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Real Me Quotes
Real Me Quotes

Dawn: Nobody knows who I am. Not the real me. It's like, nobody cares enough to find out. I mean, does anyone ever ask me what I want to do with my life? Or what my opinion is on stuff? Or what restaurant to order in from? No. Underline. Exclamation point. Exclamation point, exclamation point. No one understands. No one has an older sister who's a slayer. People wouldn't be so crazy about her if they had to live in the same house with her every single day. Everybody cares what she thinks. Just 'cause she can do backflips and stuff. Like that's such a crucial job skill in the real world. Plus Mom lets her get away with everything. 'Your sister's saving the world.' I could so save the world if somebody handed me super powers... but I'd think of a cool name and wear a mask to protect my loved ones, which Buffy doesn't even. If this town wasn't so lame everyone would completely know what she does. And then I bet they wouldn't even be that impressed, because like, killing things with wood? Oh, scary vampires, they die from a splinter.

Buffy: That doesn't really work for me. We're just going to the magic shop. No school supplies there.
Dawn: Yeah, Mom, I'm not going to Hogwarts. Geez, crack a book sometime.
Joyce: Look, I'm sure Giles doesn't mind dropping you and your sister off at the mall afterwards.
Buffy: Actually, he does mind. This is supposed to be quality Watcher/Slayer time. I told you, she completely ruined my training yesterday.
Dawn: Did not!
Buffy: Oh, you know you did too.

Riley: Morning, Mrs. Summers. You look great.
Joyce: Oh, thank you, Riley.
Buffy: Suck up.
Riley: What? It's a nice outfit.
Buffy: Mm-hmm.
Riley: Besides, 'I'm here to violate your firstborn' never goes over with parents. Not sure why.

Riley: We're not hangin' today, are we?
Buffy: Giles is on his way to pick me up.
Riley: Oh, slayer training.
Buffy: Slayer shopping, actually, but equally as important.
Riley: I have no doubt. Okay, well, we'll hook up later.
Buffy: Are you mad at me?
Riley: Oh, no, not at all. I'm plotting your death, but in a happy way.

Dawn: I don't think Buffy's Watcher likes me too much. I think it's 'cause he's just so... old. I'm not sure how old he is, but I heard him use the word 'newfangled' one time. So he's gotta be pretty far gone.

Giles: Blast!
Buffy: You put it in neutral again, huh?
Giles: I'm just not used to this automatic transmission. I-I loathe this sitting here, not contributing. No, i-it's not working out.
Buffy: Giles, are you breaking up with your car?
Giles: Well, it did seduce me, all red and sporty!
Buffy: Little two-door tramp.
Giles: I-I-I don't know, I just - I was so at loose ends, I-I found myself searching for... some way of feeling more...
Buffy: Shallow?
Giles: Perhaps, as I am to act as your Watcher again, a modicum of respect might be in order.
Buffy: Do I have to?
Giles: I'm serious, Buffy, there's going to be far less time for the sort of flighty, frivolous-
Dawn: Hey, there's Willow and Tara!
Giles: Ooh, they haven't seen my new car.

Dawn: Willow's the awesomest person. She's the only one I know who likes school as much as me. Even her friends are cool!
Tara: Hey Dawn.
Dawn: Like Tara. She and Willow are both witches. They do spells and stuff, which is so much cooler than slaying. I told Mom one time I wished they'd teach me some of the things they do together. A-and then she got really quiet and made me go upstairs. Huh. I guess her generation isn't cool with witchcraft.

Buffy: So I won't be taking drama with you.
Willow: What? You have to, you promised!
Buffy: Well, I know, but Giles said that it just was-"
Willow: The hell with Giles.
Giles: I can hear you, Willow.
Willow: Drama is just Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. You can blow off training Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, can't you?
Buffy: What happened to 'people gotta respect a work ethic'?
Willow: Other people, not me! There's a whole best friend loophole.

Guy: Whatcha doin'? What are you doing here? You can't loiter. There's no loitering. That's why I'm a cat. Quiet. See, cat's in the cupboard but they find you there anyway, and it hurts. Please, make it stop. Shut up, shut up, they'll hear you!
Dawn: Buff-
Guy: I know you. Curds and whey. I know what you are. You... don't... belong... here.

