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Quotable BtVS: Season Three
Quotable BtVS: Season Three

Helpless

"Right, birthday. Um, actually, I, I do have a thing."
"Oh, a thing.  A date?"
"Nice attempt at casual. Actually, I do have a date.  Older man. Very handsome. He likes it when I call him 'Daddy'."
"Huh, your father.  It is your father, right?"
-Buffy and Angel

"So, how's it going with Amy the rat?"
"Good! She loves her new exercise wheel. She runs around, her nose wiggles..."
"I-I meant, how's it going changing her back into a human being?"
"Oh. Still working on it. But I just got her the cutest little bell..."
-Buffy and Willow

"Cruciamentum is not easy... for Slayer or Watcher. But it's been done this way for a dozen centuries. Whenever a Slayer turns eighteen. It's a time-honored rite of passage."
"It's an archaic exercise in cruelty. To lock her in this... tomb... weakened, defenseless.  And to unleash that on her."
"If any one of the Council still had actual contact with a Slayer, they would see, but I'm the one in the thick of it."
"Which is why you're not qualified to make this decision.  You're too close."
"That's not true."
"A Slayer is not just physical prowess. She must have cunning, imagination, a confidence derived from self-reliance. And believe me, once this is all over, your Buffy will be stronger for it."
"Or she'll be dead for it."
-Quentin Travers (from the Watcher's Council) and Giles

"You know, maybe we're on the wrong track with the whole spell, curse and whammy thing. Maybe what we should be looking for is something like, um, Slayer kryptonite."
"Faulty metaphor. Kryptonite kills."
"You're assuming I meant the green kryptonite. I was referring, of course, to the red kryptonite, which drains Superman of his powers."
"Wrong. The gold kryptonite's the power-sucker. The red kryptonite mutates Superman into some sort of weird..."
-Xander and Oz

"Angel, what if I have lost my power?"
"You lived a long time without it. You can do it again."
"I guess. But what if I can't? I've seen too much. I know what goes bump in the night. Not being able to fight it... What if I just hide under my bed, all scared and helpless? Or what if I just become pathetic? Hanging out at the old Slayer's home, talking people's ears off about my glory days, showing them Mr. Pointy, the stake I had bronzed."
"Buffy, you could never be helpless or boring, not even if you tried."
-Buffy and Angel

"I saw you before you became the Slayer."
"What?"
"I watched you, and I saw you called. It was a bright afternoon out in front of your school. You walked down the steps... and... and I loved you."
"Why?"
"'Cause I could see your heart.  You held it before you for everyone to see.  And I worried that it would be bruised ortorn.  And more than anything in my life I wanted to keep it safe... to warm it with my own."
"That's beautiful. Or taken literally, incredibly gross."
"I was just thinking that, too."
-Angel and Buffy

"When I hit him, it felt like my arm was broken, it hurt so much. I can't be just a person. I can't be helpless like that. Giles, please, we have to figure out what's happening to me.
"It's an organic compound... of muscle relaxants and adrenal suppressers. The effect is temporary. You'll be yourself again in a few days.
"You?
"It's a test, Buffy.  It's given to the Slayer once she... uh, well, if she reaches her eighteenth birthday.  The Slayer is disabled and then entrapped with a vampire foe whom she must defeat in order to pass the test.  The vampire you were to face... has escaped.  His name is Zackary Kralik. As a mortal, he murdered and tortured more than a dozen women before he was committed to an asylum for the criminally insane. When a vamp...
"You bastard. All this time, you saw what it was doing to me. All this time, and you didn't say a word!
"I wanted to.
"Liar.
"In matters of tradition and protocol, I must answer to the Council.
"My role in this... was very specific. I was to administer the injections and to direct you to the old boardinghouse on Prescott Lane.
"I can't... I can't hear this.
"Buffy, please.
"Who are you?  How could you do this to me?
"I am deeply sorry, Buffy,  and you have to understand...
"If you touch me, I'll kill you.
"You have to listen to me. Because I've told you this, the test is invalidated. You will be safe now, I promise you. Now, whatever I have to do to deal with Kralik... and to win back your trust...
"You stuck a needle in me. You poisoned me!"
-Buffy and Giles

"We're not in the business of fair, Miss Summers, we're fighting a war."
"You're waging a war. She's fighting it. There is a difference."
"Mr. Giles, if you don't mind..."
"The test is done. We're finished."
"Not quite. She passed. You didn't.  The Slayer is not the only one who must perform in this situation. I've recommended to the Council, and they've agreed, that you be relieved of your duties as Watcher immediately. You're fired."
"On what grounds?"
"Your affection for your charge has rendered you incapable of clear and impartial judgment.  You have a father's love for the child, and that is useless to the cause.  It would be best if you had no further contact with the Slayer."
"I'm not going anywhere."
"No, well, I didn't expect you would adhere to that. However, if you interfere with the new Watcher, or countermand his authority in any way, you will be dealt with. Are we clear?"
"Oh, we're very clear."
-Quentin Travers and Giles

"Well, it's just... I mean, he's been fired! He's, he's unemployed! He's... between jobs."
"Giles isn't going anywhere, Will. He's still librarian."
"Okay, but I'm writing an angry letter."
-Willow and Buffy

"Give you a hand with that, little lady?"
"You're loving this far too much."
"Admit it.  Sometimes you just need a big strong man.  Uh, Will, gimme a hand with that?"
-Xander and Buffy, trying to open a jar of peanut butter

