Quotable BtVS: Season Four
Quotable BtVS: Season Four
Buffy: "I see you
got ticketed too."
I've heard about five different issues and I'm angry about each and every
one of them. What'd you get?"
Willow: "I didn't
get 'Jello shots!' I-I'll trade you for a-a 'Take Back the Night.'"
I'm... Ooh, boyfriend! My on-campus boyfriend."
Buffy: "Oh no,
I forgot to pick mine up. Line's probably really long there, too."
Buffy: "It's too
bad Giles can't be librarian here. Be convenient."
he says that he's enjoying being a gentleman of leisure."
of leisure? Isn't that just British for unemployed?"
he's a slacker now."
of slack, have you heard anything from Xander?"
Willow: "Not for
awhile, he's still on his cross-country-see-America thing. He said he wasn't
coming back until he had driven to all fifty states."
Buffy: "Did you
explain about Hawaii?"
Willow: "Oh, he
seemed so determined."
Kathy: "I bet there's
going to be a lot of parties to go to this week, too. Not that I'm a crazy
partier. Oh, and I'm not always this hyper, either. I'm just excited."
Kathy: "I am really
glad they put me with somebody cool... I can tell that you're cool. I just
know that this whole year is going to be super fun!"
Buffy: "I still
feel like carrying around a security blanket."
Human Bondage. Have you ever read it?"
Buffy: "Oh, I'm
not really into porn... I mean I'm just... I'm trying to cut way back."
Eddie: "No, there's
no actual bondage, it's just a novel. I've read it, like, ten times. I
always keep it by my bed... security blanket."
Buffy: "This is
a bad time."
Giles: "You keep
Buffy: "Well it
looks pretty bad! I think someone had just a little too much free time
on their hands."
Giles: "I'm not
supposed to have a private life?"
Buffy: "No! 'Cause
you're very, very old, and it's gross."
before I succumb to the ravages of age, why don't you tell me what brings
Xander: "Well I
knew you guys were starting the whole college adventure and I didn't want
to, um, you know... help you move."
I got as far as Oxnard and the engine fell out of my car, and that was
literally. So, I ended up washing dishes at 'The Fabulous Ladies Night
Club' for about a month and a half while I tried to pay for the repairs.
No one really bothered me or even spoke to me until one night when one
of the male strippers called in sick and no power on this earth will make
me tell you the rest of that story. Suffice to say I traded my car in for
one that wasn't entirely made of rust, came trundling back home to the
arms of my loving parents, where everything was exactly as it was except
I sleep in the basement and I have to pay rent. How's college?"
Buffy: "Male strippers?"
Xander: "No power
on this earth!"
this is all about fear. It's understandable, but you can't let it control
you. 'Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to anger.' No
wait, hold on. 'Fear leads to hate. Hate leads to the dark side.' Hold
on, no, umm, 'First you get the wimmin, then you get the money, then you...'
okay, can we forget that?"
for the Dadaist pep talk, I feel much more abstract now."
Xander: "The point
is, you're Buffy."
maybe in high school I was Buffy."
Xander: "And now
in college you're Betty Louise?"
I'm Betty Louise Plotnick of East Cupcake, Illinois. Or I might as well
I've gone through some fairly dark times in my life, faced some scary things,
among them the kitchen at 'The Fabulous Ladies Night Club.' Let me tell
you something, when it's dark and I'm all alone and I'm scared or freaked
out or whatever, I always think, 'What would Buffy do?' You're my hero.
Ok, sometimes when it's dark and I'm all alone I think, 'What is Buffy
Buffy: "Can that
be one of those things you never, ever, tell me about?"
a deal. Let's put this bitch in the ground! What do you say?"
Buffy: "I think
I say thank you."
Xander: "And nothing
says thank you like dollars in the waistband."
Xander: "You up
for a little reconnaissance?"
Buffy: "You mean
where we all sculpt and paint and stuff?"
Xander: "No, that
was the renaissance."
Buffy: "Oh. I've
had a really long week."
Xander: "Do we
Oz: "I think we're
Oh, the room. Well some friends of Buffy's played a funny joke, and they
took her stuff. And now she wants us to help get it back from her friends
who sleep all day and have no tans."
Willow: "Oh! Those
Oz: "Funny guys."
Buffy: "When you
look back at this, in the three seconds it'll take you to turn to dust,
I think you'll find the mistake was touching my stuff."
about breaking your arm, how'd that feel?"
Buffy: "Let me
answer that with a head butt."
Buffy: "And for
the record, the arm is hurt, not broken."
Giles: "I've been
awake all night. I know I'm supposed to teach you self-reliance, but I
can't leave you out there to fight alone. To hell with what's right, I'm
ready to back you up. Let's find the evil a-and fight it together."
^ take me up ^
Thanks! We'll get right on that."
Giles: "The evil
is this way?"
Buffy: "My room
Buffy: "Wow, this
music is so... so..."
Kathy: "I know.
This song is super fun. Isn't it?"
Buffy: "You bet.
It just gets fun-er and fun-er every time you play it."
I noticed that some of my milk was missing. Did you..."
Buffy: "Oh! Yeah,
actually, I did. I meant to..."
