Cordelia: I think we should get a limo.
Xander: A limo?
Xander: A big, expensive limo?
Willow: That sounds like fun! And it is our last Homecoming Dance, so maybe we should make a big deal of it.
Xander: You wanna talk fun? Public bus. You meet the funnest people. Back me up here, Oz.
Oz: Well, if it's a dollar issue, we could all take my van.
Cordelia: Van? The Homecoming Queen doesn't go to the dance in a van. Use your head.
Xander: Well, technically, you haven't been elected yet... Although you certainly and without a doubt will be. Who else likes a limo?
Cordelia: What's going on here? Did Scott not ask her to the Homecoming Dance yet?
Buffy: Thanks, Cordelia. Humiliation's really good for my color.
Scott: Oh, um... well, no. I just... I assumed that you would think it was corny or something, but I-I'm in... I mean, you know, if you are, if you want to.
Buffy: Uh, sure... I do. You know, i-if you want to.
Scott: Well, I do if you want to.
Oz: The judges will accept that as a 'yes'.
Buffy: How are you feeling?
Angel: It hurts... less.
Buffy: Good. I haven't... told Giles and the others that... you're back.
Buffy: And I'm not going to. They wouldn't understand that you're... better. A-a-and I'm gonna keep helping you get better. It's just that everything's different now. I'm a senior. I'm really working harder in school. I'm even thinking about college. A-and I'm involved with someone. His name is Scott. He's a nice, solid guy. He makes me happy... and that's what I need: someone I can count on.
Scott: I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Buffy: You don't? When did this happen? Where was I?
Scott: Buffy, it's just... Before we were going out, you, you seemed so... full of life, like a force of nature. Now you just seem distracted all the time, and...
Buffy: Yeah, I know, it's... I'm getting better. Honest. In fact, from here on, you are gonna see a drastic distraction reduction. 'Drastic distraction reduction.' Try saying that ten times fast.
Scott: I'm really sorry.
Allan: I'm sorry to bother you, sir.
Mayor Wilkins: I'm not bothered, Allan.
Allan: Well, I-I'm not sure how serious this is, but, uh, they were spotted in town three days ago. I've just been informed. Frederick and Hans Gruenstahler, uh, wanted in Germany for capital murder, terrorism, uh, the bombing of Flight 1402... Uh, I should have brought it to your attention sooner, but I'd, I'd wanted to... confirm...
Mayor Wilkins: Would you show me your hands, please?
Mayor Wilkins: Your hands. I think they could be cleaner.
Allan: Of course, sir. I-I mean, I, I washed them, but...
Mayor Wilkins: After every meal and under your fingernails. Dirt gets trapped there... and germs... and mayonnaise. My dear mother said, 'cleanliness is next to godliness', and I believed her. She never caught a cold. I'd like these two to be put under surveillance, and I'd like to know if... any other colorful characters have come to town.
Allan: I'll take care of it.
Mayor Wilkins: You have all my faith.
Willow: Where's Buffy? She's gonna miss the yearbook pictures.
Xander: Buffy and Faith are in the library getting all sweaty.
Cordelia: They're training.
Xander: I stand by my phrase.
Oz: I don't think she was here the day they announced them. Did anybody tell her?
Cordelia: Oh, I'll tell her now. I have to go to the nurse's office for an ice pack anyway.
Xander: Did you hurt yourself?
Cordelia: No, silly. It shrinks the pores!
Faith: Oh, man! Guys should break up with you more often.
Buffy: Gee, thank you.
Faith: No, I mean it. You really got some quality rage going. Really gives you an edge.
Buffy: Edge Girl. Just what I always wanted to be.
Faith: Well, screw him, alright? You move on, and... you party heavily, and you'll be fine. I mean, you're still going to that dance, right?
Faith: You got the tix already. Why don't we go together?
Buffy: I don't know about that.
Faith: Come on. We'll find a couple studs, we'll use 'em and... discard 'em. That's always fun.
Buffy: Okay, I'm in. Not the stud-using part, though. Or... probably not.
Buffy: Ms. Moran? Hi! I'm so glad that I ran into you. Um, I had this little incident last year of getting kicked out of school. And I'm back now, though, I've done all of my makeup tests, but I still need one written recommendation from a teacher. I think the word that Principal Snyder used was 'glowing'. Uh, to put in my file so I can prove that I belong here.
Ms. Moran: And, um, you are...?
Buffy: Buffy. B-Buffy Summers. Third row. I sat by the window. Uh, your class: Contemporary American Heroes from Amelia Earhart to Maya Angelou. The class that changed my life?