^ take me up ^


The Zeppo

"I'm good. We're fine.  Just a little bit dirty.  Good show, everyone.  Just great. I think we have a hit."
"Are you okay?"
"Tip-top, really. If anyone sees my spine laying around, just try not to step on it."
-Xander and Willow, after Xander gets knocked out while "helping" fight demons

"Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment, distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head?"
"Yeah. That was real manly how you shrieked and all."
"I think you'll find that was more of a bellow."
-Xander and Faith

"Uh, what do we do with the trio here? Should we burn them?"
"I brought marshmallows.  Occasionally, I'm callous and strange."
-Buffy and Willow

"Uh, Xander, I think in the future perhaps it would be best if you, you, uh, h-hung back to the rear of the battle, you know, for your own sake."
"But, gee, Mr. White, if Clark and Lois get all the good stories, I'll never be a good reporter."
"Hmm?"
"Jimmy Olsen joke, sir. Pretty much gonna be lost on you, huh?"
-Giles and Xander

"What are you, retarded?"
"No! No, I had to take that test when I was seven. A little slow in some stuff, mostly math and spatial relations, but certainly not challenged or anything."
-Jack, student at Sunnydale, and Xander

"It must be really hard when all your friends have, like, superpowers -- Slayer, werewolf, witches, vampires -- and you're, like, this little nothing.  You must feel like Jimmy Olsen."
"I was just talking to... Hey, mind your own business!"
"Ooo, I struck a nerve. The boy that had no cool."
-Cordelia and Xander

"But... It's just that it's buggin' me, this 'cool' thing. I mean, what is it? How do you get it? Who doesn't have it? And who decides who doesn't have it? What is the essence of cool?"
"Not sure."
"I mean, you yourself, Oz, are considered more or less cool. Why is that?"
"Am I?"
"Is it about the talking? You know, the way you tend to express yourself in short, noncommittal phrases?"
"Could be."
"I know! You're in a band! That's like a business-class ticket to cool with complementary mojo after takeoff! I gotta learnan instrument. Is it hard to play guitar?"
"Not the way I play it."
"Okay, but on the other hand: eighth grade. I'm taking the flügelhorn and gettin' zero trim. So the whole instrument thing could be a mislead.  But you need a thing, one thing nobody else has.  What do I have?"
"An exciting new obsession. Which I feel makes you very special."
-Xander and Oz

"You girls need a lift?"
"What is this?"
"What do you mean, what is it?  It's my thing."
"Your thing?"
"My thing!"
"Is this a penis metaphor?"
-Xander, Buffy, and Willow

"A fight like that and... no kill... I'm about ready to pop."
"Really?  Pop?!"
"You up for it?"
"Oh, I'm up.  I'm suddenly very up. It's just, um... I've never been up with people before."
"Just relax... And take your pants off."
"Those two concepts are antithetical."
-Faith and Xander

"Hey! They're not baking any cake.  Long gone. Probably loaded with supplies. Gotta think.  I can't believe I had sex.  Okay, bombs.  Already-dead guys with bombs.  Oh, man, I'm outta my league!"
-Xander

"No one will ever know how close it came to stopping. Never know what we did."
"Guys..."
"Xander. Boy, you're lucky you weren't at school last night. It was crazed."
"Well, uh, gimme the quiet life."
-Willow and Xander

^ take me up ^


Bad Girls

"So, what, you're telling me never?!"
"Faith! Really, now is not the time!"
"I'm curious! Never ever?!  Come on, really. All this time, and not even once?"
"How many times do I have to say it?  I have never... done it... with Xander!"
-Faith and Buffy

"Willow, what are these?"
"They're early admission packets."
"Harvard... Yale... Wesleyan... Some German Polytechnical Institute whose name I, uh... I can't pronounce.  Is anyone else intimidated?  'Cause I'm just expecting thin slips of paper with the words 'No Way' written in crayon."
-Xander and Willow

"But it's weird. Now, rejection I can handle 'cause of the years of training, but this..."
"I feel your pain, Will. Like right now, I'm torn between the fast-growing fields of appliance repair and motel management. Of course, I'm still waiting to hear back from the, uh, Corndog Emporium, so..."
-Willow and Xander

"That's so cute! Planning life as a loser?  Most people just turn out that way, but you're really taking charge."
"The comedy stylings of Miss Cordelia Chase, everyone.  Who, uh, incidentally, won't be needing a higher education when she markets her own very successful line of hooker wear."
"Well, Xander, I could dress more like you, but, oh, my father has a job."
"I'm not gonna waste the perfect comeback on you now.  But don't think I don't have it.  Oh, yes! Its time will come!"
-Cordy and Xander

"Is he evil?"
"Not in the strictest sense."
-Buffy and Giles, talking about Wesley, the new Watcher

"I didn't get this job because of my looks."
"I really, really believe that."
-Wesley and Buffy

"New Watcher?"
"New Watcher."
"Screw that."
"Now, why didn't I just say that?"
-Faith and Buffy

"Remember the three key words for any Slayer: preparation... preparation... preparation."
"That's one word three times."
-Wesley and Buffy

"How come your eye twitches every time I say Faith's name?"
"What?  No, it doesn't."
"Faith."
"Cut it out! We got a test to take, okay? And I'm highly caffeinated, and I'm trying to concentrate. Some of us actually care about school. You know."
-Buffy and Xander

"I didn't say you had emotional problems.  I said you had an emotional problem.  It's quite different."
"My 'attachment' to the Slayer is not a problem. In point of fact, it's been a very..."
"The way you've handled this assignment is something of an embarrassment to the council."
"If you want to criticize my methods, fine. But you can keep your snide remarks to yourself. And while you're at it, don't criticize my methods."
-Wesley and Giles

