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Quotable BtVS: Season Four
Quotable BtVS: Season Four

The Freshman

Buffy: "I see you got ticketed too."
Willow: "Yes! I've heard about five different issues and I'm angry about each and every one of them. What'd you get?"
Buffy: "'Jello shots.'"
Willow: "I didn't get 'Jello shots!' I-I'll trade you for a-a 'Take Back the Night.'"

Willow: "Well, I'm... Ooh, boyfriend! My on-campus boyfriend."
Buffy: "Oh no, I forgot to pick mine up. Line's probably really long there, too."

Buffy: "It's too bad Giles can't be librarian here. Be convenient."
Willow: "Well, he says that he's enjoying being a gentleman of leisure."
Buffy: "Gentleman of leisure? Isn't that just British for unemployed?"
Willow: "Uh-huh, he's a slacker now."
Buffy: "Speaking of slack, have you heard anything from Xander?"
Willow: "Not for awhile, he's still on his cross-country-see-America thing. He said he wasn't coming back until he had driven to all fifty states."
Buffy: "Did you explain about Hawaii?"
Willow: "Oh, he seemed so determined."

Kathy: "I bet there's going to be a lot of parties to go to this week, too. Not that I'm a crazy partier. Oh, and I'm not always this hyper, either. I'm just excited."
Buffy: "Yeah, me too."
Kathy: "I am really glad they put me with somebody cool... I can tell that you're cool. I just know that this whole year is going to be super fun!"

Buffy: "I still feel like carrying around a security blanket."
Eddie: "Of Human Bondage. Have you ever read it?"
Buffy: "Oh, I'm not really into porn... I mean I'm just... I'm trying to cut way back."
Eddie: "No, there's no actual bondage, it's just a novel. I've read it, like, ten times. I always keep it by my bed... security blanket."

Buffy: "This is a bad time."
Giles: "You keep saying that."
Buffy: "Well it looks pretty bad! I think someone had just a little too much free time on their hands."
Giles: "I'm not supposed to have a private life?"
Buffy: "No! 'Cause you're very, very old, and it's gross."
Giles: "Well, before I succumb to the ravages of age, why don't you tell me what brings you here."

Xander: "Well I knew you guys were starting the whole college adventure and I didn't want to, um, you know... help you move."

Xander: "Basically, I got as far as Oxnard and the engine fell out of my car, and that was literally. So, I ended up washing dishes at 'The Fabulous Ladies Night Club' for about a month and a half while I tried to pay for the repairs. No one really bothered me or even spoke to me until one night when one of the male strippers called in sick and no power on this earth will make me tell you the rest of that story. Suffice to say I traded my car in for one that wasn't entirely made of rust, came trundling back home to the arms of my loving parents, where everything was exactly as it was except I sleep in the basement and I have to pay rent. How's college?"
Buffy: "Male strippers?"
Xander: "No power on this earth!"

Xander: "Buffy, this is all about fear. It's understandable, but you can't let it control you. 'Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to anger.' No wait, hold on. 'Fear leads to hate. Hate leads to the dark side.' Hold on, no, umm, 'First you get the wimmin, then you get the money, then you...' okay, can we forget that?"
Buffy: "Thanks for the Dadaist pep talk, I feel much more abstract now."
Xander: "The point is, you're Buffy."
Buffy: "Yeah, maybe in high school I was Buffy."
Xander: "And now in college you're Betty Louise?"
Buffy: "Yeah, I'm Betty Louise Plotnick of East Cupcake, Illinois. Or I might as well be."
Xander: "Buffy, I've gone through some fairly dark times in my life, faced some scary things, among them the kitchen at 'The Fabulous Ladies Night Club.' Let me tell you something, when it's dark and I'm all alone and I'm scared or freaked out or whatever, I always think, 'What would Buffy do?' You're my hero. Ok, sometimes when it's dark and I'm all alone I think, 'What is Buffy wearing?'"
Buffy: "Can that be one of those things you never, ever, tell me about?"
Xander: "It's a deal. Let's put this bitch in the ground! What do you say?"
Buffy: "I think I say thank you."
Xander: "And nothing says thank you like dollars in the waistband."

Xander: "You up for a little reconnaissance?"
Buffy: "You mean where we all sculpt and paint and stuff?"
Xander: "No, that was the renaissance."
Buffy: "Oh. I've had a really long week."

Xander: "Do we hug?"
Oz: "I think we're too manly."

Xander: "Prank? Oh, the room. Well some friends of Buffy's played a funny joke, and they took her stuff. And now she wants us to help get it back from her friends who sleep all day and have no tans."
Willow: "Oh! Those friends!"
Oz: "Funny guys."

Buffy: "When you look back at this, in the three seconds it'll take you to turn to dust, I think you'll find the mistake was touching my stuff."
Sunday: "What about breaking your arm, how'd that feel?"
Buffy: "Let me answer that with a head butt."
Buffy: "And for the record, the arm is hurt, not broken."

Giles: "I've been awake all night. I know I'm supposed to teach you self-reliance, but I can't leave you out there to fight alone. To hell with what's right, I'm ready to back you up. Let's find the evil a-and fight it together."
Buffy: "Great! Thanks! We'll get right on that."
Giles: "The evil is this way?"
Buffy: "My room is."

^ take me up ^


Living Conditions

Buffy: "Wow, this music is so... so..."
Kathy: "I know. This song is super fun. Isn't it?"
Buffy: "You bet. It just gets fun-er and fun-er every time you play it."

Kathy: "Also...  I noticed that some of my milk was missing. Did you..."
Buffy: "Oh! Yeah, actually, I did. I meant to..."
Kathy: "No! It's totally ok, I was just wondering."
Buffy: "Yeah, I-I-I was making my coffee and I just..."
Kathy: "Buffy, it's fine. I just wanted to make sure... that we didn't have a thief or something."
Buffy: "Like who? Sid the Wiley Dairy Gnome?"

