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Bewitched, Bothered & Bewildered
Bewitched, Bothered & Bewildered

Xander: But do you think Cordelia will like it?
Buffy: I don't know. Does she know what one of these is?
Xander: Okay, big yuks. When are you guys gonna stop making fun of me for dating Cordelia?
Buffy: I'm sorry. But never. I just think you could find somebody more... better.
Xander: Uh, parallel universe, maybe. Here the only other person I'm interested in is, um... unavailable. Besides, Cordy and I are really getting along. We're not fighting as much, and yesterday we just sat together, not even speakin'. You know, just, uh, enjoying comfortable silence. Man, that was dull.

Xander: Well, this is new territory for me. I mean, my valentines are usually met with heartfelt restraining orders.

Xander: I wish dating was like slaying: you know, simple, direct, stake to the heart, no muss, no fuss.
Buffy: Sorry to say, Xand, slaying is a tad more perilous than dating.
Xander: Well, you're obviously not dating Cordelia.

Ms. Beakman: Papers on my desk. Anybody tries to leave without giving me a paper is looking at a failing grade.
Xander: Ha, ha, ha. This time I'm ready for you. No 'F' for Xander today. No, this baby's my ticket to a sweet D-minus.

Amy: Hey. Are you guys going to the Valentine's Day dance at the Bronze? I think it's gonna be a lot of fun.
Buffy: Go ahead. You know you wanna say it.
Willow: My boyfriend's in the band!
Amy: Cool.
Buffy: I think you've now told everybody.
Willow: Only in this hemisphere.
Amy: What about you?
Buffy: Oh, Valentine's Day is just a cheap gimmick to sell cards and chocolate.
Amy: Bad breakup, huh?
Buffy: Believe me when I say, 'uh-huh'.

Willow: I just hate to think of you solo on Valentine's Day.
Buffy: I'll be fine. Mom and I are gonna have a pig-out and vid fest. It's a time-honored tradition among the loveless.

Giles: Buffy! Buffy... Might I have a word?
Buffy: Have a sentence, even.

Angelus: I know Dru gives you pity access, but you have to admit it's so much easier when I do things for her.
Spike: You would do well to worry less about Dru and more about that Slayer you've been tramping around with.
Angelus: Dear Buffy. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards.
Spike: Why don't you rip her lungs out? It might make an impression.
Angelus: Lacks... poetry.
Spike: It doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs?

Cordelia: Your clothes... You look so good.
Xander: Oh. I let Buffy dress me. Well, not physically.
Cordelia: Perfect. You had to make this harder, didn't you?
Xander: Okay, clearly the fact that I please you visually has got us off on the wrong foot here.
Cordelia: Xander...
Xander: Let me finish. I've been thinking a lot about us lately... the why and the wherefore. You know, once, twice, a kissy here, a kissy there. And you can chalk it all up to hormones. A-and maybe that's all we have here. Tawdry teen lust. But maybe not. Maybe something in you sees something special inside me. And vice versa. I mean, I think I do. See something. So...
Cordelia: Xander... Thank you. It's beautiful. I wanna break up.
Xander: Okay, not quite the reaction I was looking for.
Cordelia: I know. I'm sorry. It's just... Who are we kidding? Even if parts of us do see specialness, we don't fit.
Xander: Yeah! Okay... Do you know what's a good day to break up with somebody? Any day besides Valentine's Day! I mean, what, were you running low on dramatic irony?
Cordelia: I know. I didn't mean to do it this way. I...
Xander: Well, you did.

Xander: Blackmail is such an ugly word.
Amy: I didn't say blackmail.
Xander: Yeah, but I'm about to blackmail you, so I thought I'd bring it up.
Amy: What do you want?
Xander: What do I want? I want some respect around here. I want, for once, to come out ahead. I want the Hellmouth to be working for me. You and me, Amy... we're gonna cast a little spell.

Amy: A love spell?
Xander: Yeah. You know, just the basic can't eat, can't sleep, can't breathe anything but little old moi.
Amy: Well, that kind of thing is the hardest! I mean, to make someone love you for all eternity?
Xander: Whoa! Whoa, back up. Who said anything about eternity? A man can only talk self-tanning lotion for so long before his head explodes.
Amy: Well, then I don't get it. If you don't wanna be with her forever, then what's the point?
Xander: The point is I want her to want me. Desperately. So I can break up with her and subject her to the same hell she's been puttin' me through.
Amy: Oh, I don't know, Xander. Intent has to be pure with love spells.
Xander: Right. I intend revenge. Pure as the driven snow. Now, are you gonna play, or do we need to have another chat about invisible homework?

Buffy: 'Soon' what, Giles? You never held out on me until the big, bad thing in the dark became my ex-honey.
Giles: Where did this come from?
Buffy: He said it with flowers. Look, this isn't the time to start becoming Mr. Protective Guy. I can't just hang around, and I can't prepare when I don't know what's coming.