"Yeah? Who's wrong now? Faith, you can shut off all the emotions that you want. But eventually, they're gonna find a body."
"Okay, this is the last time we're gonna have this conversation, and we're not even having it now, you understand me? There is no body. I took it, weighted it, and dumped it. The body doesn't exist."
"Getting rid of the evidence doesn't make the problem go away."
"It does for me."
"Faith, you don't get it. You killed a man."
"No, you don't get it.  I don't care!"
-Buffy and Faith

^ take me up ^


Consequences

"So, you gonna rat me out? Is that it?"
"Faith, we have to tell. I can't pretend to investigate this. I can't pretend that I don't know."
"Oh, I see. But you can pretend that Angel's still dead when you need to protect him."
"I am trying to protect you. Look, if-if we don't do the right thing, it's only gonna make things worse for you."
"Worse than jail for the rest of my young life? No way!"
"Faith, what we did was..."
"Yeah. We. You were right there beside me when this whole thing went down. Anything I have to answer for, you do, too. You're a part of this, B. All the way."
-Faith and Buffy

"We help people! It doesn't mean we can do whatever we want."
"Why not? The guy I offed was no Gandhi. I mean, we just saw he was mixed up in dirty dealings."
"Maybe, but what if he was coming to us for help?"
"What if he was? You're still not seeing the big picture, B.  Something made us different. We're warriors. We're built to kill."
"To kill demons! But it does not mean that we get to pass judgment on people like we're better than everybody else!"
"We are better!  That's right, better. People need us to survive.  In the balance, nobody's gonna cry over some random bystander who got caught in the crossfire."
"I am."
"Well, that's your loss."
-Buffy and Faith

"'Cause I've been letting things fester.  And I don't like it.  I wanna be fester-free."
"Yeah. Me, too."
"I mean, don't get me wrong. I-I completely understand why you and Faith have been doing the bonding thing. You guys work together. You... You should get along."
"It's more complicated than that."
"But, see, it's that exact thing that-that's just ticking me off! It's this whole 'Slayers only' attitude. I mean, since when wouldn't I understand? You, you talk to me about everything.  I-it's like all of a sudden I-I'm not cool enough for you because I can't kill things with my bare hands.  Oh! Oh, Buffy! Don't cry.  I'm sorry. I-I was too hard on you.  Sometimes I unleash. I-I don't know my own strength. I-i-it's bad. I-I-I'm bad. I'm a bad, bad, bad person."
-Willow and Buffy

"Giles, I didn't do this. I swear. Look, I know that I messed up badly, but the murder, i-it... it was..."
"Faith. I know."
"She may have many talents, Buffy, but fortunately, lying is not one of them."
"Oh. Oh, God.  I thought..."
"I'm sorry. I needed her to think that I was on her side. I don't know how far she'll take this charade."
"Try far. Like, all the way."
-Buffy and Giles

"Yeah, but we hung out a little... recently, and she seemed to be, um... responsive."
"When did you guys hang out?"
"Oh, she was fighting one of those, uh, apocalypse demon things, and I helped her. Gave her a ride home."
"And you guys talked?"
"Not extensively. No."
"Then why would you... Oh."
-Xander and Buffy

"Alright. Look, I-I know that you mean well, Xander, but, um, I-I just don't see Faith opening up to you.  She doesn't take the guys that she has a... 'connection' with very seriously. And they're, they're kind of a big joke to her. No offense."
"Oh, no! I mean, why would I be offended by that?"
-Buffy and Xander

"You and me, Faith, we're a lot alike.  Time was, I thought humans existed just to hurt each other.  But then I came here. And I found out that there are other types of people. People who genuinely wanted to do right.  And they make mistakes. And they fall down. You know, but they keep caring.  Keep trying. If you can trust us, Faith, this can all change. You don't have to disappear into the darkness."
-Angel

"Can I... I-I'm just wondering. Why?  I'm not the most objective, I know. I kind of have an issue with Faith sharing my people. But she murdered someone and accused Buffy. Then she hurt Xander. I hate to say it, but maybe she belongs behind bars."
-Willow, questioning the plan to rescue Faith from Wesley and the Council

"I've seen it, B. You've got the lust. And I'm not just talking about screwing vampires."
"Don't you dare bring him into this."
"It was good, wasn't it? The sex? The danger? Bet a part of you even dug him when he went psycho."
"No!"
-Faith and Buffy

"You sent your boy to kill me."
"That's right, I did."
"He's dust."
"I thought he might be. What with you standing here and all."
"I guess that means you have a job opening."
-Faith and Mayor Wilkins

^ take me up ^


Doppelgangland

"For a thousand years I wielded the powers of The Wish. I brought ruin to the heads of unfaithful men. I brought forth destruction and chaos for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshipped across the mortal globe.  And now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High.  Mortal. Child. And I'm flunking math."
-Anya, talking to a high demon

"Well, they've got us running around on the physical side, too. A lot of reflex evaluation and precision training, you know. I-I just... Well, I-I wanna do..."
"Better than Faith?"
"So very shallow."
"Competition is natural and healthy. Plus, you'll definitely ace her on the psych tests. Just don't mark the box that says, 'I sometimes like to kill people.'"
-Buffy and Willow, talking about the tests that Wesley is making the Slayers go through

"No Slayer of mine is gonna live in a fleabag hotel. That place has a very unsavory reputation. There are immoral liaisons going on there."
"Yeah, plus all the screwing. This place is the kick!"
-Mayor Wilkins and Faith