Willow: "So you had trouble getting past Kathy?"
Buffy: "Yep. She made big with the questions."
Willow: "And you thought your days of sneaking out of your room were over."
Buffy: "No such luck. Kathy's nice and all, but she's... she's sort of... I don't know, like, 'mini-mom of Momdonia.'"

Buffy: Darn, I could use a little play tonight. Listening to the best of VH-1 all day sort of put me on edge."
Willow: Oh, Kathy's still spinnin' the divas?"
Buffy: "'Cause it's the fun-est!"

Buffy: "And what are we if not women up to a challenge?"
Willow: "Exactly! I mean, did we not put the 'grr' in girl?"

Buffy: "You run?"
Giles: "And jump. And bend. And, occasionally, frolic."
Buffy: "Ok, and, uh, what's with themotorbike and scooter magazine?"
Giles: "Congratulations, you've found me out. I'm a mod jogger."
Buffy: "Ok, you're not having one of those mid-life things, are you? 'Cause I'm still going 'ick' from the last time you tried to recapture your youth."

Giles: "You took your roommate patrolling with you?"
Buffy: "Well I invited the whole dorm, but she was the only one that could make it."

Xander: "Hey, say hi to non-college guy."
Buffy: "Not that I mind, but don't non-college guys usually populate the non-campus?"
Xander: "Usually. I just thought I'd come around and check on my girls."
Willow: "And eat off my plate."
Buffy: "What's the deal Xand, parents not feeding you?"
Xander: "Sure they do, for a price."

Xander: "Yeah? Something apocalypse-y? Do we need to assemble the scooby gang?"
Buffy: "No, but thank you for asking."
Xander: "I just got way too excited, didn't I?"
Buffy: "You just need to get out of the basement a little more there, Xand."

Kathy: "Ewww! Who left their gum here?"
Buffy: "Gum gnome?"

Buffy: "So then after the scorpion, the demon opened my mouth and sucked some kind of weird light out of me. A-and the worst part? I wake up and there's Kathy, staring at me like I'm some kind of freak."
Oz: "Well, actually, the worst part, I'd have to go with the demon pouring the blood down your throat."
Willow: "Me too, I would vote for that too."

Willow: "Ok, so that was the evil twin, right? 'Cause she was bordering on Cordelia-esque."

Willow: "And Buffy's completely being not herself. If it wasn't for this English paper I'd be there right now. Um, listening. Doing the girly best friend thing."
Oz: "Well, I can do that."
Willow: "You can?"
Oz: "Well, I'm not saying we'll braid each others hair--probably--but I can hang with her, watch for signs she's going over the edge."

Buffy: "...so then Kathy's like, 'It's share time.' And I'm like, 'Oh yeah? Share this!'"
Oz: "So, either you hit her, or you did your wacky mime routine for her."
Buffy: "Well, I didn't do either, actually. But she deserves it, don't you think?"
Oz: "Nobody deserves a mime, Buffy."
Buffy: "Hmm, Kathy does. She deserves to be locked in an invisible box and blown away by an imaginary wind and... and..."
Oz: "Forced to wear a binding unitard?"
Buffy: "Yeah, the itchy kind, it's perfect."

Willow: "Buffy, this has to stop. I mean I-I get it, I have a sucky roomie, too. But you just have to deal."
Buffy: "You're right, I've been thinking a lot about this and it's clear to me now."
Willow: "Good, that's better."
Buffy: "Kathy's evil. I'm an evil fighter. It's simple... I'm gonna have to kill her."

Willow: "Giles, I-I just talked to Buffy and, yeah, I think she's feeling a little... insane. No, n-not bitchy crazy, more like homicidal maniac crazy. So I told her to come to you. Kay?"

Xander: "Buffy, this hurts me more than it hurts you."
Buffy: "Not yet, but it will."
Xander: "Don't say that. Oh, PLEASE don't say that."

Xander: "I don't know if I tightened those ropes enough."
Oz: "Then we'd better go over there and check 'em."
Xander: "Oh, dear god! Avoid the legs. Avoid the legs."

^ take me up ^


The Harsh Light of Day

Devon: "That was like the best set ever. We'll do great in LA. We're gonna have them glued to their seats."
Willow: "Uh, Devon. Aren't they supposed to dance?"
Oz: "Well, we can glue them to the dance floor."
Devon: "I didn't mean with real glue. You got that right?"

Parker: "You have a scar."
Buffy: "Yeah ... right ... angry puppy. So, I get to see any of your scars?"
Parker: "Oh, mine are all psychological."

Xander: "I am not enjoying this."
Giles: "Well shelve them correctly and we can finish."
Xander: "I don't get your crazy system."
Giles: "System? It's called the alphabet."

Anya: "Where is our relationship going?"
Xander: "Our what? Our who?"
Anya: "Relationship. What kind do we have. And what is it progressing toward?"
Xander: "I ... Uh ... We have a relationship?"
Anya: "Yeah. We went to the prom. "
Xander: "Yeah, On our one and only date. Second date called on account of snake, remember? And the whole, you used to be a man killing demon thing. Which to be fair, is as much my issue as it is yours."
Anya: "I can't stop thinking about you. Sometimes in my dreams, you're all naked."
Xander: "Really. You know if I'm in the checkout line at the Wal-Mart I've had the same one."

Buffy: Neck. Paler. The puppy. The angry puppy."
Oz: Yeah, we came to warn you about the - angry puppy."

Harmony: "How's my little Blondie bear?"
Spike: "Harm, does this look like a good time?"
Harmony: "Are you gonna kill Willow tonight? Cause I want you to say, 'This is for messing with my sweet girl.' And then, you know."
Spike: "Nobody knows I'm here. And I'm not killing the slayer's best friend because that would tend to announce my presence. And we're too bloody close."
Harmony: "But you almost killed her last year. Suddenly it's a big deal.?"
Spike: "SOD OFF! Now go eat something, I've got work to do."

