Home sweet homeInfo on episode, cast, characters, quotes, and moreMedia items including galleries, fanart, and comicsFun for everyone in the form of quizzes, a store, Be a Watcher, and columnsSite related items such as banners, links, cliques, etc.ChosenTwo.com

The Puppet Show Quotes
The Puppet Show Quotes

Buffy: The school talent show. How ever did you finagle such a primo assignment?
Giles: Our new Führer, Mr. Snyder.
Willow: I think they call 'em 'principals' now.
Giles: Mm. He thought it would behoove me to have more contact with the students. I did try to explain that my vocational choice of librarian was a deliberate attempt to minimize said contact, but, uh, he would have none of it.
Buffy: Giles, unto every generation is born one who must run the annual talentless show. You cannot escape your destiny.
Giles: If you had any shred of decency, you would have participated, or at least, um, helped.
Buffy: Nah! I think I'll take on your traditional role... and watch!
Xander: And mock!
Willow: And laugh!

Snyder: So. We think school events are stupid, and we think authority figures are to be made fun of.
Buffy: No! No, we don't. W-unless you do.
Snyder: And we think our afternoon classes are optional. All three of you left campus yesterday.
Buffy: Yeah, but we were fighting a demon...
Snyder: Fighting?
Buffy: Not fighting.
Xander: No, we, uh, left to avoid fighting.
Snyder: Real anti-social types. You need to integrate into this school, people. I think I just found three eager new participants for the talent show.
Buffy: What?
Xander: No!
Willow: Please?
Snyder: I've been watching you three. Always getting into one scrape or another.
Buffy: Well, we're really, really sorry, but about the talent show, pleeease, you can't make us...
Snyder: My predecessor, Mr. Flutie, may have gone in for all that touchy-feely relating nonsense, but he was eaten. You're in my world now. And Sunnydale has touched and felt for the last time.
Xander: Can I just mention, that detention is a time-honored form of punishment?
Snyder: I know the three of you will come up with a wonderful act for the school to watch. And mock. And laugh. At.

Buffy: Ewww, dummy!
Xander: Dyow! Mime!
Willow: I think dummies are cute. You don't?
Buffy: Uuuhhh. They give me the wig. Ever since I was little.
Willow: What happened?
Buffy: I saw a dummy. It gave me the wig. There really wasn't a story there.

Xander: I can't do this!
Buffy: Xander, come on.
Xander: I, I can't! I have my pride! Okay, I don't have a lot of my pride, but I have enough so that I can't do this!

Xander: But we have talent. We can do stuff. Buffy, uh...
Buffy: What am I gonna do? Slay vampires on stage? Willow: Maybe in a funny way! Xander: Willow, you can do stuff. Uh, the piano... Buffy: You play? Willow: A little. Buffy: Well, that's cool. You can accompany us and we can attempt to sing. Willow: Oh, i-in front of other people? Then, no, I don't play... Xander: Whatever happened to corporal punishment?

Snyder: Kids today need discipline. That's an unpopular word these days, 'discipline'. I know Principal Flutie would have said, 'Kids need understanding. Kids are human beings.' That's the kind of woolly-headed, liberal thinking that leads to being eaten.
Giles: I, I think perhaps it was a little more complex than, um...
Snyder: This place has quite a reputation. Suicide, missing persons, spontaneous cheerleader combustion... You can't put up with that. You've gotta keep an eye on the bad element.

Snyder: Kids. I don't like them. From now on you're gonna see a very different Sunnydale High. Tight ship, clean, orderly, and quiet.

Buffy: Vampire?
Giles: Um, I think not.
Buffy: Giles, share! What happened?
Giles: Her heart was removed.
Willow: Yikes!
Buffy: Does that mean anything to you? Besides ooooooo?
Giles: Uh... There are various demons which, which feed off human hearts, but...
Buffy: But demons have claws. And teeth.
Xander: They got no use for a big old knife.
Giles: Which more than likely makes our murderer...
Buffy: Human.
Xander: Did I mention that I hate this school?

