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What's My Line? Part 1 Quotes
What's My Line? Part 1 Quotes

Xander: 'Are you a people person, or do you prefer keeping your own company?' Well, what if I'm a people person who keeps his own company by default?
Buffy: So, mark 'none of the above'.
Xander: Well, there are no boxes for 'none of the above'. That would introduce too many variables into their mushroom head, number-crunching little world.
Willow: I'm sensing bitterness.
Xander: No, it's just these people can't tell from one multiple-choice test what we're gonna be doing for the rest of our lives. It's ridiculous!
Willow: I'm kinda curious to find out what sort of career I could have.
Xander: What, and suck all the spontaneity out of being young and stupid? I'd rather live in the dark.
Willow: You're not gonna be young forever.
Xander: Yes, but I'll always be stupid. Okay, let's not all rush to disagree.
Buffy: You're not stupid.

Cordelia: 'I aspire to help my fellow man.' Check. As long as he's not smelly, dirty or something gross.
Xander: Cordelia Chase, always ready to give a helping hand to the rich and the pretty.
Cordelia: Which, lucky me, excludes you. Twice.
Xander: Is murder always a crime?

Buffy: Do I like shrubs?
Xander: That's between you and your god.
Buffy: What'd you put?
Willow: I came down on the side of shrubs.
Buffy: Go with shrubs! Okay! Uhhh! I shouldn't even be bothering with this. It's all mootville for me. No matter what my aptitude test says, we already know my deal.
Xander: Yup, high risk, sub-minimum wage...
Buffy: Pointy wooden things...
Willow: Then why are you even taking the test?
Buffy: It's Principal Snyder's hoop of the week. He's not happy unless I'm jumping. Believe me, I would not be here otherwise.
Willow: You're not even a teensy weensy bit curious about what kinda career you could've had? I mean, if you weren't already the Slayer and all.
Buffy: Do the words 'sealed in fate' ring any bells for you, Will? Why go there?
Xander: Y'know, with that kind of attitude you could've had a bright future as an employee at the DMV.
Buffy: I'm sorry, it's just... unless Hell freezes over and every vamp in Sunnydale puts in for early retirement, I'd say my future is pretty much a non-issue.

Spike: Read it again.
Dalton: Well, I'm not sure. It could be, uh... deprimere... ille... bubula... linter.
Spike: Debase, the beef, canoe. Why does that strike me as not right?

Buffy: Does 'rest in peace' have no sanctity to you people? Oh, I forgot. You're not a people.

Angel: Buffy! You scared me.
Buffy: Now you know what it feels like, Stealth Guy. Just dropping by for some quality time with Mr. Gordo?
Angel: Excuse me?
Buffy: The pig.

Buffy: What's up?
Angel: Nothing.
Buffy: Only you don't have a nothing face. You have a something face. And you don't have to whisper. Mom's in L.A. till Thursday. Art buying, or something.
Angel: Then why'd you come in through the window?
Buffy: Habit.

Buffy: Uh, we're having this thing at school.
Angel: Career week?
Buffy: How did you know?
Angel: I lurk.
Buffy: Right. Well, then you know it's a whole week of 'what's my line', only... I don't get to play. Sometimes I just want...
Angel: You want what? It's okay.
Buffy: The Cliff Notes version? I want a normal life. Like I had before.
Angel: Before me.
Buffy: No, Angel, it's not you. You're the one freaky thing in my freaky world that still makes sense to me. I just get messed sometimes. I wish we could be regular kids.
Angel: Yeah. I'll never be a kid.
Buffy: Okay, then a regular kid and her cradle robbing, creature-of-the-night boyfriend.

Buffy: Oh, my God. My Dorothy Hamill phase. My room in L.A. was pretty much a shrine. Dorothy dolls, Dorothy posters, I even got the Dorothy haircut. Thereby securing a place for myself in the geek hall of fame.
Angel: Hmm, you wanted to be like her?
Buffy: I wanted to be her. My parents were fighting all the time, and skating was an escape. I felt safe.
Angel: When was the last time you put on your skates?
Buffy: About a couple of hundred demons ago.
Angel: There's a rink out past Route 17, it's... closed on Tuesdays.
Buffy: Tomorrow's Tuesday.
Angel: I know.

Cordelia: Oh, here I am. 'Personal shopper or motivational speaker.' Neato!
Xander: Motivational speaker? On what? Ten ways to a more annoying you?
Cordelia: Oh, what about you? You're...
Xander: What? What?!

Willow: You and Angel are going skating? Alone?
Buffy: Unless some unforeseen evil pops up. But I'm in full 'see no evil' mode.
Willow: Angel ice-skating.
Buffy: I know. Two worlds collide.