"Willow, did you remember to tape Biography last Friday?"
"Uh-huh."
"See, I told you. Old Reliable."
-Xander, Willow, and Buffy

"No, it's fine. I'm 'Old Reliable'."
"She just means, you know, the geyser. You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals."
"That's Old Faithful."
"Isn't that the dog that, that the guy had to shoot..."
"That's Old Yeller."
-Willow and Xander

"I swear, I am just trying to find my necklace."
"Well, did you try looking inside the sofa in Hell?"
-Anya and Willow

"Xander!"
"Will, changing the look not an idle threat with you."
"You're alive!"
"Uh... Will, this is verging on naughty touching here.  Don't wanna fall back on bad habits.  Hands! Hands in new places!"
-Evil Willow and Xander

"It's really nice that you guys missed me.  Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs, did ya?"
-Willow, when Buffy and the others hug her after they discover she isn't a vampire

"It was exactly you, Will, every detail. Except for your not being a dominatrix.  As far as we know."
"Oh, right. Me and Oz play 'Mistress of Pain' every night."
"Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?"
-Buffy, Willow, and Xander

"Buffy, I... I just... Something's happened that... Willow's dead.  Hey, Willow.  Wait a second."
"We're right there with you, buddy."
-Angel and Xander

"But I don't know... I kinda like the idea of the two of us."
"We could be quite a team, if you came around to my way of thinking."
"Would that mean we have to snuggle?"
"What do you say?  Wanna be bad?"
"This just can't get more disturbing.  Ack! Ew! No more! You're really starting to freak me out!"
-Evil Willow and Willow

"It's horrible! That's me as a vampire?  I'm so evil and... skanky.  And I think I'm kinda gay."
"Willow, just remember, a vampire's personality has nothing to do with the person it was."
"Well, actually... That's a good point."
-Willow, Buffy, and Angel, talking about Evil Willow

"You wanna go out tonight?"
"Strangely, I feel like staying at home... and doing my homework... and flossing... and dying a virgin."
"You know, you can O.D. on virtue."
"Between me and my evil self, I've got double guilt coupons. I see now where the path of vice leads. I mean, she messed up everything she touched. I don't ever want to be like that."
-Buffy and Willow

^ take me up ^


Enemies

"That was very ... artistic."
"Yeah."
"Wasn't what I expected. I've never actually seen... Well, from the title I thought it was about food."
"Well there was food."
"Right. The, the scene with the, the food. So, feel like getting some hot chocolate? Or some cold shower?"
"I'm sorry. I wanted to take you out somewhere fun. It's been a long time since I've been to the movies. They changed."
"A little scary. And a little not, which is also scary. I'm sorry. I just, I don't like getting you worked up like that. We can't actually do any of those things. You'd lose your soul. Besides, I don't even own a kimono."
"Buffy, you don't have to worry about me."
"Just don't like to rub your nose in it. Suddenly wondering where that expression comes from."
"Look, I don't need to see movies to get worked up. Just being around you does that just fine. Doesn't mean that I'm gonna lose control, that I'm going to be frustrated around you. It feels nice, just to feel."
"It doesn't drive you crazy, when we're close?"
"Watch this. See? Safe as houses."
-Buffy and Angel

"I like good, positive, up thoughts. If you fail me in that way. Well, you know, replacing Mr. Trick was chore enough.  Oh, come on, don't worry. Drink up. There's nothing uncool about healthy teeth and bones."
-The Mayor, talking to Faith

"Demons after money. Whatever happened to the still beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards anymore."
-Giles

"Got the address. I beat it out of Willy the snitch personally."
"You beat up Willy?"
"Sure! Well, actually, let's just say I applied some pressure. Or more accurately, that I asked politely, and then, uh, okay, I bribed him."
-Xander and Buffy

"Twenty-eight bucks. Does the Council reimburse for that kind of stuff?"
"Did you get a receipt?"
"Damn."
-Xander and Giles, talking about the money Xander used to bride Willy

"Look, I know you only did what I asked. And we, we got what we wanted."
"I never wanted it to go that far."
"I know that. It's not even a question of that. It's just, after ... I need a little bit of a break. Please."
"You still my girl?"
"Always."
-Buffy and Angel

^ take me up ^


Earshot   The thoughts that Buffy hears in her mind are in yellow.

"I don't like this no mouth thing.  It's disquieting."
"Well, no mouth means no teeth . . . unless they have them somewhere else."
-Willow and Buffy

"Hogan Martin thinks he's sooo hot! Like we should  all be awed by him 'cause he put a ball in the net."
"Hey, Xander!"
"He said my name!!  He said my name!!"
-Xander and Hogan

"Is it just me or is this really lame?"
"I don't know. I usually enjoy lameness, but this is leaving me kinda cold."
-Buffy and Oz, talking about the pep rally

"I'm suddenly gonna grow this demon part, and we don't even know what it it.  I mean, it could be claws, or scales . . . what?"
"Was it a boy demon?"
-Buffy and Willow

"They really are very good."
"Their spelling has improved."
"You know Oz, I look at all this beauty, and these health young women and I wonder why I ever wasted my time on Cordelia. I mean, look at her....she's no better looking than the rest of them."
"None of them are really my..."
"Oh my god!! He's looking at her! He's got his filthy, adult, pierce-brosny eyes all over my Cordy!"
"You're a very complex man, aren't you?"
-Xander and Oz

"Hey, I won't let anything happen to you if I can help it. No matter what, I'll always be with you. Hey I'll love you even if you're covered in slime."
"I liked everything till that part."
-Angel and Buffy

