The Replacement Quotes
The Replacement Quotes
Xander: Wish I had something food-like to offer you guys, but the hot plate's out of commission.
Anya: We think the cat peed on it.
Xander: I do have Spaghetti-O's. Set 'em on top of the dryer and you're a fluff cycle away from lukewarm goodness.
Riley: Hmm. Yeah, I had dryer food for lunch.
Xander: Yeah, maybe it's definitely time to start looking for a new place. Something a little nicer. Buffy, you've been to Hell. They have one-bedrooms, right?
Buffy: Oh, give me a break! This is all wrong. See, first you would get the big guy, with a flying kick. Then you would take out all the little ones, bam, ba- see, now with the flying kick. From a dead stop! What's powering it, raw enthusiasm?
Riley: Hey Buff, maybe you oughta leave the work behind sometimes. You're not always on slayer duty, you know?
Buffy: It would drive you crazy if we were watching an army movie and they were all saluting backwards and... invading all willy-nilly.
Willow: If you get the apartment, this'll be your hallway. We'll walk down this hall, and we'll say, 'La la, I'm on my way to Xander's.'
Buffy: Just warning you, Xander, I probably won't be doing that.
Riley: Really? I will.
Xander: Hey, we're just lookin'. Rent's way high, so don't get your hopes all carbonated.
Anya: But you have references.
Xander: No, I have Albert, which is me doing an important voice. 'Xander Harris? An excellent tenant. And a very nice-looking fellow.'
Xander: So you bought the magic shop and you were attacked before it opened. Who's up for a swingin' chorus of the 'We told you so' symphony?
Riley: Owning this place does seem kinda dangerous.
Buffy: He called you a Toth. It's a British expression. It means, like, moron.
Giles: No, Toth is the name of the demon.
Buffy: The city dump. Where smells go to relax and be themselves.
Riley: People say they're recycling. They're not recycling.
Riley: What are you doing here, Spike?
Spike: Oh, there's a nice lady vampire who set up a charming tea room over the next pile of crap. What do you think I'm doing? I'm scavenging, ain't I?
Joyce: This must be my 'two teenage girls in the house' headache. I thought it felt familiar.
Buffy: Good work, Dawn. You gave her a headache."
Dawn: I did not! Did I give you a headache, Mom? I'm sure part of it is Buffy's.
Buffy: But part of it is Dawn's.
Joyce: It's so nice you've learned to share. You girls, sort this out yourselves. It's good for you.
Xander: Don't be scared, Will. Just listen. It's me, Xander. And I can prove it.
Willow: Um... okay.
Xander: Let's see. Stuff only you and me know. Okay! On my seventh birthday... I wanted a toy fire truck, and I didn't get it, and you were real nice about it, and then the house next door burnt down, and then real fire trucks came, and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me. For a while last year, I thought I was lactose-intolerant, but it was just some bad Brie. Oh! Every Christmas, we watch Charlie Brown together, and I do the Snoopy dance.
Xander: I'm just... another great humiliation. But this time it's even worse. This demon, he's like taking my life, and everyone's treating him... Everyone's treating him like a grown-up! Will, I'm starting to feel like...
Willow: Like what?
Xander: Like... he's doing everything better. He's smarter, and... I don't know, maybe I should just let him have it. Take my life, please.
Willow: Xander, no! You're just tired, and... and all soggy. That's why it seems so hard, but you can't let him just take your whole existence.
Xander: Why not? It's not like I was doing anything so great with it. When I get to the pearly gates I'm sure the guy is not gonna go, 'Hey, what a kick-ass comic book collection, come on in!'
Xander: Hey, wait till you have an evil twin. See how you handle it.
Willow: I handled it fine.
Anya: There's a hurry, Xander. I'm dying. I may have as few as fifty years left.
SuaveXander: Fifty years? What is thi- Oh, wait a minute. This is about this.
Anya: What about the sling?
SuaveXander: You haven't been hurt like this since you became human. Maybe it's finally hitting you what being human means.
Anya: No, that's not it.
SuaveXander: Yes, I think it is. You were gonna live for thousands of years. And now you're gonna age and die. That must be terrifying.
Anya: You don't understand what it's like.
SuaveXander: Being suddenly human? I think I can get what that would be like. And we can get through it together.
Anya: You can't make it any different. I'm going to get old. And... you can't promise you'll be with me when I'm... wrinkly and my teeth are artificial and stuck into my wrinkly mouth with an adhesive.
SuaveXander: No, I can't promise that. But it doesn't sound terrible. And that's saying something. I promise you, Anya. Very soon you won't be thinking about getting older.
Giles: Oh, dear lord.
Riley: Buffy, our Xander, did he seem a little-
Buffy: He seemed kind of forceful and confident.
Willow: That's not Xander.
Giles: I said, 'Oh, dear lord.'"
Buffy: You always say that.
Giles: Well, it's always important!
Buffy: Ooh! What number am I thinking of?
Riley: I don't think that's gonna do it.
Both Xanders: Eleven and a half.
Buffy: Wrong. Oh! But see?
Xander: Oh, but he has a thingie! In his pocket! A shiny disk that stuns and disorients!
SuaveXander: What disk?
Xander: Cover your eyes!
Xander: It'll melt your brain!
SuaveXander: It's a nickel someone flattened on the railroad track. I found it on the construction site and I thought it was cool. It's not magic.
Xander: No, I... huh. It is kinda cool. Washington's still there, but he's all smushy. And he may be Jefferson.
Buffy: Look, there's a scar there, and there's the same one right there.
Willow: It's all double. This zit, and this... kinda funny dippy thing. A-and this weird little hair that grows in the wrong way.
Xander: Okay! Back off, ladies.
Riley: Psychologically, this is fascinating. Doesn't it make everyone wanna lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them? Just me, then.
Anya: Well, maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home, and... we can all have sex together, and... you know, just slap 'em back together in the morning.
SuaveXander: She's joking.
Xander: No she's not! She entirely wants to have sex with us together. Which is... wrong, and, and it would be very confusing.
Giles: Uh, uh, we just need to light the candles. Also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.
Willow: Check. Candles and pretense.
Anya: What'll we do if this doesn't work?
Both Xanders: Kill us both, Spock!
Buffy: They're... kinda the same now.
Giles: Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.
Riley: Getting nostalgic?
Xander: I don't know. At first it's just a place, then you start to make memories, and... then you're like, that's where Spike slept, and there, that's where Anya and I drowned the separvo demon. Oh! and, and right there, that's where I got my heart all ripped out. I really hate this place.
Xander: How is it that she can always make me feel SuaveXander's left the building?
Riley: You two have your friction, but... she digs the whole package. It's obvious.
Xander: Still, I do envy you sometimes. I mean for the sanity. Not that I'm still into Buffy. Not that I ever was.
Riley: Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am. Like, lottery lucky. Buffy's like nobody else in the world. When I'm with her it's like... it's like I'm split in two. Half of me is just... on fire, going crazy if I'm not touching her. The other half ... is so still and peaceful... just perfectly content. Just knows: this is the one. But she doesn't love me.