Kathy: "No! It's
totally ok, I was just wondering."
I-I-I was making my coffee and I just..."
it's fine. I just wanted to make sure... that we didn't have a thief or
Buffy: "Like who?
Sid the Wiley Dairy Gnome?"
Willow: "So you
had trouble getting past Kathy?"
Buffy: "Yep. She
made big with the questions."
Willow: "And you
thought your days of sneaking out of your room were over."
Buffy: "No such
luck. Kathy's nice and all, but she's... she's sort of... I don't know,
like, 'mini-mom of Momdonia.'"
Buffy: Darn, I
could use a little play tonight. Listening to the best of VH-1 all day
sort of put me on edge."
Willow: Oh, Kathy's
still spinnin' the divas?"
it's the fun-est!"
Buffy: "And what
are we if not women up to a challenge?"
I mean, did we not put the 'grr' in girl?"
Buffy: "You run?"
Giles: "And jump.
And bend. And, occasionally, frolic."
Buffy: "Ok, and,
uh, what's with themotorbike and scooter magazine?"
you've found me out. I'm a mod jogger."
Buffy: "Ok, you're
not having one of those mid-life things, are you? 'Cause I'm still going
'ick' from the last time you tried to recapture your youth."
Giles: "You took
your roommate patrolling with you?"
Buffy: "Well I
invited the whole dorm, but she was the only one that could make it."
Xander: "Hey, say
hi to non-college guy."
Buffy: "Not that
I mind, but don't non-college guys usually populate the non-campus?"
I just thought I'd come around and check on my girls."
Willow: "And eat
off my plate."
the deal Xand, parents not feeding you?"
they do, for a price."
Something apocalypse-y? Do we need to assemble the scooby gang?"
Buffy: "No, but
thank you for asking."
Xander: "I just
got way too excited, didn't I?"
Buffy: "You just
need to get out of the basement a little more there, Xand."
Kathy: "Ewww! Who
left their gum here?"
Buffy: "Gum gnome?"
Buffy: "So then
after the scorpion, the demon opened my mouth and sucked some kind of weird
light out of me. A-and the worst part? I wake up and there's Kathy, staring
at me like I'm some kind of freak."
Oz: "Well, actually,
the worst part, I'd have to go with the demon pouring the blood down your
Willow: "Me too,
I would vote for that too."
Willow: "Ok, so
that was the evil twin, right? 'Cause she was bordering on Cordelia-esque."
Willow: "And Buffy's
completely being not herself. If it wasn't for this English paper I'd be
there right now. Um, listening. Doing the girly best friend thing."
Oz: "Well, I can
Willow: "You can?"
Oz: "Well, I'm
not saying we'll braid each others hair--probably--but I can hang with
her, watch for signs she's going over the edge."
Buffy: "...so then
Kathy's like, 'It's share time.' And I'm like, 'Oh yeah? Share this!'"
Oz: "So, either
you hit her, or you did your wacky mime routine for her."
I didn't do either, actually. But she deserves it, don't you think?"
Oz: "Nobody deserves
a mime, Buffy."
Buffy: "Hmm, Kathy
does. She deserves to be locked in an invisible box and blown away by an
imaginary wind and... and..."
Oz: "Forced to
wear a binding unitard?"
the itchy kind, it's perfect."
this has to stop. I mean I-I get it, I have a sucky roomie, too. But you
just have to deal."
right, I've been thinking a lot about this and it's clear to me now."
evil. I'm an evil fighter. It's simple... I'm gonna have to kill her."
I-I just talked to Buffy and, yeah, I think she's feeling a little... insane.
No, n-not bitchy crazy, more like homicidal maniac crazy. So I told her
to come to you. Kay?"
this hurts me more than it hurts you."
Buffy: "Not yet,
but it will."
say that. Oh, PLEASE don't say that."
Xander: "I don't
know if I tightened those ropes enough."
^ take me up ^
Oz: "Then we'd
better go over there and check 'em."
Xander: "Oh, dear
god! Avoid the legs. Avoid the legs."
Harsh Light of Day
Devon: "That was
like the best set ever. We'll do great in LA. We're gonna have them glued
to their seats."
Willow: "Uh, Devon.
Aren't they supposed to dance?"
Oz: "Well, we
can glue them to the dance floor."
Devon: "I didn't
mean with real glue. You got that right?"
Parker: "You have
Buffy: "Yeah ...
right ... angry puppy. So, I get to see any of your scars?"
Parker: "Oh, mine
are all psychological."
Xander: "I am not
Giles: "Well shelve
them correctly and we can finish."
Xander: "I don't
get your crazy system."
It's called the alphabet."
Anya: "Where is
our relationship going?"
Xander: "Our what?
What kind do we have. And what is it progressing toward?"
Xander: "I ...
Uh ... We have a relationship?"
Anya: "Yeah. We
went to the prom. "
On our one and only date. Second date called on account of snake, remember?
And the whole, you used to be a man killing demon thing. Which to be fair,
is as much my issue as it is yours."
Anya: "I can't
stop thinking about you. Sometimes in my dreams, you're all naked."
You know if I'm in the checkout line at the Wal-Mart I've had the same
Buffy: Neck. Paler.