"It was intense."
"Yeah for a minute I thought you were gonna make an expression."
"I felt one coming on, I won't lie."
-Oz and Xander

"Is this the thing? The aspect thing? Because I have to say if it is, it is way better than a tail. I mean, I have a hard enough time finding jeans that fit right."
"Buffy, slow down. I'm not even convinced that this is genuine mind reading. Your, your most likely projecting your..."
"When I walked in a few minutes ago, you thought 'Look at her shoes. If a fashion magazine told her to, she'd wear cats strapped to her feet.'"
-Buffy and Giles

"Kissing her meant nothing. I don't want a bad girl I've done that before. I've lived a long time Buffy, and I'm past that. I've been with dozens of girls like her. More."
"Ohh, this honesty stuff is funnn."
"I mean, there's no comparison. In 243 years, I've loved exactly one person."
"Oh....it is me right?
"Next time, just ask."
"OK"
"And Buffy, be careful with this gift. A lot of things that seem strong and good and powerful, they can be painful."
"Like, say, immortality?"
"Yeah, I'm dying to get rid of that."
"Funny"
"I'm a funny guy."
-Angel and Buffy

"I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me and she becomes me and I cease to exist. Hmm."
-Oz

"What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time. Sex! Help! 4 times 5 is 30. 5 times 6 is 32. Naked girls! Naked woman! Naked Buffy! Oh, stop me!"
"God Xander! Is that all you think about?!"
"Actually.....bye!"
-Xander and Buffy

"Xander has just illustrated something. Chances are you will all be thinking what you least want Buffy to hear. It's a question, of course, of mental discipline."
"He's right."
"Look at Cordelia. No don't look at Cordelia! She's a student. Oh, I'm a bad man. I'm a bad, bad man! Excuse me."
-Wesley and Giles

"No one else exists either. Buffy is all of us. We think therefore she exists."
-Oz

"If you don't need me, I'm gonna follow the red-head."
-Oz

"I'm still having problems with the fact that one of us is just gonna gun everyone down for no reason."
"Yeah, because that never happens at American high schools."
"It's bordering on trendy at this point."
-Xander, Cordy and Oz

"Come sit with me. Why are you.....You had sex with Giles!?!?! YOU HAD SEX WITH GILES?!?!?"
"It was the candy! We were teenagers!"
"On the hood of a police car?!?!?!"
"I'll be downstairs, you feel better."
"TWICE?!?!?"
-Buffy and Joyce

"OK. I've taken our list and narrowed it down to a dozen strong suspects. Here are your personalized assignments."
"Oooh, I was hoping there would be an assignments."
-Willow and Xander

"I think I should work with Wesley."
"You have no shame."
"Oh, please. Like shame is something to be proud of."
-Cordy and Xander

"Be quiet! Sorry, but, but this is important. Talk to everyone on your list. And use the sample questions....... Today people!....Oh, write neatly. And label your worksheet."
-Willow

"Hi Mr. Beech. I was just wondering, were you planning on killing a bunch of people tomorrow? Oh, its for the yearbook!"
-Cordy

"So, turn-offs include smoking, insensitive men and birkenstocks. Now, your idea of the perfect romantic evening? Katie, let's start with you..."
-Xander

"I'm just saying, its gotta be frustrating having the secret. You gotta be kinda filling up with resentment....unexpressed rage, just waiting to burst out. Today at lunch..."
"What secret? Being gay? Man, I'm out. I'm so out I got my grandma fixing me up with guys!"
"That's um...nice."
"But it sounds like you're having a rough time with it. Look, just do it. You know that weird Freddy Iverson guy that does the school paper?"
"He's gay?"
"No dude. But I bet he'd put in like a 'coming-out' announcement for you. Something tasteful."
-Xander and Larry

"You know what? I was wrong. You are an idiot. My life happens, on occasion, to suck beyond the telling of it. Sometimes more than I can handle. Oh, it's not just mine. Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they are dealing with their own.  The beautiful ones. The popular ones. The guys that pick on you. Everyone. If you could hear what they are feeling. The loneliness. The confusion. It looks quiet down there. Its not. Its deafening."
-Buffy, talking to Jonathan

"So you feeling better about Angel?"
"Well, we talked, he cut out the heart of a demon and fed it to me....and then we talked some more."
"See! That's how it should work!"
-Willow and Buffy

"I'm glad to see you've recovered from your psychic encounter more or less intact. Feel up to some training?"
"Sure. We can work out after school....you know, if you're not too busy having sex with my MOTHER!"
-Giles and Buffy, right before Giles runs into a tree

^ take me up ^


Choices

Buffy: "You never take me any place new."
Angel: "What about that fire demon nest in the cave by the beach? I felt that was a nice change of pace."
Buffy: "So this is our future? This is how we're going to spend our nights when I'm fifty and you're ... the same age you are now."
Angel: "Let's just get you to fifty."
Buffy: "Liking that plan."

Snyder: "Okay, what's in the bag?"
Student: "My lunch."
Snyder: "Is that the new drug lingo?"
Student: "No, it's my lunch."

Xander: "Everything in life is foreign territory. Kerouac. He's my teacher. The open road is my school."
Buffy: "Making the open dumpster your cafeteria?"
Xander: "Go ahead, mock me."
Oz: "I think she just did."
Xander: "We Bohemian anti-establishment types have always been persecuted."
Oz: "Well, sure. You're all so weird."

Buffy: "Looks like a job for Wiccan girl. What do you say, Will? Big time danger."
Willow: "Hey, I eat danger for breakfast."
Xander: "But oddly enough, she panics in the face of breakfast foods."