Spike: "So, let's have a look at the new boy."
Parker: "Hi, I'm Parker."
Spike: "He's got. What's the word? Vulnerability."
Buffy: "And you with Harmony. What'd you do? Loose a bet?"

Buffy: "What's the matter Spike? Dru dump you again?"
Spike: "Maybe I left her."
Harmony: "She left him for a fungus demon. That's all he talks about most days."

Harmony: "Is Antonio Banderas a vampire?"
Spike: "No."
Harmony: "Can I make him a vampire?"
Spike: "No. On second thought, yes. Go do that. Take your time. Do Melanie and the kids as well."
Harmony: "Hey, I don't have a pulse. Cool. Hey, can we eat a doctor so we can get a stethoscope and hear my heart not beating?"
Spike: "Harm! Will you shut the hell up?!"

Anya: "At point the matter is brought to a conclusion with both parties satisfied and able to move on with their separate lives and interests. To sum up, I think it's a workable plan. "
Xander: "So, the crux of this plan is -"
Anya: "Sexual intercourse. I've said it like a dozen times."
Xander: "Uh, huh. Just working through a little hysterical deafness here."

Anya: "Oh, I have condoms. Some are black."
Xander: "That's... that's very considerate."
Anya: "I like you. You're funny, and you're nicely shaped. And frankly, it's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not... interlock. Please remove your clothing now."
Xander: "And the amazing thing... still more romantic than Faith."

Spike: "Harm, what are you doing?"
Harmony: "I'm writing Spike loves Harmony on your back."
Spike: "Why?"
Harmony: "I don't know, it's fun. I'm bored. You can write on me."
Spike: "I've got to get back to work."
Harmony: "You love that tunnel more than me."
Spike: "I love syphilis more than you."

Oz: "Okay, either I'm borrowing all your albums or I'm moving in."
Giles: "Oz there are more important things than records right now."
Oz: "More important than this one?"
Giles: "Well I suppose an argument could be made for -"
Xander: "Whoa, Giles has a TV. Everybody, Giles has a TV. He's shallow like us."
Oz: "I got to admit, I'm a little disappointed."
Giles: "I, ah, uh, uh."
Willow: "Well maybe it doesn't work. Like a piece of art."

Buffy: "Parker did I do something wrong?"
Parker: "Something wrong? No, of course not. It was fun. Didn't you have fun? Watch out how you answer that. My ego is fragile."
Buffy: "You had fun? Was that all it was?"
Parker: "What else was it supposed to be?"
Buffy: "It seemed like you liked me."
Parker: "I do. But I'm starting to feel like you felt what? Some kind of commitment? Are you sure that's what you want right now?"
Buffy: "I just thought..."
Parker: "I'm sorry if you missed something. I thought things were pretty clear."

Spike: "So, you let Parker take a poke, eh? Didn't seem like you know each other that well. What did it take to pry apart the Slayer's dimpled knees?"
Buffy: "You're a pig Spike."
Spike: "Did he play the sensitive lad and get you to seduce him? That's a good trick if the girls thick enough to buy it. I wonder what went wrong. Were you too strong? Did you bruise the boy? Come to think of it seems like someone told me that. Who was it? Oh, yeah. Angel."

Giles: "It's also very dangerous. And we're destroying it."
Buffy: "We don't destroy it."
Giles: "Well, Buffy, any vampire that gets his hand on this is going to be essentially unkillable. Oh."
Oz: "I have that gig in LA. I could swing by."
Buffy: "Thanks Oz."
Xander: "What's going on. What's in LA?"
Willow: "She's giving the ring to Angel. Don't make a fuss."
Giles: "Buffy, are you sure?"
Buffy: "He should have it."

Buffy: "So what I'm wondering is, does this always happen? Sleep with a guy and he goes all evil. God, I'm such a fool."
Willow: "Well maybe you made a mistake. But that's okay. Next time - what?"
Buffy: "Parker said it's okay to make mistakes. It was sweet."
Willow: "No it wasn't. He was saying that so you would take a chance and sleep with him. He's a poop head."
Buffy: "You're right. He's manipulative and shallow. And why doesn't he want me. Am I repulsive? If there was something repulsive about me you would tell me, right?"
Willow: "I'm your friend. I would call you repulsive in a second."
Buffy: "Maybe Parker and I could still work it out. Do you think we could still work it out?"
Willow: "I think you're missing something about this whole poop head principal."

^ take me up ^


Fear, Itself

Xander: "Okay, and on that happy note, Iíve got a treat for tomorrow nights second annual Halloween screening. People - prepare to have your spines tingled, your gooses bumped by the terrifying Fantasia. Fantasia?"
Oz: "Maybe itís because of all the - horrific things weíve seen, but hippos wearing tutus just donít unnerve me the way they used to."
Xander: "Phantasm. It was supposed to be Phantasm. Stupid video store!"

Xander: "Sad Buffy."
Willow: "She didnít even touch her pumpkin. Itís a freak with no face."
Oz: "Sheís still suffering a little post-Parker depression."
Xander: "Bailing on the Buff. Does anyone else want to smack that guy?"

Willow: "Where is supportive boyfriend guy?"
Oz: "Heís picking up your dry cleaning, but he told me to tell you that heís afraid youíre gonna get hurt."
Willow: "Okay, Brutus. Brutus Ė Caesar? Betrayal Ė trusted friend? Back stabby?"
Oz: "Oh, Iím with you on the reference, but Ė I wonít lie about the fact that I worry? I know what itís like to have power you canít control. I mean, every time I start to wold out, I touch something Ėdeep Ė dark. Itís not fun. But just know that what ever you decide, I back your play."
Buffy: "See? Concerned boy, sweet boy."
Willow: "I kinda like him - worrying anyway."