Willow: Well, I've cross-checked the inventory list, and things are definitely missing. Mostly books. Including A Treatise on the Mythology and Methodology of the Vampire Slayer.
Buffy: Oh, shoot! Was that the only copy?
Giles: Come on, Buffy, this could be very serious. Whoever's leading this pack of vampires appears to be interested in learning more about you. Perhaps searching for weaknesses or... good lord.
Buffy: What?
Giles: Well, I had no idea the profit margins on a shop like this were so high.
Giles: Look at this! Uh, low overhead, out-of-state orders, international - it's no wonder there's never any trouble attracting new owners. A place like this is a virtual-
Buffy: Deathtrap?

Buffy: What'd they take?
Giles: I should think an item of, of value, or-or power, possibly even a-
Willow: A unicorn. 10-inch ceramic unicorn imported from Thailand.
Buffy: Was it valuable?
Willow: List price, $12.95."
Giles: Which begs the question, what kind of an unholy creature fancies cheap tasteless statuary?

Harmony: Okay, hi. First of all, I wanna thank everybody for a really successful raid on the magic shop last night. Good job, minions! Yes, you deserve it. Secondly... somebody remembered to pick me up the sweetest little unicorn!
Brad: What?
Harmony: Brad, guess someone was feeling guilty for standing me up in the tenth grade.
Brad: I, I had to get her something. She sired me.
Peaches: Sire-whipped.

Cyrus: When are we gonna do it?
Harmony: Eww! That's rude! I barely know you! Uch, and you're a minion!
Mort: He means the plan! When are we gonna do the plan?
Harmony: Ohhh! The plan! Ah, well, first lemme tell you I'm really psyched about it and I hope the rest of you guys-
Mort: When?!
Harmony: Tonight! We kill the slayer... tonight.

Buffy: Wait. So what you're saying is if I can get an acceptable babysitter here before you leave, I can go patrol?
Dawn: Babysitter? I'm fourteen! I'm old enough to be a babysitter!
Joyce: And who are you gonna get on such short notice?
Dawn: I can take care of myself!
Buffy: Xander.
Joyce: Xander?
Dawn: Okay.

Dawn: Xander is so much cuter than anyone. And smarter too. He totally skipped college and got a job working construction. Which is so kind of... deep, you know? He builds things. And he's brave too. Just last week he went undercover to stop that Dracula guy.

Joyce: Dawn, be good.
Xander: Oh, we will. We're just gonna play with matches, run with scissors, take candy from... some guy... I don't know his name.

Dawn: Xander treats everyone like an equal. He doesn't look down on people.
Anya: Hello there, little girl.
Dawn: Even when he should.
Anya: We are gonna have fun, fun, fun. Look, I've got Monopoly, Clue, and ooh, the Game of Life! That sounds good!

Willow: Tara... you're not an outsider.
Tara: Well, yeah. I kinda am.
Willow: No, you're not.
Tara: Willow, it's okay. Where does this go?
Willow: Somebody making you feel uncomfortable? Is it Xander? It's Xander, isn't it?
Tara: No, Xander's a sweetie.
Willow: It's Giles! It's 'cause he's... British and doesn't understand about stuff.
Tara: It's no one. You guys all just have this really tight bond. It's-it's hard to break into that. And I'm not even sure I want to.
Willow: I'm sure. You're completely one of the gang now. Everyone accepts that. You're one of the good guys.

Buffy: So then my mom goes off on me about how I'm supposed to watch out for Dawn and make sure that she's shielded from something that might upset her.
Riley: Like dead shopkeepers.
Buffy: She didn't see him! A foot, maybe. A dead foot, which is bad, okay, but hello, I see dead stuff all the time, and you don't see Mom shielding me.
Riley: So you want your mother to give you space to be a slayer, and shield you from it at the same time.
Buffy: Thank you, logic boy. Did I mention this is a rant? Sense really has no place in it.