Xander: Oh, come on, don't flatter yourself. I'm not gonna make a big scene. I just want the necklace back.
Cordelia: What? I thought it was a gift.
Xander: No. Last night it was a gift. Today it's scrap metal. Figure I can melt it down and sell it for fillings or something.
Cordelia: You're pathetic!
Xander: Come on, I'm not gonna add to the Cordelia Chase castoff collection.
Cordelia: It's in my locker.
Xander: I can wait.

Xander: Morning, ladies. Some kind of weather we've been having, huh?
Cordelia: What do you want? You can't be sniffing around for more jewelry to melt, because all you ever gave me was that Smallmart-looking thing.
Xander: Is this love? 'Cause maybe on you it doesn't look that different.
Cordelia: What are you doing? Are you going, like, stalker-boy on me now?
Xander: Sorry. My mistake.
Cordelia: Yeah, I should say so.

Giles: Look, here's another. Here. Um, 'Valentine's Day.' Yes, uh... 'Angel nails a puppy to the...'
Buffy: Skip it.
Giles: Uh, but it...
Buffy: I don't wanna know. I don't have a puppy. Skip it.

Xander: I have a plan: we use me as bait.
Buffy: You mean make Angel come after you?
Xander: No, I mean chop me into little pieces and stick me on hooks for fish to nibble at 'cause it would be more fun than my life.

Buffy: You know what I'd like? Why don't you and I do something together tonight? Just the two of us.
Xander: Really?
Buffy: Yeah. We can comfort each other.
Xander: Well, would lap dancing enter into that scenario at all? 'Cause I find that very comforting.
Buffy: Play your cards right...
Xander: Okay, uh... You do know that I'm Xander, right?
Buffy: I don't know, I just... heard that you and Cordy broke up, and I guess I was just surprised how glad I was. It's funny... how you can see someone every day but not really see them. You know?
Xander: Yeah, it's funny. And it's just gettin' funnier.

Amy: I don't think the spell worked out right.
Xander: Oh, yeah, it bombed. No biggie.
Amy: Well, we can always try again. I am still pretty new at this.
Xander: Oh, no, no, no. It's okay. You know what? It was wrong to meddle with the forces of darkness. I see that now. I think we've all grown. I gotta go.
Amy: Oh, we don't have to cast any spells. We can just... hang out.
Xander: Sure. What?
Amy: Well, I liked spending time with you. You're so sweet. You know, it's funny how you can... you can see a person every day and...
Xander: Not really see them.

Willow: Sorry. I wanted to surprise you.
Xander: Good job! High marks.
Willow: Don't be so jumpy. I've been in your bed before.
Xander: Yeah, but Will, we were both in footy pajamas.

Willow: How long have we been friends?
Xander: A long, long time. Too long to do anything that might change that now.
Willow: Well, friendships change all the time. People grow apart. They grow closer.
Xander: Uh, this is good! How close we are now. I feel very comfortable with this amount of closeness. In fact, I can even back up a few paces and still be happy. See?
Willow: I want you, Xander... to be my first!
Xander: Baseman. Please tell me we're talking baseball.

Xander: Th-that's it! This has gotta stop. It's time for me to act like a man. And hide.

Cordelia: Ha. Very funny. What did I do now, wear red and purple together?
Harmony: You know what you did. Xander is wounded because of you.
Cordelia: Are you tripping? I thought you wanted me to break up with him!
Harmony: Only a sick pup would let Xander get away, no matter what her friends said.
Cordelia: What does it take to make you people happy?

Giles: Xander. What is it?
Xander: It, it's me... throwing myself at your mercy.
Giles: What? Why?
Xander: I made a mess, Giles. See, I found out that Amy's into witchcraft, and I was hurt, I guess, so I... made her put the love whammy on Cordy, but it backfired, and now every woman in Sunnydale wants to make me her cuddle monkey, which may sound swell on paper, but...
Jenny: Rupert, we need to talk. Hey, Xander. Nice shirt. Look, Rupert, I know that you're angry at me, and I don't blame you, but I am not just gonna go away. I mean, I care far too much about you to... Have you been working out?

Giles: I cannot believe that you are fool enough to do something like this!
Xander: Oh, no, I'm twice the fool it takes to do something like this.

Buffy: Alone at last.
Xander: Buff, give me a heart attack!
Buffy: Oh, I'm gonna give you more than that.
Xander: Buff, for the love of God, don't open that raincoat.
Buffy: Come on! It's a party! Aren't you gonna open your present?
Xander: It's not that I don't want to. Sometimes the remote impossible possibility that you might like me was all that sustained me. But not now. Not like this. This isn't real to you. You're only here because of a spell. I mean, if I thought you had one clue what it would mean to me... But you don't. So I can't.