Xander: "Well, how can you tell which is which? I mean, they both look kinda stick-figurey to me."
Oz: "Well, this one's me. See the little guitar."
Xander: "Oh, gotcha."
Oz: "Nobody like my Willow."
Xander: "No sir, there is not."

Faith: "Oh yeah? Give me the speech again, please. Faith, we're still your friends. We can help you. It's not too late."
Willow: "It's way too late. You know, it didn't have to be this way. But you made your choice. I know you had a tough life. I know that some people think you had a lot of bad breaks. Well, boo hoo! Poor you. You know, you had a lot more in your life than some people. I mean, you had friends in your life like Buffy. Now you have no one. You were a Slayer and now you're nothing. You're just a big selfish, worthless waste."
Faith: "You hurt me, I hurt you. I'm just a little more efficient."
Willow: "Aw, here I just thought you didn't have a come-back."

Mayor: "So you're the little girl that's been causing me all this trouble. She's pretty, Angel. A little skinny. Still don't understand why it couldn't work out with you  and my Faith. Guess you kind of just have strange taste in women."
Angel: "Well, what can I say? I like them sane."

Willow: "Sunnydale's not bad. A-And I can design my own curriculum."
Buffy: "Okay, well, there are safer schools. There are safer prisons. I can't let you stay because of me."
Willow: "Actually, this isn't about you. Although I'm fond, don't get me wrong, of you. The other night, you know, being captured and all, facing off with Faith. Things just, kind of, got clear. I mean, you've been fighting evil here for three years, and I've helped some, and now we're supposed to decide what we want to do with our lives. And I just realized that that's what I want to do. Fight evil, help people. I mean, I-I think it's worth doing. And I don't think you do it because you have to. It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in."
Buffy: "I kind of love you."

Buffy: "I don't know what the Mayor was talking about. How could he know anything about us?"
Angel: "Well, he's evil."
Buffy: "Big time. He doesn't even know what a lasting relationship is.'
Angel: "No."
Buffy: "Probably the only lasting relationship he's ever had is with evil."
Angel: "Yeah."
Buffy: "Big, stupid, evil guy. We'll be okay."
Angel: "We will."

^ take me up ^


The Prom

Buffy: "What? Do I have funny bed hair or something?"
Angel: "Or something?"
Buffy: "I guess we got a little carried away with the whole post-slayage nap thing. Ohhh, not good."
Angel: "Where you going?"
Buffy: "To go kill a cat on my head."

Anya: "You know, you can laugh, but I have witnessed a millenium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them."
Xander: "Then why you talking to me?"
Anya: "I don't have a date for the prom."
Xander: "Well gosh. I wonder why not. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with your sales pitch?"
Anya: "Men are evil. Will you go with me?"
Xander: "One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which."

Oz: "Anya, huh? Interesting choice."
Xander: "Choice is kind of a broad term for my situation. See, it's either Anya or the sock puppet of love for this boy. [Speaking as the sock puppet] 'I love you, Xander. I'll never leave you.'"
Willow: "Well, if Anya tries to get you killed, put me down for a big 'I told you so.'"
Xander: [Puppet] "'Who's this Anya? Is she prettier than me?'"

Buffy: "Well, at least we all have someone to go with now. Some of us are going with demons, but I think that's a valid lifestyle choice. More importantly, I have the kick dress."
Willow: "Ooh, the pink one?"
Buffy: "Angel's gonna lose it. But not his soul. He's gonna lose it. His it."

Buffy: "So it was blue and sorta short."
Willow: "Not too short, medium. And it had this weird, sorta fringey  stuff on its arms."
Giles: "What's that, a demon?"
Buffy: "A prom dress that Will was thinking of getting. Can't you ever get your mind out of the hellmouth?"

Xander: I myself am dipping into my road trip fund to procure a shiny new tux, so look for me to dazzle."
Giles: And I myself will be wearing pink taffeta as chenille would not go with my complection. Can we please talk about the Ascension?"

Angel: "I've been thinking... about our future. And the more I do, the more I feel like us, you and me being together, is unfair to you."
Buffy: "Is this about what the Mayor said? Because he was just trying to shake us up."
Angel: "He was right."
Buffy: "No. No, he wasn't. He's the bad guy."
Angel: "You deserve more. You deserve something outside of demons and darkness. You should be with someone who can take you into the light. Someone who can make love to you."
Buffy: "I don't care about that."
Angel: "You will. And children."
Buffy: "Children? Can you say jumping the gun? I kill my goldfish."
Angel: "Today. But you have no idea how fast it goes, Buffy. Before you know it, you'll want it all, a normal life."
Buffy: "I'll never have a normal life."
Angel: "Right, you'll always be a Slayer. But that's all the more reason why you should have a real relationship instead of this,
this freak show. I didn't mean that."
Buffy: "I'm gonna go."
Angel: "I'm sorry. Buffy, you know how much I love you. It kills me to say this."
Buffy: "Then don't. Who are you to tell me what's right for me? You think I haven't thought about this? "
Angel: "Have you, rationally?"
Buffy: "No. No, of course not. I'm just some swoony little schoolgirl, right?"
Angel: "I'm trying to do what's right here, okay? I'm trying to think with my head instead of my heart."
Buffy: "Heart? You have a heart? It isn't even beating!"
Angel: "Don't."
Buffy: "Don't what? Don't love you? I'm sorry. You know what? I didn't know that I got a choice in that. I'm never gonna change. I can't change. I want my life to be with you."
Angel: "I don't."
Buffy: "You don't want to be with me? I can't believe you're breaking up with me."
Angel: "It doesn't mean that I don't ..."
Buffy: "How am I supposed to stay away from you?"
Angel: "I'm leaving. After the Ascension, after it's finished with the Mayor and Faith. If we survive, I'll go."
Buffy: "Where?"
Angel: "I don't know."
Buffy: "Is this really happening?"