The puppy. The angry puppy."
Oz: Yeah, we came
to warn you about the - angry puppy."
my little Blondie bear?"
does this look like a good time?"
you gonna kill Willow tonight? Cause I want you to say, 'This is for messing
with my sweet girl.' And then, you know."
knows I'm here. And I'm not killing the slayer's best friend because that
would tend to announce my presence. And we're too bloody close."
you almost killed her last year. Suddenly it's a big deal.?"
Spike: "SOD OFF!
Now go eat something, I've got work to do."
Spike: "So, let's
have a look at the new boy."
Parker: "Hi, I'm
Spike: "He's got.
What's the word? Vulnerability."
Buffy: "And you
with Harmony. What'd you do? Loose a bet?"
the matter Spike? Dru dump you again?"
I left her."
left him for a fungus demon. That's all he talks about most days."
Harmony: "Is Antonio
Banderas a vampire?"
I make him a vampire?"
Spike: "No. On
second thought, yes. Go do that. Take your time. Do Melanie and the kids
I don't have a pulse. Cool. Hey, can we eat a doctor so we can get a stethoscope
and hear my heart not beating?"
Will you shut the hell up?!"
Anya: "At point
the matter is brought to a conclusion with both parties satisfied and able
to move on with their separate lives and interests. To sum up, I think
it's a workable plan. "
Xander: "So, the
crux of this plan is -"
intercourse. I've said it like a dozen times."
Xander: "Uh, huh.
Just working through a little hysterical deafness here."
Anya: "Oh, I have
condoms. Some are black."
that's very considerate."
Anya: "I like
you. You're funny, and you're nicely shaped. And frankly, it's ludicrous
to have these interlocking bodies and not... interlock. Please remove your
Xander: "And the
amazing thing... still more romantic than Faith."
Spike: "Harm, what
are you doing?"
writing Spike loves Harmony on your back."
Harmony: "I don't
know, it's fun. I'm bored. You can write on me."
Spike: "I've got
to get back to work."
love that tunnel more than me."
Spike: "I love
syphilis more than you."
Oz: "Okay, either
I'm borrowing all your albums or I'm moving in."
Giles: "Oz there
are more important things than records right now."
Oz: "More important
than this one?"
Giles: "Well I
suppose an argument could be made for -"
Giles has a TV. Everybody, Giles has a TV. He's shallow like us."
Oz: "I got to
admit, I'm a little disappointed."
Giles: "I, ah,
maybe it doesn't work. Like a piece of art."
did I do something wrong?"
wrong? No, of course not. It was fun. Didn't you have fun? Watch out how
you answer that. My ego is fragile."
Buffy: "You had
fun? Was that all it was?"
else was it supposed to be?"
Buffy: "It seemed
like you liked me."
Parker: "I do.
But I'm starting to feel like you felt what? Some kind of commitment? Are
you sure that's what you want right now?"
Buffy: "I just
Parker: "I'm sorry
if you missed something. I thought things were pretty clear."
Spike: "So, you
let Parker take a poke, eh? Didn't seem like you know each other that well.
What did it take to pry apart the Slayer's dimpled knees?"
a pig Spike."
Spike: "Did he
play the sensitive lad and get you to seduce him? That's a good trick if
the girls thick enough to buy it. I wonder what went wrong. Were you too
strong? Did you bruise the boy? Come to think of it seems like someone
told me that. Who was it? Oh, yeah. Angel."
Giles: "It's also
very dangerous. And we're destroying it."
Buffy: "We don't
Buffy, any vampire that gets his hand on this is going to be essentially
Oz: "I have that
gig in LA. I could swing by."
going on. What's in LA?"
giving the ring to Angel. Don't make a fuss."
are you sure?"
Buffy: "He should
Buffy: "So what
I'm wondering is, does this always happen? Sleep with a guy and he goes
all evil. God, I'm such a fool."
^ take me up ^
maybe you made a mistake. But that's okay. Next time - what?"
said it's okay to make mistakes. It was sweet."
Willow: "No it
wasn't. He was saying that so you would take a chance and sleep with him.
He's a poop head."
right. He's manipulative and shallow. And why doesn't he want me. Am I
repulsive? If there was something repulsive about me you would tell me,
Willow: "I'm your
friend. I would call you repulsive in a second."
Parker and I could still work it out. Do you think we could still work
Willow: "I think
you're missing something about this whole poop head principal."
and on that happy note, Iíve got a treat for tomorrow nights second annual
Halloween screening. People - prepare to have your spines tingled, your
gooses bumped by the terrifying Fantasia. Fantasia?"
Oz: "Maybe itís
because of all the - horrific things weíve seen, but hippos wearing tutus
just donít unnerve me the way they used to."
It was supposed to be Phantasm. Stupid video store!"
Xander: "Sad Buffy."
Willow: "She didnít
even touch her pumpkin. Itís a freak with no face."
Oz: "Sheís still
suffering a little post-Parker depression."
on the Buff. Does anyone else want to smack that guy?"
is supportive boyfriend guy?"
Oz: "Heís picking
up your dry cleaning, but he told me to tell you that heís afraid youíre
gonna get hurt."