Giles: "Happy Hallow - Hello, Buffy?"
Buffy: "Oh Ė my Ė God."
Giles: "Itís a sombrero."
Buffy: "And itís on your head."
Giles: "It seemed festive."

Anya: "You havenít called. Not once."
Xander: "You said you were over me."
Anya: "And you just accepted that? I only said that because I thought thatís what you wanted to hear."
Xander: "Thatís the funny thing about me, I tend to hear the actual words people say and accept them at face value."
Anya: "Thatís stupid."
Xander: "I accept that."

Riley: "Tonight. Itís Halloween! What, you're not going to dress up and go party?"
Buffy: "I have a lot of work to do."
Riley: "I may be out of line here, and itís not really my business, but - you seem like the kind of person that makes things really hard on themselves. Halloween isnít a night for responsibility. Itís when the ghosts and goblins come out."
Buffy: "Thatís actually a misnomer."
Riley: "Well, I didnít mean real ones. But, hey, there is some good scary fun to be had on campus tonight."
Buffy: "Yeah? What are you doing?"
Riley: "Well, Iím going to sit here and grade papers."
Buffy: "Scary."
Riley: "Very."
Buffy: "Well, thanks for the pep talk, coach."
Riley: "Donít make fun. I worked long and hard to get this pompous."
Buffy: "No, I mean it."
Riley: "Youíre welcome."

Xander: "Hey, Red. What you got in the basket, little girl?
Buffy: "Weapons."
Xander: "Oh."
Buffy: "Just in case. Like the tux, Xander.'
Xander: "Bond. James Bond. Insurance, you know, in case we get turned into our costumes again. Iím going for cool, secret agent guy."
Buffy: "I hate to break it to you, but youíll probably end up cool head waiter guy."
Xander: "As long as Iím cool and wield some kind of power."

Xander: "Of course. I wish Iíd thought of that before I put down my deposit. I could have been God."
Oz: "Blasphemer."

Xander: "I wasnít scared, I was in the spirit."
Willow: "And we back you up on that. Even if they question us separately."

Buffy: "This is Gachnar"
Xander: "Big overture. Little show."
Gachnar: "I am the dark lord of nightmares! The bringer of terror! Tremble before me. Fear me!"
Willow: "He Ė heís so cute!"
Gachnar: "Tremble!"
Xander: "Whoís a little fear demon? Come on! Whoís a little fear demon!"
Giles: "Donít taunt the fear demon."
Xander: "Why, can he hurt me?"
Giles: "No, itís just Ė tacky."

^ take me up ^


Beer Bad

Xander: "Work with me here. I'm finally an essential part of your collegy life. No more looking down o n the townie. I'm the new bartender over at the pub. Got my lighter, my rag, my empathy face."
Willow: "Aren't you too young to be a bartender?"
Xander: "Au contraire, mon frere."
Buffy: "Mon frere means brother."
Xander: "Mon girlfrere."

Buffy: "TV is a good thing. Bright colours. Music. Tiny little people."
Willow: "What did you do with Buffy?"
Buffy: "I'm suffering the afterness of a bad night of badness."
Willow: "You didn't. Not with Parker again."
Buffy: "No, with four really smart guys."
Willow: "Four? Oh. Ow. Oh Buffy, are you okay? Do you wanna talk about it?"
Buffy: "I went to see Xander. Then I saw Parker. Then came beer."
Willow: "And then group sex?"
Buffy: "Gutter face. No! Just lots and lots of beer. It's nice. Foamy. Comforting. It's just beer."

Giles: "I can't believe you served Buffy that beer."
Xander: "I didn't know it was evil."
Giles: "But you knew it was beer."
Xander: "Well excuse me Mr. 'I spent the sixties in an electric Kool-Aid funky Satan groove.'"

Willow: "Just how gullible do you think I am? I mean with you gentle eyes and your shy smile and your ability to talk openly even to me! You're unbelievable!"
Parker: "What?"
Willow: "This isn't sharing. This isn't connecting. It's the pleasure principle. That's right. I got your number ID boy. The only thing you're thinking about is how long you can jump on my bones!"
Parker: "Look, if you think that I'm-"
Willow: "I mean, you men. It's all about the sex! You find a woman, drag her to your den, do whatever's necessary just as long as you get the sex. I tell you men haven't changed since the dawn of time."

Xander: "Anyways, I think that the boys in the car are contained for the time being. This will give them some time to ponder the geo-political ramifications of BEING MEAN TO ME!"

^ take me up ^


Wild at Heart

Buffy: "You know very well, you eat this late... You're gonna get heartburn. Get it? Heartburn?  That's it? That's all I get? One lame-ass vamp with no appreciation for my painstakingly thought-out puns. I don't think the forces of darkness are even trying. I mean, you could make a little effort here, you know? Give me something to work with."

Giles: "Splendid. Well, it's ages since I've been to a gig. Well, don't look that way. I'm...I'm...I'm down with the new music. And I have the albums to prove it."
Buffy: "Yes, but it's your cutting edge 8-tracks that keep you ahead of the scene."
Oz: "Don't scoff, gang. I've seen Giles' collection. He was an animal in his day."

Willow: "Are you ok? How'd you do?  This is good. I mean, this is excellent. You did better than me. This is so unfair! You made me jealous of you academically. Buffy!"

Willow: "And I don't wanna be the kind of girl who freaks every time my boyfriend notices somebody else. I mean, I have wrong feelings about other guys sometimes, but I feel guilty, and I flog and punish."
Buffy: "Exactly. I'm sure Oz is flogging and punishing himself. This is sounding wrong before I even finish."

Giles: "Peace of Westphalia."
Contestant (on TV): "Uh, yalta?"
Giles: "Oh, you moron. That dinette set should be mine."

Willow: "What does it mean when a girl wants to... You know."
Xander: "If you're doin' it, I think you should be able to say it."
Willow: "Make love."
Xander: "Wild monkey love or tender Sarah McLachlan love?"