Willow: "Well, he's a fool. He's just a big, dumb, jerk person if you ask me. And he's a super-maxi-jerk for doing it right before the prom."
Buffy: "It's not his fault. He's 243 years old. He doesn't exactly get the prom."
Willow: "But he should, if ..."
Buffy: "Will, it's okay. You don't have to make him the bad guy."
Willow: "But that's the best friend's job, vilifying and grousing."
Buffy: "Usually, yeah. But he's right. I mean, I think, maybe in the long run, that he's right."
Willow: "Yeah, I think he is. I mean, I tried to hope for the best, but... I'm sorry. It must be horrible."
Buffy: "I think horrible is still coming. Right now, it's worse. Right now, I'm just trying to keep from dying."
Willow: "Oh Buffy."
Buffy: "I can't breathe, Will. I feel like I can't breathe."

Buffy: "You guys are going to have a prom. The kind of prom that everyone should have. I'm going to give you all a nice, fun, normal evening if I have to kill every single person on the face of the earth to do it."
Xander: "Yay?"

Giles: Angel's not taking you, is he?"
Buffy: Angel's leaving me. He's leaving town."
Giles: Oh, Buffy, I'm sorry. I don't really know what to say. Um, I understand that this sort of thing requires ice cream of some kind?"
Buffy: Ice cream will come. First, I want to take out psycho boy."
Giles: You sure?"
Buffy: The great thing about being a Slayer, kicking ass is comfort food."

Anya: "So then this one time, this girl wished her ex would cannibalize himself. Even I had a hard time watching that, let me tell you."
Xander: "Cordelia! Wesley! My god in heaven, it's good to see you. How are you both? And details, please."
Wesley: "Very well, thank you."
Cordelia: "Yes, thank you."
Xander: "It looks good on you."
Cordelia: "Well, duh."

Jonathan: "We have one more award to give out. Is Buffy Summers here tonight? Did she, um...  This is actually a new category. First time ever. I guess there were a lot of write-in ballots, and, um, the prom committee asked me to read this. 'We're not good friends. Most of us never found the time to get to know you, but that doesn't mean we haven't noticed you. We don't talk about it much, but it's no secret that Sunnydale High isn't really like other high schools. A lot of weird stuff happens here.'"
Crowd outbursts: "Zombies! Hyena people! Snyder!"
Jonathan: "'But, whenever there was a problem or something creepy happened, you seemed to show up and stop it. Most of the people here have been saved by you, or helped by you at one time or another. We're proud to say that the Class of '99 has the lowest mortality rate of any graduating class in Sunnydale history. And we know at least part of that is because of you. So the senior class, offers its thanks, and gives you, uh, this.' It's from all of us, and it has written here, 'Buffy Summers, Class Protector.'"

Welsey: "Mr. Giles. I'd like your opinion. While the last thing I want to do is muddle bad behavior in front of impressionable youth, I wonder if asking Miss Chase to dance would..."
Giles: "For God's sake, man, she's eighteen. And you have the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone. Just have at it, would you, and stop fluttering about."
Wesley: "Right, then. Thanks for that."

Giles: "You did good work tonight, Buffy."
Buffy: "And I got a little toy surprise."
Giles: "I had no idea that children en masse could be gracious."
Buffy: "Every now and then, people surprise you."
Giles: "Every now and then."

Buffy: "I never thought you'd come."
Angel: "It's a big night. I didn't want to miss it. It's just tonight. It doesn't mean that I ..."
Buffy: "I know. I mean, I understand."
Angel: "Dance with me?"

^ take me up ^


Graduation Day (Part 1)

Xander: "I'm telling you. I woke up the other day with this feeling in my gut. I just know there's no way I'm getting out of this school alive."
Cordelia: "Wow, you've really mastered the power of positive giving-up."
Xander: "I've been lucky too many times. My number's coming up. And I was short! One more rotation and I'm shipping state-side, you know what I mean?"
Cordelia: "Seldom if ever."

Willow: "Oh, I'm gonna miss her."
Buffy: "Don't you hate her?"
Willow: "Yes, with a fiery vengeance. She picked on me for ten years, the vacuous tramp. It's like a sickness, Buffy. "I'm just missing everything. I miss P.E."
Buffy: "I think it's contagious. The whole senior class has turned into the Sixties, or what I would have imagined the Sixties would have been like without the war and the hairy armpits."

Xander: "Guess who our commencement speaker is?"
Willow: "Siegfried?"
Xander: "No."
Willow: "Roy?"
Xander: "No."
Willow: "One of the tigers?"
Xander: "Come out of the fantasy, Will."

Anya: "So, I was wondering, maybe if you were free this weekend, maybe we could do some entertaining thing."
Xander: "Would that be along the lines of you telling me about all the men you destroyed back in your demon days? Cause pencil me in."
Anya: "Well, we could do something else you like. We could watch sports of some kind."
Xander: "Uh, I don't know."
Anya: "Men like sports. I'm sure of it."
Xander: "Yes. Men like sports. Men watch the action move, they eat of the beef, and enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs and that's all you've learned?"

Cordelia: "What's her saga?"
Xander: "She's freaking."
Cordelia: "About what?"
Xander: "The Mayor is going to kill us all during graduation."
Cordelia: "Oh. Are you going to go to fifth period?"
Xander: "I'm thinking I might skip it."
Cordelia: "Me too."