Brutus. Brutus Ė Caesar? Betrayal Ė trusted friend? Back stabby?"
Oz: "Oh, Iím with
you on the reference, but Ė I wonít lie about the fact that I worry? I
know what itís like to have power you canít control. I mean, every time
I start to wold out, I touch something Ėdeep Ė dark. Itís not fun. But
just know that what ever you decide, I back your play."
Buffy: "See? Concerned
boy, sweet boy."
Willow: "I kinda
like him - worrying anyway."
Giles: "Happy Hallow
- Hello, Buffy?"
Buffy: "Oh Ė my
Giles: "Itís a
Buffy: "And itís
on your head."
Giles: "It seemed
Anya: "You havenít
called. Not once."
Xander: "You said
you were over me."
Anya: "And you
just accepted that? I only said that because I thought thatís what you
wanted to hear."
the funny thing about me, I tend to hear the actual words people say and
accept them at face value."
Xander: "I accept
Itís Halloween! What, you're not going to dress up and go party?"
Buffy: "I have
a lot of work to do."
Riley: "I may
be out of line here, and itís not really my business, but - you seem like
the kind of person that makes things really hard on themselves. Halloween
isnít a night for responsibility. Itís when the ghosts and goblins come
actually a misnomer."
I didnít mean real ones. But, hey, there is some good scary fun to be had
on campus tonight."
What are you doing?"
Iím going to sit here and grade papers."
thanks for the pep talk, coach."
make fun. I worked long and hard to get this pompous."
Buffy: "No, I
Xander: "Hey, Red.
What you got in the basket, little girl?
Buffy: "Just in
case. Like the tux, Xander.'
James Bond. Insurance, you know, in case we get turned into our costumes
again. Iím going for cool, secret agent guy."
Buffy: "I hate
to break it to you, but youíll probably end up cool head waiter guy."
Xander: "As long
as Iím cool and wield some kind of power."
Xander: "Of course.
I wish Iíd thought of that before I put down my deposit. I could have been
Xander: "I wasnít
scared, I was in the spirit."
Willow: "And we
back you up on that. Even if they question us separately."
Buffy: "This is Gachnar"
^ take me up ^
Xander: "Big overture.
Gachnar: "I am the dark
lord of nightmares! The bringer of terror! Tremble before me. Fear me!"
Willow: "He Ė heís so
Xander: "Whoís a little
fear demon? Come on! Whoís a little fear demon!"
Giles: "Donít taunt the
Xander: "Why, can he
Giles: "No, itís just
Xander: "Work with
me here. I'm finally an essential part of your collegy life. No more looking
down o n the townie. I'm the new bartender over at the pub. Got my lighter,
my rag, my empathy face."
you too young to be a bartender?"
Xander: "Au contraire,
Buffy: "Mon frere
Xander: "Mon girlfrere."
Buffy: "TV is a
good thing. Bright colours. Music. Tiny little people."
did you do with Buffy?"
Buffy: "I'm suffering
the afterness of a bad night of badness."
Willow: "You didn't.
Not with Parker again."
Buffy: "No, with
four really smart guys."
Oh. Ow. Oh Buffy, are you okay? Do you wanna talk about it?"
Buffy: "I went
to see Xander. Then I saw Parker. Then came beer."
Willow: "And then
face. No! Just lots and lots of beer. It's nice. Foamy. Comforting. It's
Giles: "I can't
believe you served Buffy that beer."
Xander: "I didn't
know it was evil."
Giles: "But you
knew it was beer."
excuse me Mr. 'I spent the sixties in an electric Kool-Aid funky Satan
Willow: "Just how
gullible do you think I am? I mean with you gentle eyes and your shy smile
and your ability to talk openly even to me! You're unbelievable!"
isn't sharing. This isn't connecting. It's the pleasure principle. That's
right. I got your number ID boy. The only thing you're thinking about is
how long you can jump on my bones!"
if you think that I'm-"
Willow: "I mean,
you men. It's all about the sex! You find a woman, drag her to your den,
do whatever's necessary just as long as you get the sex. I tell you men
haven't changed since the dawn of time."
I think that the boys in the car are contained for the time being. This
will give them some time to ponder the geo-political ramifications of BEING
MEAN TO ME!"^ take me up ^
Buffy: "You know
very well, you eat this late... You're gonna get heartburn. Get it? Heartburn?
That's it? That's all I get? One lame-ass vamp with no appreciation for
my painstakingly thought-out puns. I don't think the forces of darkness
are even trying. I mean, you could make a little effort here, you know?
Give me something to work with."
Well, it's ages since I've been to a gig. Well, don't look that way. I'm...I'm...I'm
down with the new music. And I have the albums to prove it."
Buffy: "Yes, but
it's your cutting edge 8-tracks that keep you ahead of the scene."
Oz: "Don't scoff,
gang. I've seen Giles' collection. He was an animal in his day."
Willow: "Are you
ok? How'd you do? This is good. I mean, this is excellent. You did
better than me. This is so unfair! You made me jealous of you academically.
