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School Hard Quotes
School Hard Quotes

Snyder: Well, it is quite a match between you two. On the one hand, Buffy hasn't stabbed a horticulture teacher with a trowel.
Sheila: I didn't stab anyone with a trowel. They were pruning shears.
Snyder: On the other hand, Sheila has never burned down a school building.
Buffy: W-well, that was never proven. The Fire Marshall said i-it coulda been mice.
Snyder: Mice.
Buffy: M-mice that were smoking?

Xander: Well, Sheila's definitely intense. That guy with her? That's the guy she can bring home to mother.
Willow: She was already smoking in fifth grade. Once I was lookout for her.
Xander: You're bad to the bone.
Willow: I'm a rebel.

Buffy: Do you think any other Slayers ever had to go to high school?
Xander: It's no biggie. You'll have a nice soire'e. The parents will love it. As long as nothing really bad happens between now and then, you'll be fine.
Buffy: Are you crazy? What did you say that for? Now something bad is gonna happen!
Xander: Whadaya mean? Nothing's gonna happen.
Willow: Not until some dummy says, 'as long as nothing bad happens.'
Buffy: It's the ultimate jinx!
Willow: What were you thinking? Or were you even thinking at all?

Vampire #1: Yes. This weekend, the night of St. Vigeous, our power shall be at its peak. When I kill her, it'll be the greatest event since the crucifixion. And I should know. I was there.
Spike: You were there? Oh, please! If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock.
Vampire #1: I oughta rip your throat out.
Spike: I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flowerperson, and I spent the next six hours watchin' my hand move.

Drusilla: This one has power. I could feel it from the outside.
Spike: Yeah. He's the big noise in these parts. Anointed, and all that.
Drusilla: Do you like daisies? Hmm? I plant them, but they always die. Everything I put in the ground withers and dies.

Joyce: So, what do you think your teachers are gonna tell me about?
Buffy: Well, I think they'll all agree that I always bring a pen to class, ready to absorb the knowledge.
Joyce: And, uh, this absorption rate? How is it reflected in your homework and test scores?
Buffy: What can you really tell about a person from a test score?
Joyce: Whether or not she's ever going out with her friends again.
Buffy: Oh, that.

Joyce: Look, sweetheart. Life is more than grades and homework and not getting kicked out of school.
Buffy: I know.
Joyce: But we moved once because of you getting in trouble. And I had to start a new business, not to mention a new life in a whole new town.
Buffy: And you don't wanna do it again.
Joyce: What I don't want is to be disappointed in you again.
Buffy: Mom, that's the last thing that I want, too. I'm trying, I really am. I just... I have a lot of pressure on me right now.
Joyce: Wait till you get a job. Sleep tight.
Buffy: I have a job.

Giles: There is nothing in the chronicles about a-an extraneous lunar cycle.
Jenny: The Order never accurately calculated the Mesopotamian Calendar. Rupert, you have got to read something that was published after 1066.
Giles: Very funny.

Giles: W-um, Ms. Calendar has been researching, well, uh, surfing on her computer, a-and she's... Well, according to her calculations, this Saturday is the night of St. Vigeous.
Buffy: Let me guess: he didn't make balloon animals.
Giles: No, he led a crusade, of, of, uh, vampires. They swept through Edessa, Harran, and points east.
Jenny: And they didn't leave much behind.
Buffy: Well, if I survive Parent-Teacher night tomorrow, I'll see what I can do about Saturday.
Giles: You're being a tad flip, don't you think? This is serious.
Buffy: And getting kicked out of school is laughs aplenty?
Giles: You know what happens when you, you let your life interfere with your slaying.
Buffy: Okay, well, if my slaying doesn't get me expelled, then I promise my banner making won't get me killed, okay? Just please let me get through this week.

Giles: This Saturday's going to need a great deal of preparation.
Willow: Well, we'll help.
Xander: Yeah, I'll whittle stakes.
Willow: A-and I can research stuff.
Xander: And while I'm whittling, I plan to whistle a jaunty tune.

Buffy: La vache... doit me... touche... de la... jeudi. Was it wrong? Should I use the plural?
Willow: No. But you said, 'The cow should touch me from Thursday.'
Buffy: Maybe that's what I was feeling.
Willow: And you said it wrong.
Buffy: Oh, je stink.