Xander: Wouldn't you two say you know me about as well as anyone else? Maybe even better than I know myself?
Willow: What's this about?
Xander: When you look at me, do you think 'prison guard'?
Buffy: Um, crossing guard, maybe, but prison guard?
Xander: They just put up the assignments for the career fair, and according to my test results I can look forward to being gainfully employed in the growing field of corrections.
Buffy: Well, at least you'll be on the right side of the bars.
Xander: Ha, ha, ha, ha! Laugh now, missy, they assigned you to the booth for law enforcement professionals.
Buffy: As in police?
Xander: As in polyester, doughnuts and brutality.
Willow: But, doughnuts!

Giles: Buffy. Thank you. I've been, uh, indexing the Watcher diaries covering the last couple of centuries. You would be amazed at how numbingly pompous and long-winded some of these Watchers were.
Buffy: Color me stunned.
Giles: So, uh, I trust last night's patrol was fruitful?
Buffy: Semi. Mm, I caught one out of two vamps after they stole something from this jumbo mausoleum.
Giles: They were stealing?
Buffy: Yeah! They had tools, flashlights, whole nine yards. What does that mean anyway? 'Whole nine yards'? Nine yards of what? Now it's gonna bug me all day.

Giles: You made no effort to find out what was taken?
Buffy: Have a cow, Giles! I just figured it was your everyday vamp hijinks.
Giles: Well, what if it wasn't? This could be very serious! I mean, i-i-if you'd made an effort to, uh, to be more thorough in your observations...
Buffy: Y'know, if you don't like the way I'm doing my job, why don't you find somebody else? Oh, that's right, there can only be one. As long as I'm alive, there is no one else. Well, there you go! I don't have to be the Slayer. I could be dead.
Giles: That wasn't terribly funny. You notice I don't laugh.
Buffy: Wouldn't be much of a change. Either way I'm bored, constricted, I never get to shop, and my hair and fingernails still continue to grow. So really, when you think about it, what's the diff?

Drusilla: It hums. I can hear it.
Spike: Once you're well again, we'll have a coronation down Main Street, and invite everyone, and drink for seven days and seven nights.
Dalton: What about the Slayer? She almost blew the whole thing for us. She's trouble.
Spike: You don't say? Trouble?! She's the gnat in my ear! The gristle in my teeth! She's the bloody thorn in my BLOODY SIDE!

Xander: Willow! What are you doing here? Fly! Be free, little bird, you defy category!
Willow: I'm looking for Buffy.
Xander: Oh, she went with Giles about an hour ago. Some kind of field trip deal.
Willow: If she doesn't get back soon, Snyder's really... done a great job with the fair this year, hasn't he, Xander?
Xander: Principal Snyder! Great career fair, sir! Really! In fact, I'm so inspired by your leadership, I'm thinking principal school. I wanna walk in your shoes. Not your actual shoes, of course, because you're a tiny person. Not tiny in the small sense, of course. Okay, I'm done now.
Snyder: Where is she?
Willow: Who?
Snyder: You know who.
Willow: You mean Buffy? I just saw her...
Snyder: And don't feed me that 'I just saw her a minute ago, she's around here somewhere' story.
Willow: But I did... just see her a minute ago, and she is... around here somewhere!
Xander: For what it's worth...
Snyder: It's worth nothing, Harris. Whatever comes out of your mouth is a meaningless waste of breath. An airborne toxic event.
Xander: Well, I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to be so honest with me. And I can only hope that one day I'm in the position to be that honest with you.

Giles: Buffy! Slow down! Please!
Buffy: Giles, we have work to do, remember? Get with the program.
Giles: You're behaving remarkably im-immaturely.
Buffy: You know why? I am immature. I'm a teen. I have yet to mature.
Giles: I was simply offering some constructive criticism.
Buffy: No! You were harsh! God, you act like I picked this gig. But remember, I'm the picked.
Giles: What you have is more than a gig. It's a sacred duty. Which shouldn't prevent you from e-e-eventually procuring some more gainful f-f-form of employment. Uh-uh-uh, such as I did.
Buffy: Uh, Giles, it's one thing to be a Watcher and a librarian. They go together like chicken and... another chicken, or... two chickens, or... something, you know what I'm saying! The point is, no one blinks an eye if you want to spend all your days with books. What am I supposed to do? Carve stakes for a nursery?
Giles: Um, point taken. I must, however, admit, I-I've never really... Well, now there's a thought, have you ever considered law enforcement?

Giles: It's a reliquary. Used to house items of religious significance. Most commonly a finger or some other body part from a saint.
Buffy: Note to self: religion: freaky.
Giles: Du Lac. Oh dear, oh dear.
Buffy: I hate when you say that.
Giles: Josephus du Lac was buried here. He belonged to a religious sect that was excommunicated by the Vatican at the turn of the century.
Buffy: Excommunicated and sent to Sunnydale. There's a guy big with the sinning.