Willow: "And I
don't wanna be the kind of girl who freaks every time my boyfriend notices
somebody else. I mean, I have wrong feelings about other guys sometimes,
but I feel guilty, and I flog and punish."
I'm sure Oz is flogging and punishing himself. This is sounding wrong before
I even finish."
Giles: "Peace of
Contestant (on TV):
Giles: "Oh, you
moron. That dinette set should be mine."
Willow: "What does
it mean when a girl wants to... You know."
Xander: "If you're
doin' it, I think you should be able to say it."
monkey love or tender Sarah McLachlan love?"
Willow: "I knew,
you jerk. And you sat there, and you told me everything was fine? And that's
as bad as... As..."
Oz: "I know how
it feels. I remember."
Willow: "Oh. So
what, this is payback? I had this coming?"
Oz: "No. It's
I thought that was behind us. And you know, what happened with Xander,
it doesn't compare. Not with what you and I had. Not with whatever you've
been doing with her."
I've never seen her like this. It's like it hurts too much to form words."
You've felt that way yourself, And you got through it."
I ran away and went to hell and then got through it. I'm kind of hoping
she doesn't use me as a model."
Oz: "Veruca was
right about something. The wolf is inside me all the time, and I don't
know where that line is anymore between me and it. And until I figure out
what that means, I shouldn't be around you... Or anybody."
^ take me up ^
that could be a problem 'cause people... Kind of a planetary epidemic."
Oz: "I'll find
Oz: "I don't know."
Don't you love me?"
Oz: "My whole
life... I've never loved anything else."
her out. Is she hot, or is she hot?"
I like that. That girl's so hot, she's Buffy."
Riley: "It's her
Riley: "I don't
dislike her. She just-- she never feels like she's really there when you
talk to her. I like girls I can get a grip on."
Forrest: "I bet
Riley: "Not that
way. Just a little less ready for takeoff all the time. There's definitely
something off about her."
Xander: "No studying?
Damn! Next thing they'll tell me is I'll have to eat jelly doughnuts or
sleep with a supermodel to get things done around here. I ask you, how
much can one man give?"
Giles: "Not too
much, I'm afraid. Um... Once again I'd say that you and I will not be needed
to help Buffy."
how about this? We whip out the ouija board, light a few candles, summon
some ancient, unstoppable evil. Mayhem, mayhem, mayhem. We show up and
kick its ass."
Giles: "Wee bit
Buffy: "You know,
for someone who teaches human behavior, you might try showing some."
Walsh: "It's not
my job to coddle my students."
right. A human being in pain has nothing to do with your job."
Riley: "I just
didn't like hearing him talk about Buffy that way. I think I... Well, I
guess I like her."
kind of like a moron."
Riley: "So, you...
You knew that I had feelings for her."
knows, man. Oh, she's peculiar? Dead giveaway, buddy."
Riley: "I'm always
the last to know."
whatcha gonna do?"
I guess I'm gonna go see a girl."
man faces this moment. Here. Now. Watching. Waiting For an unseen enemy
that has no face. Nerve endings screaming in silence. Never knowing which
thought might be your last."
Giles: "Oh, shut
Willow: "Keep eye
contact. Funny is good, but don't be glib. And remember, if you hurt her,
I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody's
friend. Have fun."
Riley: "You don't
understand. I'm good at things. That's what I do. Work hard, apply myself,
get it done."
you failed extremely well."
a great comfort to me."
Riley: "The problem
is, what kind of girl is gonna go out with a guy who's acting all joe regular
by day and then turns all demon-hunter by night?"
a peculiar one."
Spike: "I don't
understand. This sort of thing's never happened to me before."
you were nervous."
Spike: "I felt
all right when I started. Let's try again. Ow! Oh! Ow! Damn it!"
you're trying too hard. Doesn't this happen to every vampire?"
Spike: "Not to
me, it doesn't!"
me, isn't it?"
Spike: "What are
you talking about?"
you came looking for Buffy, then settled. I--I... You didn't want to bite
me. I just happened to be around."
Willow: "I know
I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into. It's always
like, 'ooh, you're like a sister to me,' or, 'oh, you're such a good friend.'"
be ridiculous. I'd bite you in a heartbeat."
last year, you had on that... Fuzzy pink number with the lilac underneath?"
Willow: "I never
would have guessed. You played the blood-lust kinda cool."
Spike: "Mmm. I
hate being obvious. All fang-y and "rrrr!" Takes the mystery out."
Willow: "But if
Spike: "If I could,
Willow: "You know,
this doesn't make you any less terrifying."
Buffy: "Uh, last
night... At the party, You wanted to tell me something?"
^ take me up ^
Riley: "Oh, yeah.
Very important stuff. I don't remember any of it now. But you would have
been fascinated, possibly even moved. Did Willow tell you I like cheese?"
a little peculiar."
Riley: "I can
live with that."
Anya: "Look at
him. Have you ever seen anything so masculine?"
Buffy: "You mean
Guerrero or his wife?"
Willow: "I think
Buffy: "Oh. Very
manly. Not at all village people. So much sexier than the outfit
from his last job."
Willow: "Oh, I
miss the free hot dogs on sticks."
Anya: "I'm imagining
having sex with him right now."