Xander: Guys, I'm all alone out there. Somebody has to dance with me.
Willow: Well, we are studying.
Xander: C'mon, one dance. You've been studying nearly twelve minutes.
Buffy: No wonder my brain's fried.

Spike: Nice work, love.
Buffy: Who are you?
Spike: You'll find out on Saturday.
Buffy: What happens on Saturday?
Spike: I kill you.

Xander: So, this night of St. Vigeous deal. If they're gonna attack in force, aren't we thinkin' vacation?
Willow: We can't run, that would be wrong. Could we hide? I mean, if that Spike guy is leading the attack, yeeehehehe.
Giles: Well, he can't be any worse than any other creature you've faced.
Angel: He's worse. Once he starts something he doesn't stop until everything in his path is dead.
Xander: Hmm. So, he's thorough, goal-oriented.

Buffy: We were at the Bronze before. Thought you said you might show.
Angel: You said you weren't sure if you were going.
Buffy: I was being cool. C'mon, you've been dating for, what, like, two hundred years? You don't know what a girl means when she says maybe she'll show?
Willow: Wow, two centuries of dating. If you only had two a year, that's still, like, four hundred dates with four hundred different... Why do they call it a mace?

Giles: Angel, do you know if this Spike fellow goes under any other name?
Xander: Okay, that's it. I'm puttin' a collar with a little bell on that guy.

Drusilla: Miss Edith speaks out of turn. She's a bad example, and will have no cakes today. Shhhh.
Spike: Darling, are you going to eat something?
Drusilla: I'm not hungry. I miss Prague.
Spike: You nearly died in Prague. Idiot mob. This is the place for us. The Hellmouth will restore you, put color in your cheeks, metaphorically speaking, and in a few week's time...
Drusilla: The stars will align, and smile down on us.

Giles: For three nights the unholy ones scourge themselves into a fury, um, culminating in a savage attack on the night of St. Vigeous.
Xander: Does anybody remember when Saturday night meant date night?
Cordelia: You sure don't.

Cordelia: My fingers are cramping. How long have I been doing this?
Xander: Three minutes.
Cordelia: So, can I go now? She doesn't need this many stakes. I mean, if this guy Spike is as mean as you all said, it should be over pretty quickly. We're still all rooting for you on Saturday. I'd be there for you myself if I didn't have a leg wax.

Willow: What kinda punch did you make?
Buffy: Uh, lemonade. I made it fresh and everything.
Willow: How much sugar did you use?
Buffy: Sugar?

Cordelia: You're starting to look a little slagged. What, are you just skipping foundation entirely now?
Buffy: Cordelia, I have at least three lives to contend with, none of which really mesh. It's kind of like oil and water and a... third unmeshable thing.
Cordelia: Yeah, and I can see the oil. Is that your mom? Now that is a woman that knows how to moisturize. Did it, like, skip a generation?

Buffy: He didn't look very happy.
Willow: But you did such a good job.
Cordelia: When they're done talking...
Buffy: What?
Cordelia: My guess? Tenth high school reunion, you'll still be grounded.
Willow: Cordelia, have some lemonade.

Giles: Oh, there you are.
Jenny: There who is?
Giles: Our new friend Spike. He's known as 'William the Bloody'. Earned his nickname by torturing his victims with railroad spikes. Very pleasant. Well, here's some good news: he's barely two hundred. He's not even as old as Angel is. Oh.
Xander: That's a bad look, right?
Giles: I think your suggestion of running away this Saturday might've been a good one. Spike has fought two Slayers in the last century, and... he's killed them both.

Man: Who are those people, and what do they want?
Joyce: I didn't get much of a look, but is there something wrong with their faces? I...
Snyder: Yes! PCP! It's a gang on PCP! We've gotta get out of here.
Buffy: You can't go outside! They'll kill you!
Snyder: You don't tell me! I tell you!
Buffy: They will kill everybody in this room. Nobody goes out, nobody comes in until I say so. Do you hear me?
Snyder: Who do you think you are?
Buffy: I'm the one that knows how to stop them.

Joyce: Why don't you sit down?
Snyder: This is my school. What I say goes, and I say this is not happening.
Joyce: Well, then I guess the danger's over!
Man: I'm not waiting for them to open the doors. I'm gettin' out!
Joyce: Don't be an idiot!
Snyder: I'm beginning to see a certain mother-daughter resemblance.