Ms. Moran: Were you absent a lot, um...
Buffy: I can't believe it. My favorite teacher, and she didn't even remember who I was. I'm like a non-person. Am I invisible? Can you see me?
Oz: Big as life.
Buffy: At Hemery, I was Prom Princess, I was Fiesta Queen, I was on the cheerleading squad. And the yearbook was, like, a story of me. Now it's senior year, and I'm going to be one crappy picture on one-eighth of one crappy page.
Xander: Uh, no, actually, you're not.
Buffy: What do you mean?
Xander: Well, you, uh, missed the picture-taking.
Buffy: When? Why?
Oz: We did 'em yesterday.
Willow: Didn't Cordelia tell you?
Cordelia: Buffy, you look so cute in that outfit.
Buffy: I'm not voting for you.
Cordelia: Then make it snappy.
Buffy: How come you didn't tell me they were doing the yearbook pictures?
Cordelia: Didn't I? Oh, I guess I forgot. What's the big?
Buffy: It's just... You could've thought about somebody else for thirty seconds, that's all.
Cordelia: Hey, I am under a lot of pressure here.
Buffy: Oh, yeah, campaigning. Rough gig.
Cordelia: What would you know about it? Just because you were Guacamole Queen when you were three doesn't mean you understand how this works.
Buffy: Obviously, it involves handing out entirely lame flyers.
Cordelia: No. It involves being part of this school and having actual friends. Now, if it was about monsters, blood, and innards, then you'd be a shoo-in. I'd like to see you try to win the crown.
Buffy: You would? Then you will.
Cordelia: What does that mean?
Buffy: I'm gonna show you how it's done. I'm gonna run for Homecoming Queen, and I'm going to win.
Cordelia: This is starting to be sad.
Buffy: Sorry, Cordy, but you have no idea who you're messing with.
Cordelia: What? The Slayer?
Buffy: I'm not talking about the Slayer. I'm talking about Buffy. You've awakened the Prom Queen within. And that crown is going to be mine.
Trick: Competition. Competition is a beautiful thing. It makes us strive. It... makes us accomplish. Occasionally, it makes us kill. We all have the desire to win. Whether we're human... vampire... and whatever the hell you are, my brother. You got them spiny-looking head things. I ain't never seen that before.
Kulak: I am Kulak, of the Miquot Clan.
Trick: Isn't that nice. Point is, you're all here for the same reason.
Lyle: Well, it sure ain't no philosophy class, now, is it?
Trick: Mr. Gorch, my account statement says that your deposit has not yet been made.
Lyle: Well, me and Candy... we blowin' our whole honeymoon stash on this little game here.
Trick: They're dirty.
Lyle: They're nonconsecutive.
Trick: The games will begin in a few days' time. The first target, Buffy, you've all seen. The second, Faith, is... a little more elusive. But they will both be together and ready for the killing, and that is a money-back guarantee. Ladies, gentlemen, spiny-headed looking creatures, welcome to SlayerFest '98!
Willow: It's my first big dance, you know? Where there's a boy and a band... and not just me alone in my room pretending that there's a boy and a band. I just want it to be...
Xander: Special. That's why I spared no expense on the tux.
Willow: The tux? I thought you, uh, borrowed it from your cousin Rigby.
Xander: Expense to my pride, Will. They're our only relations with money, and they shun us... as they should.
Willow: Remember the eighth-grade cotillion? You had that clip-on?
Xander: Hey, I was pretty stylin' with a clip-on.
Willow: And now here we are, and it's... Homecoming.
Xander: Yeah, we should face it, Will. You and I are gonna be in neighboring rest homes while I come over so you can adjust my, um... My, uh... Well, I can't think of anything that's not really gross.
Willow: Uh, I know. 'Nice.'
Xander: I was gonna go with 'gorgeous'.
Willow: Really? You, too. I-in a guy way.
Xander: Oz is very lucky.
Willow: So is Cordelia... i-in a girl way. I don't know if I can dance in this. I don't know if I can dance!
Xander: Come on. Piece of cake.
Xander: That didn't just happen!
Willow: No! I mean, it did, but it didn't!
Xander: Because I respect you. And Oz. And I would never...
Willow: I would never, either! I-it must be the clothes. I-it's a fluke.
Xander: It's a clothes fluke, that's what it is. And there'll be no more fluking.
Willow: Not ever.
Xander: We gotta get out of these clothes!
Willow: Right now!
Xander: Oh, I didn't mean...
Willow: I didn't... me, either!