Buffy: "You know
what? I should have my own Thanksgiving. I can cook the meal, just like
my mom does; have all you guys over. It'll be great."
earlier you agreed with me about Thanksgiving. It's a sham. It's all about
Buffy: "It is
a sham, but it's a sham with yams. It's a yam sham."
not gonna jokey-rhyme your way out of this one."
Anya: "I inflicted
a lot of putrefying diseases on men when I was an avenging demon, and you
look like you're getting all of them."
Xander: "Ok. I'll
stay. But you should go. You could catch it."
Anya: "We'll die
together. It's romantic. Let me get your trousers off."
a strange girlfriend."
Anya: "I'm a girlfriend?"
a chance I'm delirious."
Anya: "Ah, yes.
Well, whatever it is that's making you sick, so far, I like it."
maybe an ear-harvesting demon that--it's, like, building another demon
completely out of ears. Or...Ooh. Thought. We're just assuming someone
else cut off the ear. What if it was self-inflicted, like Van Gogh?"
brutally stabs herself, dumped the body, then cut off her own ear?"
Willow: "No. She
cut off her ear, then killed herself, then dumped the body-- I'm really
off my game, aren't I?"
if you would like to get by in american society, then you are going to
have to follow our traditions.
You're the patriarch.
You have to host the festivities, or it's all meaningless."
Giles: "And this
is in no way an elaborate scheme to stick me with the cleanup?"
Buffy: "How about
that ceremonial knife, huh? Pretty juicy piece of clueage, don't you think?"
Giles: "Where are
Angel: "To watch
Giles: "It's not
fair. You know that's what she'd say. You can see her, but she can't see
me, I'm not getting the good half of this deal. To be on the outside looking
in at what I can't... Well, I'd forgotten how bad it feels."
Willow: "Hey, is
Cordelia really working for you? 'Cause that's gotta be a special experience.
Of all the people you could've hired."
Buffy: "We don't
Giles: "Oh, right.
Yes, yes. Um, always behind on the terms. Still trying not to refer to
you lot as "bloody colonials."
Xander: "Can we
come rocketing back to the part about me and my new syphilis?"
Anya: "It'll make
you blind and insane, but it won't kill you. The smallpox will."
Spike: "Oh, damn
it! look, I'm safe. I can't bite anyone. Willow, tell' em what I did."
Willow: "You said
you were gonna kill me, then buffy."
Spike: "Yes, bad,
but let's skip that part and get to the part where I couldn't bite you."
true. He had trouble performing."
well, it looks like they've done me for good. Um..."
Buffy: "What are
Spike: "I'm saying
that Spike had a little trip to the vet and now he doesn't chase the other
puppies anymore. I can't bite anything. I can't even hit people."
Buffy: "So you
haven't murdered anybody lately? Let's be best pals."
Spike: "Oh, someone
put a stake in me."
Xander: "You got
a lot of volunteers in here."
Spike: "I just
can't take all this mamby-pamby boo-hooing about the bloody Indians."
Buffy: "Uh, the
Spike: "You won.
All right? You came in and you killed them and you took their land. That's
what conquering nations do. It's what Caesar did, and he's not going around
saying, 'I came, I conquered, I felt really bad about it.' The history
of the world isn't people making friends. You had better weapons, and you
massacred them. End of story."
Spike: "You exterminated
his race. What could you possibly say that would make him feel better?
It's kill or be killed here. Take your bloody pick."
it's the syphilis talking, but... Some of that made sense."
Giles: I made
these points earlier, but fine, no one listens to me."
Anya: "So this
is Angel. He's large and glowery, isn't he?"
Angel: "I'm not
evil again. Why does everyone think that?"
Buffy: "A bear!"
^ take me up ^
Spike: "You made
Buffy: "I didn't
Spike: "Undo it!
Buffy: "Is there
something you want to tell me?"
Riley: "Oh, yes,
I am a lesbian."
Buffy: "But I can't
help thinking... isn't that where the fire comes from? Can a nice, safe
relationship be that
intense? I know it's nuts, but... part of me believes that real love and
passion have to go hand
in hand with pain and fighting. I wonder where I get that from."
Giles: Look, look,
Spike... we have no intention of killing a harmless.. uh, creature.. but
we have to know what's been done to you. We can't let you go until we're
sure that you're... impotent..."
poor choice of words. Until we're sure you're, you're..."
Spike: "You are
one step away, missy."
help! He's going to scold me."
Buffy: "You want
something nicer? Look at my poor neck. All bare and tender and exposed...
all that blood just pumping away..."
Giles: "Oh, please."
make her stop."
Giles: "If those
two don't kill each other, I might lend a hand."
Spike: "Come on,
now! It's telly time!"
"This is Buffy and Willow. We're not in right now, so please leave a message."
Giles: "Oh, uh,
Willow... It's Giles. Um... I thought you were bringing the ingredients
for that spell. I really have to..."
is on! Timmy's down the bloody well, and if you make me miss it, I'll..."
do what? Lick me to death?"
Spike: "Hey, what's
that all about?"
Giles: "Hmm? Oh,
nothing. I just got ash in my eye."