Willow: "I knew, you jerk. And you sat there, and you told me everything was fine? And that's as bad as... As..."
Oz: "I know how it feels. I remember."
Willow: "Oh. So what, this is payback? I had this coming?"
Oz: "No. It's not--"
Willow: "Because I thought that was behind us. And you know, what happened with Xander, it doesn't compare. Not with what you and I had. Not with whatever you've been doing with her."

Buffy: "Giles, I've never seen her like this. It's like it hurts too much to form words."
Giles: "You've... You've felt that way yourself, And you got through it."
Buffy: "Yeah. I ran away and went to hell and then got through it. I'm kind of hoping she doesn't use me as a model."

Oz: "Veruca was right about something. The wolf is inside me all the time, and I don't know where that line is anymore between me and it. And until I figure out what that means, I shouldn't be around you... Or anybody."
Willow: "Well, that could be a problem 'cause people... Kind of a planetary epidemic."
Oz: "I'll find someplace."
Willow: "Well, how long?"
Oz: "I don't know."
Willow: "Oz... Don't you love me?"
Oz: "My whole life... I've never loved anything else."

^ take me up ^


The Initiative

Forrest: "Oh...Check her out. Is she hot, or is she hot?"
Riley: "She's Buffy."
Forrest: "Buffy? I like that. That girl's so hot, she's Buffy."
Riley: "It's her name, Forrest."

Riley: "I don't dislike her. She just-- she never feels like she's really there when you talk to her. I like girls I can get a grip on."
Forrest: "I bet you do."
Riley: "Not that way. Just a little less ready for takeoff all the time. There's definitely something off about her."
Graham: "Maybe she's Canadian."

Xander: "No studying? Damn! Next thing they'll tell me is I'll have to eat jelly doughnuts or sleep with a supermodel to get things done around here. I ask you, how much can one man give?"
Giles: "Not too much, I'm afraid. Um... Once again I'd say that you and I will not be needed to help Buffy."
Xander: "Really?"
Giles: "Really."
Xander: "Well, how about this? We whip out the ouija board, light a few candles, summon some ancient, unstoppable evil. Mayhem, mayhem, mayhem. We show up and kick its ass."
Giles: "Wee bit unethical."

Buffy: "You know, for someone who teaches human behavior, you might try showing some."
Walsh: "It's not my job to coddle my students."
Buffy: "You're right. A human being in pain has nothing to do with your job."

Riley: "I just didn't like hearing him talk about Buffy that way. I think I... Well, I guess I like her."
Forrest: "You're kind of like a moron."
Riley: "So, you... You knew that I had feelings for her."
Forrest: "Everybody knows, man. Oh, she's peculiar? Dead giveaway, buddy."
Riley: "I'm always the last to know."
Forrest: "So, whatcha gonna do?"
Riley: "Well, I guess I'm gonna go see a girl."

Xander: "Every man faces this moment. Here. Now. Watching. Waiting For an unseen enemy that has no face. Nerve endings screaming in silence. Never knowing which thought might be your last."
Giles: "Oh, shut up."

Willow: "Keep eye contact. Funny is good, but don't be glib. And remember, if you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend. Have fun."

Riley: "You don't understand. I'm good at things. That's what I do. Work hard, apply myself, get it done."
Willow: "Well, you failed extremely well."
Riley: "That's a great comfort to me."

Riley: "The problem is, what kind of girl is gonna go out with a guy who's acting all joe regular by day and then turns all demon-hunter by night?"
Graham: "Maybe a peculiar one."

Spike: "I don't understand. This sort of thing's never happened to me before."
Willow: "Maybe you were nervous."
Spike: "I felt all right when I started. Let's try again.  Ow! Oh! Ow! Damn it!"
Willow: "Maybe you're trying too hard. Doesn't this happen to every vampire?"
Spike: "Not to me, it doesn't!"
Willow: "It's me, isn't it?"
Spike: "What are you talking about?"
Willow: "Well, you came looking for Buffy, then settled. I--I... You didn't want to bite me. I just happened to be around."
Spike: "Piffle!"
Willow: "I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into. It's always like, 'ooh, you're like a sister to me,' or, 'oh, you're such a good friend.'"
Spike: "Don't be ridiculous. I'd bite you in a heartbeat."
Willow: "Really?"
Spike: "Thought about it."
Willow: "When?"
Spike: "Remember last year, you had on that... Fuzzy pink number with the lilac underneath?"
Willow: "I never would have guessed. You played the blood-lust kinda cool."
Spike: "Mmm. I hate being obvious. All fang-y and "rrrr!" Takes the mystery out."
Willow: "But if you could..."
Spike: "If I could, yeah."
Willow: "You know, this doesn't make you any less terrifying."
Spike: "Don't patronize me."

Buffy: "Uh, last night... At the party, You wanted to tell me something?"
Riley: "Oh, yeah. Very important stuff. I don't remember any of it now. But you would have been fascinated, possibly even moved. Did Willow tell you I like cheese?"
Buffy: "You're a little peculiar."
Riley: "I can live with that."

^ take me up ^


Pangs

Anya: "Look at him. Have you ever seen anything so masculine?"
Buffy: "You mean Guerrero or his wife?"
Willow: "I think she means..."
Buffy: "Oh. Very manly. Not at all village people.  So much sexier than the outfit from his last job."
Willow: "Oh, I miss the free hot dogs on sticks."
Anya: "I'm imagining having sex with him right now."

Buffy: "You know what? I should have my own Thanksgiving. I can cook the meal, just like my mom does; have all you guys over. It'll be great."
Willow: "Buffy, earlier you agreed with me about Thanksgiving. It's a sham. It's all about death."
Buffy: "It is a sham, but it's a sham with yams. It's a yam sham."
Willow: "You're not gonna jokey-rhyme your way out of this one."