Willow: So Giles is sure that the vampire who stole his book is connected to the one you slayed last night? Or is it slew?
Giles: Both are correct, and, yes, I'm sure. Du Lac was both a, a... a theologian and a mathematician. This article describes an invention of his, which he called 'The Du Lac Cross'.
Xander: So, why go to all the trouble of inventing something, and then giving it a weak name like that? I mean, I'da gone with 'The Cross-o-matic', or, uh, 'The Amazing Mr. Cross'.

Buffy: So you're saying these vampires went to all this hassle for your basic decoder ring?
Giles: Uh, actually, yes, I, I suppose I am.

Willow: Goody! Research party!
Xander: Will, you need a life in the worst way.

Giles: This is a matter of some urgency, Buffy.
Buffy: I realize that. Well, you have to admit, I kinda lack in the book area. I mean, you guys are the brains, I'd only be here for moral support anyway.
Xander: That's untrue, Buffy, you totally contribute. You go for snacks!
Willow: She should go. Y-y'know, gather her strength.
Giles: Perhaps you're right. There may be fierce battles ahead.
Xander: But Ho-Hos are a vital part of my cognitive process!

Buffy: The Hellmouth presents: Dead Guys On Ice. Not exactly the evening we were aiming for.
Angel: You're in danger. You know what the ring means?
Buffy: I just killed a Super Bowl champ?

Buffy: Hey! Don't be a baby. I'm not gonna hurt you.
Angel: It's not that. I...
Buffy: What?
Angel: You shouldn't have to touch me when I'm like this.
Buffy: Oh. I didn't even notice.

Buffy: This guy was hard-core, Giles. And Angel was power-freaked by that ring.
Giles: I'm afraid he was not overreacting. This ring is worn only by members of the Order of Taraka. It's a society of deadly assassins dating back to King Solomon.
Xander: And didn't they beat the Elks this year in the Sunnydale adult bowling league championships?
Giles: Their credo is to sow discord and kill the unwary.
Xander: Bowling is a vicious game.
Giles: That's enough, Xander! Sorry. It's just not the time for jokes. I need to think.
Buffy: These assassins, why are they after me?
Willow: 'Cause you're the scourge of the underworld?
Buffy: I haven't been that scourgey lately.
Giles: I don't know, I don't know. I think the best thing we can do is to find a secure location. Somewhere out of the way you can go until we decide on the best course of action.
Buffy: Okay, now you and Angel have both said to head for the hills. Are you saying I can't handle this, that I'm not strong enough to fight these people?
Giles: They're a breed apart, Buffy. U-unlike vampires they have no earthly desires, but to collect their bounty. They find a target, and, uh... they eliminate it. You can kill as many of them as you like, it won't make any difference. Where there's one, there will be another, and another. They won't stop coming until the job is done. Each one of them works alone. His own way. Some are human, some... a-are not. Y-you won't know who they are until they strike.

Willow: I wish there was more we could do.
Giles: We're doing all that we can. The only course of action is to try and find out what was in that stolen book.
Willow: I've never seen Buffy like that. She just took off.
Xander: Well, she didn't go home. I let the phone ring a few hundred times before I remembered her mom is out of town.
Giles: Well, maybe Buffy unplugged the phone.
Xander: No, it's a statistical impossibility for a sixteen-year-old girl to unplug her phone.
Giles: Well, perhaps my words of caution were... a little too alarming.
Xander: Ya think?
Willow: It's good that she took you seriously, Giles. I just wish we knew where she was.

Angel: I need some information.
Willy: Yeah? Man, that's too bad, 'cause... I'm stayin' away from that whole scene. I'm livin' right, Angel.
Angel: Sure you are, Willy. And I'm taking up sunbathing.

Giles: Willow?
Willow: Don't warn the tadpoles!
Giles: Are you alright?
Willow: Giles, what are you doing here?
Giles: It's the library, Willow. You fell asleep.
Willow: Oh! I...
Giles: Don't warn the tadpoles?
Willow: I... I have frog fear.

Cordelia: I can't even believe you. You dragged me out of bed for a ride? What am I, mass transportation?
Xander: That's what a lot of the guys say, but it's just locker room talk. I wouldn't pay it any mind.
Cordelia: Oh, great, so now I'm your taxi and your punching bag.
Xander: I like to think of you more as my witless foil, but have it your way.

Xander: C'mon, Cordelia. You wanna be a member of the Scooby Gang you gotta be willing to be inconvenienced every now and then.
Cordelia: Oh, right, 'cause I lie awake at night hoping you tweakos will be my best friends.

Xander: Buffy could be in trouble.
Cordelia: And what if she is exactly? What are you gonna do about it? In case you haven't noticed, you're the lameness and she's the super chick, or whatever.
Xander: Well, at least I'm the lameness who cares, which is more than I can say about you.

Kendra: Who are you?
Buffy: Who am I? You attacked me! Who, the hell, are you?!
Kendra: I am Kendra! De Vampire Slayer!


The Usual
The Usual

Random Quotage:

If we close our eyes and say it's a dream it'll stab us to death! These things are real.
-Xander (Fear, Itself)


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