Buffy: Okay, you're right. Making fun of the competition only makes me seem petty. Now, this is just like any other popularity contest. I've done this before. The only difference being this time, I'm not actually popular. Although, I'm not exactly unpopular. A lot of people came to my welcome home party.
Willow: But they were killed by zombies.
Buffy: Good point. Okay, here's the plan. Willow, I need you to make a database. See who's for us, who's on the fence and where our real crisis areas are. Oz, you take the fringe: musicians, those not normally inclined to vote. Xander, what... Uh, Cordelia... Okay, look. I know this is a little awkward, but I don't see any reason why we all can't get along during this campaign time. I mean, we're... almost friends, and... we are all riding together in the limo.
Cordelia: Yeah, great. Willow, how's that database coming?
Willow: Uh, it's... just about done.
Xander: I got your new flyers.
Cordelia: Let's get cracking.
Xander: She's my girlfriend.
Willow: It's just that... she needs it so much more than you do.
Oz: As Willow goes, so goes my nation.
Willow: Hi! How are you? You good? You look good. Anything new? Hey, did I mention you look good?
Buffy: Willow, it's okay that you're helping Cordelia. We're best friends. I'm not gonna hold it against you.
Willow: No, I'm not a friend. I'm a rabid dog who should be shot! But there're forces at work here! Dark, incomprehensible forces.
Buffy: And I'm sure they're more important than all we've been through together, or... the number of times that I've saved your life.
Willow: What do you want?
Buffy: Fifteen minutes alone on your computer with Cordelia's database.
Buffy: So you really are giving out money, huh?
Cordelia: Is that any more tacky than your faux 'I'm shy but deep' campaign posters?
Cordelia: This whole trying to be like me really isn't funny anymore.
Buffy: I was never trying to be like you, and when was it funny?
Cordelia: I don't see why your pathetic need to recapture your glory days gives you the right to splinter my vote.
Buffy: How can you think it's okay to talk to people like this? Do you have parents?
Cordelia: Yeah. Two of them... unlike some people.
Buffy: Your brain isn't even connected to your mouth, is it?
Xander: Okay, let's not say something we'll, uh, regret later...
Cordelia: You crazy freak!
Buffy: Vapid whore!
Xander: ...like that!
Willow: This is just... the worst thing that's ever happened. Ever!
Xander: I know. I know. It's just... when I look at you now, it's like I'm seeing you for the first time.
Willow: I'm talking about Buffy and Cordelia.
Xander: Me, too.
Willow: What are we gonna do? I mean, we have to do something. This is all our fault.
Xander: How do you get from 'chick fight' to 'our fault'?
Willow: Because: we felt so guilty about the fluke, we overcompensated helping Cordelia, and we spun the whole group dynamic out of orbit, and we're just a big meteor shower heading for Earth...
Xander: Okay, calm down. Let's just put our heads together and think of something. Okay, one of us here is pretty darn smart, and I am... just in Hell. I-I mean, I-I thought being a senior at last and, and having a girlfriend at last would, would be a good thing. Now, why wouldn't that be a good thing? What?
Willow: Sometimes when you're falling to pieces, your mouth, it just does the sweetest thing. What are we gonna do?
Xander: We just have to get the two of them communicating.
Willow: I'm talking about us.
Cordelia: I don't see what the big deal is.
Buffy: I'm not making a big deal. You wanted the orchid, you got the orchid.
Cordelia: It goes with my complexion better.
Buffy: It does have that sallow tint.
Trick: Hello, ladies. Welcome to SlayerFest '98. What is a SlayerFest, you ask? Well, as in most of life, there's the hunters and the hunted. Can you guess where you two fall? From the beginning of this tape, you have exactly thirty seconds--no, that's seventeen now--to run for your lives. Faith... Buffy... Have a nice death.
Cordelia: Hello! How stupid are you people? She's a Slayer. I'm a Homecoming Queen!
Giles: We have to find Buffy. Something terrible's happened. Just kidding. Thought I'd give you a scare.
Faith: Scott? There you are, honey! Hey, good news. The doctor says that the itching and the swelling and the burning should clear up, but we gotta keep using the ointment.
Giles: I suspect the, uh, finger food contains... actual fingers. I-I-I think I'll retreat to the library until the coronation. I wanna be here when, when, when Buffy... Well, uh, however the thing turns out for her. A-and that was a very fine thing you two did, putting Buffy and Cordelia together.
Buffy: We should be safe in here for a while. You need to find a weapon.
Cordelia: Safe? I'm not safe. I'm gonna die!
Buffy: Yeah, you are if you just stand there.