Anya: "I inflicted a lot of putrefying diseases on men when I was an avenging demon, and you look like you're getting all of them."
Xander: "Ok. I'll stay. But you should go. You could catch it."
Anya: "We'll die together. It's romantic. Let me get your trousers off."
Xander: "You're a strange girlfriend."
Anya: "I'm a girlfriend?"
Xander: "Uh...There's a chance I'm delirious."
Anya: "Ah, yes. Well, whatever it is that's making you sick, so far, I like it."

Willow: "Or...Or maybe an ear-harvesting demon that--it's, like, building another demon completely out of ears. Or...Ooh. Thought. We're just assuming someone else cut off the ear. What if it was self-inflicted, like Van Gogh?"
Buffy: "So...She brutally stabs herself, dumped the body, then cut off her own ear?"
Willow: "No. She cut off her ear, then killed herself, then dumped the body-- I'm really off my game, aren't I?"

Buffy: "Giles, if you would like to get by in american society, then you are going to have to follow our traditions.
You're the patriarch. You have to host the festivities, or it's all meaningless."
Giles: "And this is in no way an elaborate scheme to stick me with the cleanup?"
Buffy: "How about that ceremonial knife, huh? Pretty juicy piece of clueage, don't you think?"

Giles: "Where are you going?"
Angel: "To watch her."
Giles: "It's not fair. You know that's what she'd say. You can see her, but she can't see you?"
Angel: "Believe me, I'm not getting the good half of this deal. To be on the outside looking in at what I can't... Well, I'd forgotten how bad it feels."

Willow: "Hey, is Cordelia really working for you? 'Cause that's gotta be a special experience. Of all the people you could've hired."

Buffy: "We don't say 'indian.'"
Giles: "Oh, right. Yes, yes. Um, always behind on the terms. Still trying not to refer to you lot as "bloody colonials."

Xander: "Can we come rocketing back to the part about me and my new syphilis?"
Anya: "It'll make you blind and insane, but it won't kill you. The smallpox will."

Spike: "Oh, damn it! look, I'm safe. I can't bite anyone. Willow, tell' em what I did."
Willow: "You said you were gonna kill me, then buffy."
Spike: "Yes, bad, but let's skip that part and get to the part where I couldn't bite you."
Willow: "It's true. He had trouble performing."
Spike: "Yeah, well, it looks like they've done me for good. Um..."
Buffy: "What are you saying?"
Spike: "I'm saying that Spike had a little trip to the vet and now he doesn't chase the other puppies anymore. I can't bite anything. I can't even hit people."
Buffy: "So you haven't murdered anybody lately? Let's be best pals."

Spike: "Oh, someone put a stake in me."
Xander: "You got a lot of volunteers in here."
Spike: "I just can't take all this mamby-pamby boo-hooing about the bloody Indians."
Buffy: "Uh, the preferred term--"
Spike: "You won. All right? You came in and you killed them and you took their land. That's what conquering nations do. It's what Caesar did, and he's not going around saying, 'I came, I conquered, I felt really bad about it.' The history of the world isn't people making friends. You had better weapons, and you massacred them. End of story."

Spike: "You exterminated his race. What could you possibly say that would make him feel better? It's kill or be killed here. Take your bloody pick."
Xander: Maybe it's the syphilis talking, but... Some of that made sense."
Giles: I made these points earlier, but fine, no one listens to me."

Xander: "Angel?"
Anya: "So this is Angel. He's large and glowery, isn't he?"
Xander: "He's evil again."
Angel: "I'm not evil again. Why does everyone think that?"

Buffy: "A bear!"
Spike: "You made a bear!"
Buffy: "I didn't mean to."
Spike: "Undo it! Undo it!"

^ take me up ^


Something Blue

Buffy: "Is there something you want to tell me?"
Riley: "What?"
Riley: "Oh, yes, I am a lesbian."

Buffy: "But I can't help thinking... isn't that where the fire comes from? Can a nice, safe
relationship be that intense? I know it's nuts, but... part of me believes that real love and
passion have to go hand in hand with pain and fighting. I wonder where I get that from."

Giles: Look, look, Spike... we have no intention of killing a harmless.. uh, creature.. but we have to know what's been done to you. We can't let you go until we're sure that you're... impotent..."
Spike: "Hey!"
Giles: "Sorry, poor choice of words. Until we're sure you're, you're..."
Buffy: "Flaccid?"
Spike: "You are one step away, missy."
Buffy: "Giles, help! He's going to scold me."

Buffy: "You want something nicer? Look at my poor neck. All bare and tender and exposed... all that blood just pumping away..."
Giles: "Oh, please."
Spike: "Giles, make her stop."
Giles: "If those two don't kill each other, I might lend a hand."

Spike: "Come on, now! It's telly time!"
Answering Machine: "This is Buffy and Willow. We're not in right now, so please leave a message."
Giles: "Oh, uh, Willow... It's Giles. Um... I thought you were bringing the ingredients for that spell. I really have to..."
Spike: "'Passions is on! Timmy's down the bloody well, and if you make me miss it, I'll..."
Giles: "You'll do what? Lick me to death?"

Spike: "Hey, what's that all about?"
Giles: "Hmm? Oh, nothing. I just got ash in my eye."
Spike: "Well, I won't have you doin' mojo on me if you can't read properly. You might turn me into a stink beetle or what all."
Giles: "T'would be a generous ending for you, Spike."

Buffy: "It's just so sudden. I don't know what to say."
Spike: "Just say yes, and make me the happiest man on earth."
Buffy: "Oh, Spike! Of course it's yes!"
Buffy: "Giles! You'll never believe what's happened!"