Amy: Why did you send Xander away? He needs me.
Jenny: That's a laugh.
Amy: He loves me. We look into each other's souls.
Jenny: No one can love two people at once. What we have is real.
Giles: Instead of making me ill, why doesn't one of you try to help me?
Amy: You have no idea what I'm going through.
Giles: I know it's not love. It's obsession. Selfish, banal obsession. Now, Xander has put himself in very great danger. If you cared at all about him, you'd help me save him, rather than wittering on about your feelings.

Cordelia: Damn it, Xander, what's going on? Who died and made you Elvis?

Joyce: Let me, uh, get you something to drink. You in the mood for cold or hot?
Xander: I, uh...
Joyce: I think it's more of a hot night, don't you?
Xander: Whatever.
Joyce: Ooo, you are so tense. Mm.
Cordelia: What are you doing? Make me yak!
Joyce: Cordelia, go back upstairs. This is between us.
Cordelia: Gross! I think not.
Joyce: What are you doing? Hey! Get your hands off me!
Cordelia: And keep your mom-aged mitts off my boyfriend. Former!

Xander: Insane? Is it so impossible for you to believe that other women find me attractive?
Cordelia: The only way you could get girls to want you would be witchcraft.
Xander: That is such a... Well, yeah, okay, good point.

Drusilla: Your face is a poem. I can read it.
Xander: Really? It doesn't say 'spare me' by any chance?
Drusilla: Shhh. How do you feel about eternal life?
Xander: We couldn't just start with a coffee? A movie, maybe?

Cordelia: If we die in here I'm gonna kick your ass! I mean it!
Xander: None of this would've happened if you hadn't broken up with me. But no, you're so desperate to be popular!
Cordelia: Me? I'm not the one who embraced the black arts just to get the girls to like me. Well, congratulations, it worked!
Xander: Would've worked fine, except your hide's so thick, not even magic can penetrate it!
Cordelia: You mean the spell was for me?

Buffy: Hi, Oz!
Oz: Hi.
Buffy: I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here.
Oz: But you're not a rat. So call it an upside.
Buffy: You think maybe you could get me some clothing?
Oz: Yes, I can. Just, uh... don't go anywhere.
Buffy: Really not an issue.

Buffy: Scavenger hunt.
Xander: Your mom seemed to buy it.
Buffy: So she says. I think she's just so wigged at hitting on one of my friends that she's repressing. She's getting pretty good at that. I should probably start worrying.
Xander: Well, I'm back to being incredibly unpopular.
Buffy: It's better than everyone trying to ax-murder you, right?
Xander: Mostly, but, uh... Willow won't even talk to me.
Buffy: Any particular reason she should?
Xander: How much groveling are we talking here?
Buffy: Oh, a month, at least. Xander, come on, I mean... this is worse for her than anyone. She loved you before you invoked the great Roofie spirit. The rest of us...
Xander: You remember, huh?
Buffy: Oh, yeah. I remember coming on to you, I remember begging you to undress me... And then a sudden need for cheese. I also remember that you didn't.
Xander: Need cheese?
Buffy: Undress me. It meant a lot to me what you said.
Xander: C'mon, Buffy, I couldn't take advantage of you like that. Okay, for a minute, it was touch and go there...
Buffy: You came through. There might just be hope for you yet.
Xander: Well, tell that to Cordelia.
Buffy: You're on your own there.

Harmony: Cody Weinberg called me at home last night.
Cordelia: Cody Weinberg? The one with the 350sl?
Harmony: The very one. Said he's thinking of asking me to the pledge dance on Thursday.
Cordelia: That's so huge!
Harmony: Yeah, there's just two other girls he's gonna ask first, and if they refuse, then I'll... Watch it!
Xander: Sorry.
Harmony: God! Y'know, I'm glad your mom stopped working at the drive-through long enough to dress you. Oh, that reminds me. Did you see Jennifer's backpack? It is so a crying...
Cordelia: Harmony, shut up. Do you know what you are, Harmony? You're a sheep.
Harmony: I'm not a sheep.
Cordelia: You're a sheep. All you ever do is what everyone else does just so you can say you did it first. And here I am, scrambling for your approval, when I'm way cooler than you are 'cause I'm not a sheep. I do what I wanna do, and I wear what I wanna wear. And you know what? I'll date whoever the hell I wanna date. No matter how lame he is.

Cordelia: Oh, God! Oh, God!
Xander: You're gonna be okay. Just keep walkin'.
Cordelia: Oh, God, what have I done? They're never gonna speak to me again!
Xander: Oh, sure, they are. If it helps, whenever we're around them you and I can fight a lot.
Cordelia: You promise?
Xander: You can pretty much count on it.

The Usual
The Usual

Random Quotage:

For I am Xander, King of Cretins. May all lesser cretins bow before me.
-Xander (The Witch)

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