Anya: Oh, crap. Look at this! Now I'm burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children, more cash than I can reasonably manage...
Xander: That means you're winning.
Anya: Really?
Xander: Yes. Cash equals good.
Anya: Ooh! I'm so pleased. Can I trade in the children for more cash?

Harmony: What do you mean, she's not in there? She has to be. I'm calling her out!
Xander: Then I bet she'll be real sorry she missed your call. 'Fraid you and your buddies are gonna have to come back and be killed by Buffy later.
Harmony: They're not my buddies. They're my minions.
Xander: They're... what now?
Harmony: Minions! You know, lackeys? They work for me. What's so funny?!
Xander: Nothing! What could be funny, just 'Look out, it's a terrifying Harmony gang, ooh!'
Harmony: Stop laughing!
Xander: I just, I just can't picture anyone pathetic enough to be following- Is that Brad Konig? Huh! Hey Brad, who'd have thought when you were beating up kids in gym class, you'd end up Harmony's lapdog?

Buffy: Harmony... Harmony has minions?
Xander: Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction.
Buffy: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just... Harmony has minions!
Xander: And Ruffles have ridges. Uh, Buffy, there's actually a more serious side to all this.
Buffy: I sure hope so, 'cause I'm having trouble breathing.

Harmony: Oh, yeah. I've got my own gang now.
Spike: Is that what those circus freaks are?
Harmony: Uh huh. I mean ... shut up! We're gonna kill the slayer.
Spike: Singing my song now, are you? You should pay me royalties for that one, or at least get your own tune.
Harmony: I'm not gonna make the same mistakes you did. I've been doing my homework, reading books and stuff.
Spike: What, Evil for Dummies? Look at you, all puffed up and mighty, thinking you're the new Big Bad. It's, uh... well, let's face it, it's adorable.

Riley: She's just a kid.
Buffy: You know, will everybody please stop saying that? I was just a kid when I met my first vampire, but somehow, I still managed to remember the rules.
Riley: You had to. It was your job.
Buffy: No. No, it was common sense. But nobody expects even that much from Dawn, do they? No, she has to be protected and coddled from the big bad world, well you know what? We are doing nothing but turning her into a little idiot who is going to get us all killed.

Harmony: All right, once again, nice work, minionators. I'm really, really proud of you guys. Ah, Mort. I trust you made our guest... comfortable?
Mort: You told me to chain her to a wall.
Harmony: Yeah, I know, I'm being, you know, sarcastic or whatever?

Harmony: So, slayer, at last we meet.
Buffy: We've met, Harmony, you halfwit.
Harmony: I'm the halfwit? Um, excuse me, but look who's fallen into my... trap.
Buffy: Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad. When you tried to chair the homecoming committee, you were really bad. But when you try to be bad... you suck.

Buffy: You are going to be in so much trouble when we get home.
Dawn: Yeah, well... I'm telling Mom you slayed in front of me.
Buffy: Fine. I'll just tell her that you ran out of the house in the middle of the night, that you got Anya hurt, invited a vampire in, got kidnapped...

Buffy: Giles, are you sure about this?
Giles: Why wouldn't I be?
Buffy: Well, aside from the fact that most magic shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer... and, have you ever run a store before?
Giles: I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same, except people pay for the things they don't return. It'll give me focus. Increase my resources. And it'll prevent you lot from trampling all over my flat at all hours. There may even be some space for you to train in the back.
Buffy: Boy, you've really thought this through. How bored were you last year?
Giles: I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it.

Buffy: Don't. Break. Anything. Just don't touch anything.
Dawn: Not that Buffy's really changed at all. Like she ever would.
Buffy: What you're doing right now, not moving? Good. Keep doing that.
Dawn: She still thinks I'm Little Miss Nobody, just her dumb little sister. Boy, is she in for a surprise.


The Usual
The Usual

Random Quotage:

Mr. Giles. I'd like your opinion. While the last thing I want to do is muddle bad behavior in front of impressionable youth, I wonder if asking Miss Chase to dance would...
For God's sake, man, she's eighteen. And you have the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone. Just have at it, would you, and stop fluttering about.
Right, then. Thanks for that.
-Wesley and Giles (The Prom)


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