Spike: "Well, first thing I'd say, we're not having a church wedding."
Buffy: "How 'bout a daytime ceremony. In the park."
Spike: "Fabulous. Enjoy your honeymoon with the big pile of dust."
Buffy: "Under the trees. Indirect sunlight, only."
Spike: "Warm breeze tosses the leaves aside, and again... you're registering as Mr. and Mrs. Big-Pile-of-Dust."

Buffy: "Honey, we need to talk about the invitations. Now, do you wanna be William the Bloody, or just Spike? ĎCause, either way, it's gonna look majorly weird."
Spike: "Whereas the name Buffy gives it that touch of classic elegance."
Buffy: "What's wrong with Buffy?"
Giles: "Oh... such a good question."
Spike: "Well, it's a terrible name."
Buffy: "My mother gave me that name."
Spike: "Your mother, yeah, she's a genius."
Buffy: "Don't you start in on my mother."

Anya: "Why are you holding hands?"
Spike: "They have to hear it sooner or later..."
Buffy: "Spike and I are getting married!"
Xander: "How? What? How?"
Giles: "Three excellent questions."
Spike: "What are you lookin' at?"
Buffy: "The man I love."
Xander: "Can I be blind, too?"

Buffy: "And you both were affected. I probably only escaped because I'm the Slayer. Some kind of natural immunity."
Xander: "Yeah. Right. You're marrying Spike because you're so right for each other."
Buffy: "Xander!"
Spike: "That's it ... you're off the usher list."

Buffy: "Oh, ugh..."
Spike: "Oh, bloody hell!"
Buffy: "Spike lips! Lips of Spike!"

Spike: "Don't I get a cookie?"
Buffy: "No."
Spike: "Well, I gotta have something. I still have Buffy taste in my mouth."
Buffy: "You're a pig, Spike."
Spike: "Yeah... well I'm not the one who wanted, 'Wind Beneath My Wings' for the first dance."
Buffy: "That was the spell."

Buffy: "No, it's just... I saw that fear in your eyes when you caught me looking at wedding dresses, and I had to give you a hard time."
Riley: "I did not have fear in my eyes."
Buffy: "Yes you did. You were looking at me like I was a cartoon ball and chain."
Riley: "So you decided to tell me you're getting married."
Buffy: "Uh-huh."
Riley: "So, you're insane."
Buffy: "Uh-huh!"
Riley: "But you're still single."
Buffy: "Yes."
Riley: "Okay, then. Just another little piece of the Buffy puzzle."
Buffy: "You really have a lot to learn about women, Riley."
Riley: "You're gonna teach me."

^ take me up ^


Hush

Buffy: "This feels very strange."
Riley: "Don't worry. If I kiss you it'll make the sun go down."

Little girl: "Can't even shout, can't even cry
The gentlemen are coming by
Looking in windows, knocking on doors
They need to take seven and they might take yours
Can't call to mom, can't say a word
You're gonna die screaming but you won't be heard."

Riley: "So what have you got going on for tonight?"
Buffy: "Patrolling."
Riley: "Patrolling?"
Buffy: "Uh, Petroleum."
Riley: "Petroleum?"
Buffy: "Uh huh."
Riley: "Tonight you have crude oil."
Buffy: "And homework."

Spike: "We're out of wheetabix."
Giles: "We are out of wheetabix because you ate it all- again."
Spike: "Get some more."
Giles: "I thought vampires were supposed to eat blood."
Spike: "Yep. Well sometimes I like to crumble up the wheetabix in the blood- give it a little texture."
Giles: "Since the picture you just painted means I will never touch food of any kind again you'll just have to pick it up yourself."
Spike: "Sissy."

Anya: "I don't. This isn't a relationship you don't need me, all you care about is lots of orgasms."
Xander: "Okay... remember how we talked about private conversations and how they're less private when they're in front of my friends?"
Spike: "Oh, we're not your friends. Go on."
Giles: "Please don't."

Giles: "I have a friend who's coming to town and I'd like us to be alone."
Anya: "Oh, you mean an orgasm friend?"
Giles: "Yes, that's exactly the most appalling thing you could have said."

Buffy: "So not stellar, hunh?"
Willow: "Talk! All talk. Blah, blah, Gaia, blah, blah, moon, menstrual life force power thingy. You know, after a couple of sessions I was hoping we would get into something real but..."
Buffy: "No actual witches in your witch group."
Willow: "No, bunch of wanna-blessed-bes. You know, nowadays every girl with a henna tatoo and a spice rack thinks she's a sister to the dark ones."

Spike: "I don't see why I have to be tied up."
Xander: "It's just while I'm sleeping."
Spike: "Like I'd bite you anyway."
Xander: "Oh you would."
Spike: "Not bloody likely."
Xander: "I happen to be very biteable pal. I'm moist and delicious."
Spike: "Alright, yeah fine you're a nummy treat."
Xander: "And don't you forget it!"

Olivia: "All the time you used to talk to me about witchcraft and darkness and the like- I just thought you were being pretentious."
Giles: "Oh I was. I was also right."
Olivia: "So everything you told me was true."
Giles: "Well no, um, I wasn't actually one of the original members of Pink Floyd. But the monster stuff, yes."

Riley: "Well, I guess we have to talk."
Buffy: "I guess we do."

^ take me up ^


Doomed

Riley: "What are you?"
Buffy: "Capricorn on the cusp of Aquarius. You?"

Buffy: "I thought a professional demon chaser like yourself would have figured it out by now. - Iím the Slayer. Slay-er? - Chosen One. She who hangs out a lot in cemeteries? - Youíre kidding. Ask around. Look it up: Slayer comma the."

Spike: "Sodden sleeping chair is bloody Ė sodden."
Xander: "The quake just knocked a couple of pipes lose. There is a wrench hanging up over there by the workbench. Try tightening the coupling."
Spike: "Do I look like a plumber to you?"
Xander: "No, you look like a big mooch that doesnít lift a finger around here. But I have to get to work."
Spike: "Yeah, delivering melted cheese on bread, doing your part to keep America constipated."