Cordelia: I'm never gonna be crowned Homecoming Queen. I'm never gonna graduate from high school. I'm never gonna know if it's real between me and Xander, or if it's just... some temporary insanity that made me think... I loved him. And now I'm never gonna get the chance to tell him.
Buffy: Yes, you are. We are gonna get out of here, and we are gonna head back to the library, where Giles and the rest of the weapons live. Then I'm gonna take out the rest of these guys just in time for you to congratulate me on my sweeping victory as Homecoming Queen.
Cordelia: I know what you're up to. You think if you get me mad enough, I won't be so scared. And, hey! It's working! Where's a damn weapon?
Buffy: You really love Xander?
Cordelia: Well, he kinda grows on you, like... a Chia Pet.
Buffy: That's it?
Cordelia: Just this and a telephone.
Buffy: A telephone. And you didn't think that'd be helpful?
Cordelia: No, this is better for... Oh.
Cordelia: Why is it every time I go somewhere with you, it always ends in violence and terror?
Buffy: Welcome to my life.
Cordelia: I don't wanna be in your life. I wanna be in my life.
Buffy: Well, there's the door. Please feel free to walk out at any time and live your life.
Cordelia: All I wanted was to be Homecoming Queen.
Buffy: And that's all I wanted, too, Cordelia. I spent a year's allowance on this dress.
Cordelia: I don't even get why you care about Homecoming when you're doing stuff like this.
Buffy: Because this is all I do. This is what my life is. You couldn't understand. I just thought... Homecoming Queen. I could pick up a yearbook someday and say, I was there. I went to high school, I had friends, and... for one moment, I got to live in the world. And there'd be proof. Proof that I was chosen for something other than this. Besides... I look cute in a tiara.
Lyle: I'm gonna kill both you Slayers for this! You hear me?
Cordelia: I hear you, you redneck moron. You got a dress that goes with that hat?
Lyle: I'm gonna...
Cordelia: Rip out my innards, play with my eyeballs, boil my brain and eat it for brunch? Listen up, needle-brain. Buffy and I have taken out four of your cronies, not to mention your girlfriend.
Cordelia: Whatever. The point is, I haven't even broken a sweat. See, in the end, Buffy's just the runner-up. I'm the Queen. You get me mad, what do you think I'm gonna do to you?
Buffy: That should teach him to mistake you for a Slayer.
Giles: Yes, I must admit I do feel partly responsible. I did give your friends tacit approval to make the switch in the limousine.
Buffy: Aw, it's okay. It gave Cor and I a chance to spend some quality death time.
Cordelia: And we got these free corsages.
Giles: Oh, that's nice. Although I don't recall them mentioning corsages.
Buffy: Jungle Bob... said that the Germans were hooked into a computer system. And they're hooked into us.
Mayor Wilkins: Hello! Nice to meet you.
Trick: Yeah, hi, it's a pleasure. Where am I?
Mayor Wilkins: In my office. I'm Richard Wilkins. I'm the Mayor of Sunnydale. And you're... Mr. Trick. Please, sit down. That's an exciting suit.
Trick: Well, clothes make the man.
Mayor Wilkins: Well, as I understand it, you're not a man... exactly. Mr. Trick, I've been the Mayor for quite some time. I like things to run smoothly. This is a very important year for me.
Trick: Election year.
Mayor Wilkins: Something like that.
Trick: If this is the part where you tell me that I don't fit in here in your quiet little neighborhood, you can just skip it 'cause, see, that all got old long before I became a vampire. Do you know what I'm saying?
Mayor Wilkins: Do you have children? Children are the heart of a community. They need to be looked after. Controlled. The more rebellious element needs to be dealt with. The children are our future. We need them. I need them.
Trick: If this rebellious element means who I think it does, then that problem may be taken care of this very night.
Mayor Wilkins: So I've heard. That's a very enterprising idea you have: SlayerFest. I love that name, by the way. You see, that's the kind of initiative I need on my team.
Trick: What if I don't wanna be a part of the team?
Mayor Wilkins: Oh, no, that won't be an issue. See, you and I are gonna get along very well. Moist towelette?
Willow: They're gonna announce the Queen. Where are they? What's keeping them?
Oz: I'm gonna go with mud wrestling.
Xander: Oh, God! What did you two do to each other?
Buffy: Long story.
Cordelia: Got hunted.
Buffy: Apparently not that long. Tell you one thing, though: you don't wanna mess with Cordelia.
Cordelia: After all that we've been through tonight, this whole who-gets-to-be-queen capade seems pretty...
Buffy: Damn important.
Cordelia: Oh, yeah.