I won't have you doin' mojo on me if you can't read properly. You might
turn me into a stink beetle or what all."
be a generous ending for you, Spike."
Buffy: "It's just
so sudden. I don't know what to say."
Spike: "Just say
yes, and make me the happiest man on earth."
Buffy: "Oh, Spike!
Of course it's yes!"
You'll never believe what's happened!"
Spike: "Well, first
thing I'd say, we're not having a church wedding."
Buffy: "How 'bout
a daytime ceremony. In the park."
Enjoy your honeymoon with the big pile of dust."
the trees. Indirect sunlight, only."
Spike: "Warm breeze
tosses the leaves aside, and again... you're registering as Mr. and Mrs.
we need to talk about the invitations. Now, do you wanna be William the
Bloody, or just Spike? ĎCause, either way, it's gonna look majorly weird."
the name Buffy gives it that touch of classic elegance."
wrong with Buffy?"
such a good question."
it's a terrible name."
Buffy: "My mother
gave me that name."
Spike: "Your mother,
yeah, she's a genius."
you start in on my mother."
Anya: "Why are
you holding hands?"
Spike: "They have
to hear it sooner or later..."
and I are getting married!"
Spike: "What are
you lookin' at?"
Buffy: "The man
Xander: "Can I
be blind, too?"
Buffy: "And you
both were affected. I probably only escaped because I'm the Slayer. Some
kind of natural immunity."
Right. You're marrying Spike because you're so right for each other."
it ... you're off the usher list."
Buffy: "Oh, ugh..."
Spike: "Oh, bloody
lips! Lips of Spike!"
Spike: "Don't I
get a cookie?"
I gotta have something. I still have Buffy taste in my mouth."
a pig, Spike."
well I'm not the one who wanted, 'Wind Beneath My Wings' for the first
Buffy: "That was
Buffy: "No, it's
just... I saw that fear in your eyes when you caught me looking at wedding
dresses, and I had to give you a hard time."
^ take me up ^
Riley: "I did
not have fear in my eyes."
Buffy: "Yes you
did. You were looking at me like I was a cartoon ball and chain."
Riley: "So you
decided to tell me you're getting married."
Riley: "So, you're
Riley: "But you're
then. Just another little piece of the Buffy puzzle."
Buffy: "You really
have a lot to learn about women, Riley."
gonna teach me."
Buffy: "This feels
worry. If I kiss you it'll make the sun go down."
Little girl: "Can't
even shout, can't even cry
The gentlemen are coming
Looking in windows, knocking
They need to take seven
and they might take yours
Can't call to mom, can't
say a word
You're gonna die screaming
but you won't be heard."
Riley: "So what
have you got going on for tonight?"
Buffy: "Uh, Petroleum."
Buffy: "Uh huh."
you have crude oil."
Buffy: "And homework."
Spike: "We're out
Giles: "We are
out of wheetabix because you ate it all- again."
Spike: "Get some
Giles: "I thought
vampires were supposed to eat blood."
Spike: "Yep. Well
sometimes I like to crumble up the wheetabix in the blood- give it a little
the picture you just painted means I will never touch food of any kind
again you'll just have to pick it up yourself."
Anya: "I don't.
This isn't a relationship you don't need me, all you care about is lots
remember how we talked about private conversations and how they're less
private when they're in front of my friends?"
Spike: "Oh, we're
not your friends. Go on."
Giles: "I have
a friend who's coming to town and I'd like us to be alone."
Anya: "Oh, you
mean an orgasm friend?"
Giles: "Yes, that's
exactly the most appalling thing you could have said."
Buffy: "So not
All talk. Blah, blah, Gaia, blah, blah, moon, menstrual life force power
thingy. You know, after a couple of sessions I was hoping we would get
into something real but..."
Buffy: "No actual
witches in your witch group."
Willow: "No, bunch
of wanna-blessed-bes. You know, nowadays every girl with a henna tatoo
and a spice rack thinks she's a sister to the dark ones."
Spike: "I don't
see why I have to be tied up."
just while I'm sleeping."
Spike: "Like I'd
bite you anyway."
Xander: "Oh you
Spike: "Not bloody
Xander: "I happen
to be very biteable pal. I'm moist and delicious."
yeah fine you're a nummy treat."
Xander: "And don't
you forget it!"
Olivia: "All the
time you used to talk to me about witchcraft and darkness and the like-
I just thought you were being pretentious."
Giles: "Oh I was.
I was also right."
Olivia: "So everything
you told me was true."
Giles: "Well no,
um, I wasn't actually one of the original members of Pink Floyd. But the
monster stuff, yes."
Riley: "Well, I
guess we have to talk."
^ take me up ^
Buffy: "I guess
Riley: "What are
on the cusp of Aquarius. You?"
Buffy: "I thought
a professional demon chaser like yourself would have figured it out by
now. - Iím the Slayer. Slay-er? - Chosen One. She who hangs out a lot in
cemeteries? - Youíre kidding. Ask around. Look it up: Slayer comma the."
sleeping chair is bloody Ė sodden."
Xander: "The quake
just knocked a couple of pipes lose. There is a wrench hanging up over
there by the workbench. Try tightening the coupling."