Angel: "Are you mad at me for being around too much or for not being around enough?"
Buffy: "Duh. Yes. "
Angel: "Which?"
Buffy: "What?"
Angel: "I don't get you."
Buffy: "No, you don't, not anymore."
Angel: "Are you just making this harder to make this easier on yourself?"
Buffy: "Could we stop with the brain-teasers? I just wish it was over, done."
Angel: "It's not that simple. I mean, once the Mayor ..."
Buffy: "I know, world in peril and we have to work together. This is my last office romance, I'll tell you that."
Angel: "I'll get out of your face."
Buffy: "Isn't it even a little hard for you?"
Angel: "How can you ask me that? Just because I'm not acting like a brat doesn't mean I don't feel..."
Buffy: "It's nice to know what you thing of me!"
Angel: "What do you expect me to say when you just attack?"
Buffy: "I just can't do this anymore. I can't have you in my life when I'm trying to move on."

Wesley: "The Council's orders are to concentrate on ..."
Buffy: "Orders? I don't think I'm gonna be taking any more orders. Not from you, not from them."
Wesley: "You can't turn your back on the Council."
Buffy: "They're in England. I don't think they can tell which way my back is facing."
Wesley: "Giles, talk to her."
Giles: "I've nothing to say right now."
Buffy: "Wesley, go back to your Council and tell them, until the next Slayer comes along, they can close up shop. I'm not working for them anymore."
Wesley: "Don't you see what's happening? Faith poisoned Angel to distract you, to keep you out of the Mayor's way, and it's working. You need a strategy."
Buffy: "I have a strategy. You're not in it."
Wesley: "This is mutiny."
Buffy: "I like to think of it as graduation."

Oz: "The only way to cure this thing is to drain the blood of a Slayer."
Buffy: "Good."
Xander: "Good? What did I miss?"
Buffy: "No, it's perfect. Angel needs to drain a Slayer, then I'll bring him one."
Willow: "Buffy, if Angel drains Faith's blood, it'll kill her."
Buffy: "Not if she's already dead."

Xander: "I don't mean to play devil's advocate here, but are you sure you're up to this?"
Buffy: "It's time. "
Xander: "We're talking to the death."
Buffy: "I can't play kid games anymore. This is how she wants it."
Xander: "I just don't want to lose you."
Buffy: "I won't get hurt."
Xander: "That's not what I mean."

Buffy: "What's the matter? All that killing, you afraid to die?"
Faith: "That's mine."
Buffy: "You're about to get it back."
Faith: "Man, I'm going to miss this. ... You did it. ... You killed me. ... Still won't help your boy,though. Shoulda been there, B, quite a ride."

^ take me up ^


Graduation Day (Part 2)

Xander: "Cordy! What's up?"
Cordelia: "I demand an explanation."
Xander: "For what?"
Cordelia: "Wesley."
Xander: "Uh ... Inbreeding?"
Cordelia: "So very funny. Any minute I'm sure to laugh.

Oz: "Any change?"
Willow: "He's delirious. He thought I was Buffy."
Oz: "You too, huh?"

Cordelia: "I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan."
Oz: "We attack the Mayor with humus."
Cordelia: "I stand corrected."

Buffy: "Well, I'm going to need every single one of you on board. Especially you Xander. You're sort of the key figure here."
Xander: "Key? Me? Okay, - pride, - humility, - and here's the mind numbing fear.

Cordelia: "Of course, that's it. We attack him with germs!"
Buffy: "Great, we'll corner him and then you can sneeze on him."
Cordelia: "No! No, we'll get a box with the Ebola virus and... and.... Or it doesn't even have to be real, we can just get a box that says Ebola on it and... umm chase him... with the box..."
Xander: "I'm starting to lean towards the humus offensive."
Oz: "He'll never see it coming."

Angel: "That puts me back into the game."
Buffy: "Yea, it does. You and Xander are going to have to work together now. Can you guys handle that?"
Xander: "But I'm still key-guy, right?"
Buffy: "Right."
Xander: "Then Angel, - in his non key-guy capacity, - can work with me."
Angel: "What fun."
Xander: "Hey! Key-guy is still talking..."
Buffy: "Oh, that's good! Start bickering. That's going to look great for us. You guys are like little old ladies!"

Angel: "I'm not going to say good-bye. If we get through this... - I'm just going to go. You understand? There's just too much to..."

Buffy: "I haven't processed everything yet. (with a small laugh) My brain isn't really functioning on the higher levels. It's pretty much: fire bad; tree pretty."
Giles: "Understandable. Well, when it's working again congratulate it on a good campaign. You did very well."
Buffy: "Thank you. I will."
Giles: "I ah - I managed to fish this out of the wreckage. Now, it may not interest you, but... I'd say you earned it."
Giles: "There is a certain dramatic irony that's attached to all this. A Synchronicity that borders on - on predestination, one might say."
Buffy: "Fire bad; tree pretty.'
Giles: "Yes, s-sorry. I'm going to see to Wesley, see if he's - is still -  whimpering."

Oz: "Guys take a moment to deal with this - we survived."
Buffy: "It was a hell of a battle!"
Oz: "Not the battle, high school. ... We're taking a moment ... and we're done."


The Usual
The Usual

Random Quotage:

The earth is definitely doomed.
-Giles (Chosen)


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Buffy the Vampire Slayer - The Chosen Collection (Seasons 1-7) BtVS - The Chosen Collection (Seasons 1-7)


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