Spike: Angelus!
Angel: Spike!
Spike: I'll be damned!
Angel: I taught you to always guard your perimeter. Tsk, tsk, tsk. You should have someone out there.
Spike: I did. I'm surrounded by idiots. What's new with you?
Angel: Everything.
Spike: Yeah. Come up against this Slayer yet?
Angel: She's cute. Not too bright, though. Gave the puppy dog 'I'm all tortured' act. Keeps her off my back when I feed!
Spike: People still fall for that Anne Rice routine. What a world!
Xander: I knew you were lying. Undead liar guy.
Angel: Wanna bite before we kill her?

Spike: No, you never were. So, why're you so scared of this Slayer?
Angel: Scared?
Spike: Yeah. Time was you would've taken her out in a heartbeat. Now look at you. I bet this, uh, tortured thing is an act, right? You're not... housebroken?
Angel: I saw her kill the Master. Hey, you think you can take her alone? Be my guest. I'll just feed and run.
Spike: Don't be silly! We're all friends. We'll do it together. Let's drink to it. You think you can fool me?! You were my sire, man! You were my... Yoda!
Angel: Things change.
Spike: Not us! Not demons! Man, I can't believe this. You Uncle Tom! Come on, people! This isn't a spectator sport!

Spike: Fe, fi, fo fum. I smell the blood of a nice ripe girl.
Buffy: Do we really need weapons for this?
Spike: I just like them. They make me feel all manly. The last Slayer I killed... she begged for her life. You don't strike me as the begging kind.
Buffy: You shouldn'ta come here.
Spike: No. I've messed up your doilies and stuff. But I just got so bored. I'll tell you what. As a personal favor from me to you I'll make it quick. It won't hurt a bit.
Buffy: No, Spike. It's gonna hurt a lot.

Spike: Now, that hurt! But not as much as this will.
Joyce: You get the hell away from my daughter!
Spike: Women!
Joyce: Nobody lays a hand on my little girl.

Jenny: Well, another wonderful fun-filled evening.
Giles: Uh, yes. You know, um, I will understand if you decide to start avoiding me.

Xander: So, when you gave him my neck to chew on, why didn't you clock him before he had a chance to clock you?
Angel: I told you. I couldn't make the first move. I had to see if he was buying it or not.
Xander: A-and if he bit me, what then?
Angel: We would've known he bought it.

Chief: I need to say something to the media people.
Snyder: So?
Chief: So? You want the usual story? Gang-related? PCP?
Snyder: What'd you have in mind? The truth?
Chief: Right. Gang-related. PCP.

Buffy: So, what did you and Principal Snyder talk about anyway?
Joyce: Principal Snyder said you were a troublemaker. And I could care less. I have a daughter who can take care of herself. Who's brave and resourceful and thinks of others in a crisis. No matter who you hang out with or what dumb teenage stuff you think you need to do, I'm gonna sleep better knowing all that.
Buffy: About how long till this wears off and you start ragging on me again?
Joyce: Oh, at least a week and a half.
Buffy: Very cool!

Cordelia: And if you get me out of this, I swear I'll never be mean to anyone ever again. Unless they really deserve it. Or if it's that time of the month, in which case I don't think you or anyone else can hold me responsible...
Willow: Ask for some aspirin.
Cordelia: And can you please send some asp... Hey!

Spike: A Slayer with family and friends. That sure as hell wasn't in the brochure.

Spike: How's the annoying one?
Drusilla: He doesn't wanna play.
Spike: Figures. Well, suppose I better go make nice.
Collin: You failed.
Spike: I, uh... I offer penance.
Vampire #2: Penance?! You should lay down your life! Our numbers are depleted, the feast of St. Vigeous has been ruined by your impatience!
Spike: I was rash, and if I had to do it all over again... Who am I kidding? I would do it exactly the same, only I'd do this...
Collin: No!
Spike: ...first! From now on, we're gonna have a little less ritual... and a little more fun around here. Let's see what's on TV.


The Usual
The Usual

Random Quotage:

Don't warn the tadpoles?
I... I have frog fear.
-Giles and Willow (What's My Line? (Part 1))


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Merchandise:

BtVS: The Score CD BtVS: The Score CD

Buffy the Vampire Slayer - The Chosen Collection (Seasons 1-7) BtVS - The Chosen Collection (Seasons 1-7)


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