Riley: "Whatís a Slayer?"
Forrest: "Slayer? Thrash Band. Anvil handed guitar band with delusions of Black Sabbath."
Riley: "No. A girl, with powers."
Forrest: "Oh. The Slayer. Oh, yeah, Iíve heard of the Slayer."
Riley: "Fill me in."
Forrest: "Well, the way I got it figured the Slayer is like some kind of boogey man for the Subterrestrials, something they tell their little spawn to make them eat their vegetables and clean up their slime pits."
Riley: "Youíre telling me she doesnít exist."
Forrest: "Oh, wait a sec. Am I bursting somebodyís bubble here? Maybe this is a bad time to tell you about Ė the Easter-bunny?"

Buffy: "Wow. I wasnít sure where the party was, and then I saw the flashing lights and the ambulance, and I was like 'right, of course! Death, carnage Ė itís a Buffy party!"

Riley: "Iím just trying to Ė make up my mind about something. - Buffy, - sheís pretty cool, isnít she?"
Forrest: "Yes already, sheís cool, sheís hot, she is tepid, sheís all temperature Buffy. Now can we concentrate on the game here?"

Willow: "Ooh, and something else. He, the dead guy, was-was propped up, like whatever killed him wanted to drain the blood out of him. So Iím thinking the whatever took a bunch of the guyís blood with it. And I havenít been a nerd for a very long time! Hello dating a guitarist, - or I - was."

Xander: "Itís kind of the CBS logo. Hey, could this be the handiwork of one Mr. Morley Safer?"

Giles: "Itís the end of the world."
Buffy, Willow and Xander: "Again?"
Giles: "Itís ah, the earthquake, - that symbol, - yes."
Buffy: "I told you. I-I said end of the world and youíre like Ďpoo-poo southern California, poo-poo!"
Giles: "Iím so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse."

Buffy: "I wonder where Iíve seen this before? Where else? The place I spend most of my waking hours memorizing stuff of the sides of mausoleums, big freaky cereal boxes of death."

Buffy: "Riley, I just... canít."
Riley: "Canít talk?"
Buffy: "Canít any of it. - I canít be with you. - Itís just a huge, black pit of a mistake and I canít go there again."
Riley: "Again? Youíve dated me before?"
Buffy: "No! Look I was involved... You donít know what my life is like."
Riley: "But Iím dying to find out."
Buffy: "Dying being the operative word here. Okay, there is too much risk. There is too much... Itís just doomed! And I canít do doomed again right now. Sorry."

Riley: "Buffy, Iím thrown by this, Iím confused... - But I can feel my skin humming, my hands, my every inch of me. Iíve never been this excited about anybody before. Iím not trying to scare you, and Iím not going to force myself on you. But Iím, by God, not going to walk away because I think it might not work."

Willow: "What are you doing?"
Spike: "Bloody rot. Canít a person knock?"
Willow: "What were you doing?"
Xander: "You were trying to stake yourself!"
Spike: "Fag off! - Itís no concern of yours."
Xander: "Is, too. For one thing thatís my shirt youíre about to dust. For another, weíve shared a lot here. You should have trusted me enough to do it for you."
Willow: "Xander!"
Xander: "What? He wants to die, I want to help."

Xander: "Think of the happy. If we donít find what weíre looking for, we face an apocalypse."
Spike: "Really? Youíre not just saying that?"

Riley: "Buffy, where is the bad here? It just turns out Ė we are even more well matched than we thought we were. I mean, youíre a Ė fry cook Ė and so am I!"
Buffy: "Yeah, but youíre an amateur Ė fry cook and I come form a long line of fry cooks that donít live past 25."
Riley: "Which is exactly the attitude Iím talking about. Look, I know the risks of what we do. I also know itís more rewarding than any other job on the planet Ė and fun."
Buffy: "Fun? The last person I know that believed that is in a coma right now because she had so much fun on the job."
Riley: "Iím not saying that you shouldnít take your work seriously."
Buffy: "That I should just turn my frown upside down? Is that it? I wish I could. But this isnít the kind of gig where you can just hang it up at the end of the night and snuggle with your honey."
Riley: "But why? Why canít it be?"
Buffy: "Because Iíve tried it, okay? And every time it just fell apart. And then I get sucked right back in to the Uber-evil."
Riley: "Welcome to the story of the world. Things fall apart Buffy. And evil Ė it comes and goes. But the way people manage is, they donít do it alone. They pull each other through. If you werenít so self involved youídsee that."
Buffy: "You have no idea what youíre talking about. You barely know me."
Riley: "I know that itís not just a job thing. Iím sure that there is some good looking guy that done you wrong in there, too. But mostly I think you want to stay down in that dark place because maybe itís safer down there."
Buffy: "You are so out of line."
Riley: "No. See I donít think so. Look, we have an opportunity here, you and me, and the fact that youíre to scared to even give it a try..."
Buffy: "Is my business. So why donít you just leave me alone?"
Riley: "Fair enough."

Spike: "Thatís right. Iím back. And Iím a BLOODY ANIMAL! Yeah!"

Spike: "Whatís this? Sitting around watching the telly while thereís evil still a foot.  Thatís not very industrious of you. I say we go out there and kick a little demon ass! What, canít go without your Buffy, is that it? Too chicken? Letís find her! She is the Chosen One after all. Ė Come on! Vampires! Grrr! Nasty! Letís annihilate them. For justice - and for - the safety of puppies Ė and Christmas, right? Letís fight that evil! - Letís kill something!  Oh, come on!"


The Usual
The Usual

Random Quotage:

The earth is definitely doomed.
-Giles (Chosen)


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Merchandise:

BtVS: The Score CD BtVS: The Score CD

Buffy the Vampire Slayer - The Chosen Collection (Seasons 1-7) BtVS - The Chosen Collection (Seasons 1-7)


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