Spike: "Do I look
like a plumber to you?"
Xander: "No, you
look like a big mooch that doesnít lift a finger around here. But I have
to get to work."
delivering melted cheese on bread, doing your part to keep America constipated."
Thrash Band. Anvil handed guitar band with delusions of Black Sabbath."
Riley: "No. A
girl, with powers."
Slayer. Oh, yeah, Iíve heard of the Slayer."
Riley: "Fill me
the way I got it figured the Slayer is like some kind of boogey man for
the Subterrestrials, something they tell their little spawn to make them
eat their vegetables and clean up their slime pits."
telling me she doesnít exist."
wait a sec. Am I bursting somebodyís bubble here? Maybe this is a bad time
to tell you about Ė the Easter-bunny?"
Buffy: "Wow. I
wasnít sure where the party was, and then I saw the flashing lights and
the ambulance, and I was like 'right, of course! Death, carnage Ė itís
a Buffy party!"
Riley: "Iím just
trying to Ė make up my mind about something. - Buffy, - sheís pretty cool,
already, sheís cool, sheís hot, she is tepid, sheís all temperature Buffy.
Now can we concentrate on the game here?"
Willow: "Ooh, and
something else. He, the dead guy, was-was propped up, like whatever killed
him wanted to drain the blood out of him. So Iím thinking the whatever
took a bunch of the guyís blood with it. And I havenít been a nerd for
a very long time! Hello dating a guitarist, - or I - was."
Xander: "Itís kind
of the CBS logo. Hey, could this be the handiwork of one Mr. Morley Safer?"
Giles: "Itís the
end of the world."
Buffy, Willow and
Giles: "Itís ah,
the earthquake, - that symbol, - yes."
Buffy: "I told
you. I-I said end of the world and youíre like Ďpoo-poo southern California,
Giles: "Iím so
very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse."
Buffy: "I wonder
where Iíve seen this before? Where else? The place I spend most of my waking
hours memorizing stuff of the sides of mausoleums, big freaky cereal boxes
I just... canít."
any of it. - I canít be with you. - Itís just a huge, black pit of a mistake
and I canít go there again."
Youíve dated me before?"
Buffy: "No! Look
I was involved... You donít know what my life is like."
Riley: "But Iím
dying to find out."
being the operative word here. Okay, there is too much risk. There is too
much... Itís just doomed! And I canít do doomed again right now.
Iím thrown by this, Iím confused... - But I can feel my skin humming, my
hands, my every inch of me. Iíve never been this excited about anybody
before. Iím not trying to scare you, and Iím not going to force myself
on you. But Iím, by God, not going to walk away because I think it might
Willow: "What are
rot. Canít a person knock?"
were you doing?"
Xander: "You were
trying to stake yourself!"
Spike: "Fag off!
- Itís no concern of yours."
Xander: "Is, too.
For one thing thatís my shirt youíre about to dust. For another, weíve
shared a lot here. You should have trusted me enough to do it for you."
He wants to die, I want to help."
of the happy. If we donít find what weíre looking for, we face an apocalypse."
Youíre not just saying that?"
where is the bad here? It just turns out Ė we are even more well matched
than we thought we were. I mean, youíre a Ė fry cook Ė and so am I!"
but youíre an amateur Ė fry cook and I come form a long line of fry cooks
that donít live past 25."
is exactly the attitude Iím talking about. Look, I know the risks of what
we do. I also know itís more rewarding than any other job on the planet
Ė and fun."
Buffy: "Fun? The
last person I know that believed that is in a coma right now because she
had so much fun on the job."
Riley: "Iím not
saying that you shouldnít take your work seriously."
Buffy: "That I
should just turn my frown upside down? Is that it? I wish I could. But
this isnít the kind of gig where you can just hang it up at the end of
the night and snuggle with your honey."
Riley: "But why?
Why canít it be?"
Iíve tried it, okay? And every time it just fell apart. And then I get
sucked right back in to the Uber-evil."
to the story of the world. Things fall apart Buffy. And evil Ė it comes
and goes. But the way people manage is, they donít do it alone. They pull
each other through. If you werenít so self involved youídsee that."
Buffy: "You have
no idea what youíre talking about. You barely know me."
Riley: "I know
that itís not just a job thing. Iím sure that there is some good looking
guy that done you wrong in there, too. But mostly I think you want to stay
down in that dark place because maybe itís safer down there."
Buffy: "You are
so out of line."
Riley: "No. See
I donít think so. Look, we have an opportunity here, you and me, and the
fact that youíre to scared to even give it a try..."
Buffy: "Is my
business. So why donít you just leave me alone?"
Riley: "Fair enough."
right. Iím back. And Iím a BLOODY ANIMAL! Yeah!"
this? Sitting around watching the telly while thereís evil still a foot.
Thatís not very industrious of you. I say we go out there and kick a little
demon ass! What, canít go without your Buffy, is that it? Too chicken?
Letís find her! She is the Chosen One after all. Ė Come on! Vampires! Grrr!
Nasty! Letís annihilate them. For justice - and for - the safety of puppies
Ė and Christmas, right? Letís fight that evil! - Letís kill
something! Oh, come on!"