you were sitting there... waiting to be shepherded. I remember it smelled like dead flowers. Like decay. Then it hit me. The hope of our nation's future is a bunch of mulch".
Xander: "You know, I never got the chance to tell you how glad I was you were eaten by a snake."
Snyder: "Where are you heading?"
Xander: "Well, I'm supposed to meet Tara and Willow. And possibly Buffy's mom."

Xander: "That's not the way out."
Xander's Father: "What the hell is wrong with you? You won't come upstairs? What are you... ashamed of us? Your mother's crying her guts out!"
Xander: "You don't understand."
Xander's Father: "No. You don't understand. The line ends here with us, and you're not gonna change that. You haven't got the heart."

Spike: "I've hired myself out as an attraction."
Giles: "Sideshow freak?"
Spike: "Well, at least it's showbiz."

Giles: "I'm so sorry I'm late. There's a great deal going on. And all at once!"
Willow: "Don't we know it. Only at death's door over here, look at Xander!"
Xander: "Got the sucking chest wound swingin'. I promised Anya I'd be there for her big night. Now I'll probably be pushing up daisies, in the sense of being in the ground underneath them and fertilizing the soil with decomposition."

Anya: "Okay. A man... walks into the office of a doctor.  He's wearing on his head, um... Wait, there's, there's a, there's a duck. Is that right?"
Man in crowd: "You suck!"
Anya: "Quiet! You'll miss the humorous conclusion."

Willow: "Do you know this is your fault?"
Giles: "We have to think of the facts, Willow. I'm very busy. I have a gig myself, you know."
Willow: "Something's after us. It's, uh, like some primal... some animal force."
Giles: "That used to be us."
Xander: "Don't get linear on me now, man."

Giles: (singing) "It's strange, it's not like anything we've faced before. It seems familiar somehow. Of course! The spell we cast with Buffy must have released some primal evil that's come back seeking I'm not sure what... Willow, look through the chronicles for some reference to a warrior beast. I've got to warn Buffy- there's every chance she might be next. Xander, help Willow and try not to bleed on my couch I've just had it steam-cleaned. No, wait..."

Giles: "I know who you are. And I can defeat you... with my intellect. I... can cripple you with my thoughts. Of course, you underestimate me. You couldn't know. You never had a Watcher."

Tara: "You think you know... what's to come... what you are. You haven't even begun."
Buffy: "I think I need to go find the others."
Tara: "Be back before dawn."

Buffy: "Riley? You're back."
Riley: "I never left."
Buffy: "But how did the debriefing go?"
Riley: "I told you not to worry about that. It went great. They made me surgeon general."
Buffy: "Why didn't you come and tell me? We could have celebrated."
Riley: "Oh. We're drawing up a plan for world domination. The key element? Coffeemakers that think."
Buffy: "World domination? I-is that a good?"
Riley: "Baby, we're the government. It's what we do."
Adam: "She's uncomfortable with certain concepts.  It's understandable. Aggression is a natural human tendency. Though you and me come by it another way."
Buffy: "We're not demons."
Adam: "Is that a fact?"
Riley: "Buffy, we've got important work here.  A lot of filing, giving things names."
Buffy: "What was yours?"
Adam: "Before Adam? Not a man among us can remember."

Adam: "This could be trouble."
Riley: "We better make a fort."
Adam: "I'll get some pillows."

Buffy: "I'm never gonna find them here."
Tara: "Of course not. That's the reason you came."
Buffy: "You're not in my dream."
Tara: "I was borrowed. Someone has to speak for her."
Buffy: "Let her speak for herself. That's what's done in polite circles. Why do you follow me?"
Tara: "I don't."
Buffy: "Where are my friends?"
Tara: "You're asking the wrong questions."
Buffy: "Make her speak."
Tara: "I have no speech. No name. I live in the action of death, the blood cry, the penetrating wound. I am destruction. Absolute... alone."
Buffy: "The Slayer."
Tara: "The first."
Buffy: "I am not alone."
Tara: "The Slayer does not walk in this world."
Buffy: "I walk. I talk. I shop. I sneeze. I'm gonna be a fireman when the floods roll back. There's trees in the desert since you moved out. And I don't sleep on a bed of bones. Now give me back my friends."
First Slayer: "No... friends! Just the kill. We... are... alone!"
Buffy: "That's it. I'm waking up."

Buffy: "Are you quite finished? It's over, okay? I'm going to ignore you, and you're going to go away. You're really gonna have to get over the whole... primal power thing. You're not the source of me. Also, in terms of hair care, you really wanna say, what kind of impression am I making in the workplace? 'Cause-"

Willow: "The First Slayer. Wow."
Xander: "Not big with the socialization."
Willow: "Or the floss."
Giles: "Somehow our joining with... Buffy and... invoking the essence of the, the Slayer's power was an affront to the source of that power."
Buffy: "You know, you could have brought that up to us before we did it."
Giles: "I did. I said there could be dire consequences."
Buffy: "Yes, but you say that about chewing too fast."

Buffy: "Ah... Well, at least you all didn't dream about that guy with the cheese. I don't know where the hell that came from."

Tara: "You think you know... what's to come... what you are. You haven't even begun."

The Usual
The Usual

Random Quotage:

Honestly, don't you ever think about anything besides boys and clothes?
Saving the world from vampires?
I swear, sometimes I don't know what goes on in your head.
-Joyce and Buffy (Bad Eggs)

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