Buffy: No, wait. I-I'm not buying, you guys. Remember the Hellmouth? Mystical activity is totally rife here. This to me says demon.
Giles: I'd like to think you're right. A demon is a creature of evil, pure and very simple. A person driven to kill is, is, um, it's more complex.
Willow: The creep factor is also heightened. It could be anyone. It could be me! It's not, though.

Cordelia: It's just such a tragedy for me. Emma was, like, my best friend.
Xander: Emily.

Cordelia: All I can think is, it coulda been me!
Xander: We can dream.

Xander: Okay, next time we split up someone else is on Cordy detail. Five more minutes with her and we woulda had another organ donor.

Xander: Well, what do we do? We don't slay him, right? We wanna bring him to justice.
Willow: We could set up a complex sting operation where we get him to confess!
Xander: Uh, I should wear a wire!
Buffy: Whoa, hey, you guys, all we know is that Morgan is a grade A large weirdo. That doesn't lead directly to murderer.

Giles: I'm looking into that, but, uh, my investigation is somewhat... hampered by our life in the theater.
Buffy: Uh, priority check, Giles? Talent show, murder.
Xander: Yeah, we can't do the talent show, it's unthinkable. I'm not able to think it!
Giles: Principal Snyder is watching us all very closely. Now, if he chooses, he can make all our lives extremely difficult. A Slayer cannot afford that! We will find this murderer, but in the meantime... the show must go on.

Giles: Buffy, you, uh, watch Morgan. Check his locker, see if there's anything there.
Willow: Like a heart?
Giles: Or something.
Buffy: Alright.
Willow: I'll pull up his locker number.
Xander: Can I still wear a wire?

Snyder: There are things I will not tolerate: students loitering on campus after school, horrible murders with hearts being removed. And also smoking.
Buffy: Well, I don't do any of those things. Not... ever.
Snyder: There's something going on with you. I'll figure it out sooner or later.

Joyce: Hi, hon. How's it, uh, going with the talent show?
Buffy: It'll be over soon.
Joyce: It can't be that bad! I, for one, am looking forward to seeing your act.
Buffy: Seeing? I-in the sense of actually attending?
Joyce: Of course!
Buffy: Uh-uh! No, Mom, y-y-you can't! And, I mean, if I know you're out there watching, I'll freeze up, stage fright.
Joyce: But I wanna support what you're doing!
Buffy: Look, Mom, if you really love me, and wanna show your support, you'll stay away. Far away.

Cordelia: But the mood! It'll be all wrong! My song is about dignity and human feelings and personal... hygiene or something. Anyway, it's sappy, and no one is gonna be feeling sappy after all that Rock and Roll. Uhhh, what?
Giles: Oh! I'm sorry. Um, your hair, uh...
Cordelia: There's something wrong with my hair? Ohmigod!
Giles: Xander was right. It worked like a charm.

Buffy: Okay, everyone look at me like I'm in a bunny suit, 'cause that's how stupid I feel saying this... I think Sid was in my room last night.
Willow: With Morgan?
Buffy: No. He was alone. And alive.
Xander: Did you see him?
Buffy: Well, I saw something. I-it ran across my floor, under my bed and then it attacked me.
Giles: Attacked you? How?
Buffy: It was like it pounced on my face.
Xander: Like a cat.
Buffy: Yeah, exactly! But when I turned the lights on it was already gone. I-I think it went out my window.
Xander: Like a cat.
Buffy: Yeah! No! It was Sid, the dummy.
Giles: Or possibly the nightmare of somebody who had... dummies on her mind.
Willow: You did say they creep you out.
Buffy: Excuse me? Can I have a little support here, please? I'm not just some crazy person, I'm the Slayer.
Xander: The dummy Slayer? There's nothing funny about that.

Xander: Hi, Buffy! Hi, Willow! Would you like to hear some off-color jokes?
Buffy: I really don't think you should be doing that.
Xander: What? C'mon... I'm not real!
Buffy: Xander, quit it!

Buffy: I'll go find Morgan. You watch the dummy.
Xander: Bye-bye, now. I'm completely inanimate. Redrum! Redruuum!

Giles: Willow, we have some hunting of our own to do.
Willow: Once again I'm banished to the demon section of the card catalog.
Giles: You concentrate on re-animation theory. I'll peck about in organ harvesting. Unless, of course, you prefer...
Willow: That's okay, you can have the organs.

Cordelia: I, I can't go out there. All those people staring at me and judging me like I'm some kind of... Buffy! What if I mess up?
Giles: Cordelia, there, uh, there-there's, uh, uh, an adage, uh, that, uh, if you're feeling nervous then, uh, you should imagine the entire audience are in their underwear.
Cordelia: Eww! Even Mrs. Franklin? Uhhh!
Giles: Perhaps not.
Cordelia: Yeah.

Sid: So, what's your deal, kid? I don't figure you for a demon hunter.
Buffy: I'm a Vampire Slayer.
Sid: You?! You're the Slayer? Damn! I knew a Slayer in the 30's. Korean chick. Very hot. We're talking muscle tone. Man, we had some times. Hey, that was pre-dummy, alright? Now, I was a guy!
Buffy: So, you kill the demon and the curse is lifted, right?
Sid: That's the drill.
Buffy: You don't actually turn into a prince, do you? I-I mean, your body...
Sid: Is dust and bones. When I say free...
Buffy: You mean dead.
Sid: Don't get sniffly on me, sis. I've lived a lot longer than most demon hunters. Or Slayers, for that matter.

Buffy: So, that horny dummy thing really isn't an act, is it?
Sid: Nope!
Buffy: Yuk!

Xander: So, the dummy tells us that he's a demon hunter. And we're, like, fine, la la la la. He takes off, and now there's a brain. Does anybody else feel like they've been Keyser Soze'd?

Buffy: This means that whatever's out there still needs a healthy, intelligent brain.
Xander: In other words, I'm safe!

Willow: What could a demon possibly want from me?
Xander: What's the square root of 841?
Willow: 29. Oh, yeah.

Giles: Uh... I must say, all of you... Your t-timing is impeccable.

Snyder: I don't get it. What is it? Avant-garde?

Willow: Oh, ruler of my country, Oedipus, you see our company around the Altar, and I, the priest of Zeus!
Xander: Ha, ha! They prophesize that I should kill my father. But he is dead. And hidden deep in the soil. But surely I must fear my mother's bed.
Buffy: Oh, Oedipus, Oedipus, unhappy Oedipus, that is all I can call you, and all that I ever shall call you.
Xander: Darkness! And horror of darkness. Unfolding, restless, visitant, sped by an ill wind in haste... Madness, and... Madness a-and stabbing pain, and, a-and, uh... oh... oh... memory of, uh, i-ill deeds I have done.

The Usual
The Usual

Random Quotage:

Mr. Giles. I'd like your opinion. While the last thing I want to do is muddle bad behavior in front of impressionable youth, I wonder if asking Miss Chase to dance would...
For God's sake, man, she's eighteen. And you have the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone. Just have at it, would you, and stop fluttering about.
Right, then. Thanks for that.
-Wesley and Giles (The Prom)

Where to Watch:
  Amazon Instant Video


BtVS: The Score CD BtVS: The Score CD

Buffy the Vampire Slayer - The Chosen Collection (Seasons 1-7) BtVS - The Chosen Collection (Seasons 1-7)

This site and its content & graphics are copyright © 1999-2015 Anna and Harsh Light Productions. "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" TM and © (or copyright) Fox and its related entities. All rights reserved. Any reproduction, duplication or distribution of these materials in any form is expressly prohibited. This web site, its operators and any content on this site relating to "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" are not authorized by Fox. Please read this site's disclaimer.